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Fucked Up and Fallen. - February 18th 2012, 06:29 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

LONG POST AHEAD
I feel like I've just been spiraling down since uni started.
I haven't been on this site for... a year I guess and now I just really need someone to talk to and I seriously considering seeking professional help.
The Story:
A big part of my life is my boyfriend and my best friends and since leaving Toronto for university I've been away from them and at first I felt really alone but I started to make friends and for a while it was alright. Then I started to slack off on my work because I was partying too much and I started to feel more distant from my boyfriend because he lives 9hours away now and rarely has time to talk to me. We can talk on Skype a couple times a week and that's all (he doesn't even own a cellphone)(We talk so little because he's at RMC which is the Canadian equivalent to West Point). So I started cheating with a friend,AC, we didn't go far, we only made out and hung out a lot but still it was cheating. I ended it before Thanksgiving because I couldn't take it (hurting my boyfriend) and I never told him. So for awhile again everything was alright, but I was still partying. I started to get close with a new friend, M, and eventually ended up cheating with him too. And now I find myself doing it on a consistent basis. Every time we go to a party and drink a bit we end up sleeping together and I feel like it's because I'm incredibly lonely and isolated. and maybe I just crave the attention and affection. It's even more complicated because I actually really like him, he's funny and sweet and we click so well, I get butterflies when he talks to me. On the friends side my roommates are great but otherwise I miss my friends from home. Specifically my best friend B who has always been there for me. I have a few with me but I constantly feel judged by them for my ... provocative actions while drunk. (They don't know that M and I are cheating on our significant others but I do get rather friendly while driving and have given out my number while I've been blacked out). Also I kind of screwed things up with AC, who was previously one of my closest friends, by cheating with him and then ending it by not choosing him.
All this came to a climax the other day.
When I was younger I self-harmed occasionally when I felt super low but my boyfriend found out and begged me to stop and so it took a lot but I did it for him, until the other day. All the cheating, and all the lieing, and all the loneliness, the failing marks, money problems and the awful feelings came together and I ended up self-harming again. It felt amazing. It made me take a sigh of relief. And when I was done I decided I needed to seek professional help. But I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid my mother will find out (I'm 18 so she wouldn't ordinarily but because I'm on her health insurance she might). I really don't want her to find out because I'm supposed to be the good daughter, the daughter that thrives and does well. That is normal and happy. My younger sister was admitted to the childrens pysch ward at the beginning of last summer and she got better but not before a suicide attempt and being admitted. It was a really hard time for my mother. She was barely holding it together and felt like a failure. I NEVER want my mother to feel this way again. I don't know what to do. I'm breaking into pieces. I constantly feel like I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I'm only happy when basically cuddled into someones arms. I'm always super anxious and my only relief is nights when I can drink and forget it and just get all my attention from M. I'm fighting the urge to SH again because I'm smart, I know what I'm doing is bad for me but it's so strong. A couple cuts and everything will feel better for a while.
I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO EXPLODE. Help?

Everything I just typed out is much more complex than it seems to and there are more sides and emotions wrapped up in all of it but that's the basics. Thanks for reading.


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Re: Fucked Up and Fallen. - February 18th 2012, 07:15 AM

I'm sorry=( What you're doing though is really not working for you. I know you know that, but something's gotta change in order for things to get better. I'm gonna break this into sections since there's a lot to address.

boyfriend: Now, I know you love this guy. He seems like a really wonderful guy. But I can tell this long distance stuff isnt working. Its taking a toll on you and I think you'd be happier with someone you were able to see and talk to more. Its obvious that you've been lonely and for that reason, I don't know if staying with this guy is such a great idea. I dont want to say that because you must really care for him=( But I think you'd be happier with someone who was nearer to you.

drinking and SHing: Big no-nos. I would def. get some professional help when it comes to those 2 things. I know in the moment, they may seem like they are making things better for you. But in the long run, they really aren't. They are making you worse off. Nothing good about getting drunk, nothing good about harming yourself. You are kinda harming yourself WHILE getting drunk in a sense if you think about it. Its just all around bad and I know you can do better than that. There are better ways to cope. Have you tried the butterfly project for cutting? Other people on here have done it and its been a big success for them. I know you said you don't want mom to know if you do end up getting help. Thats okay, I don't think she will be told. If you go to a counceler on site or a therapist somewhere else, counceling and stuff is strictly confidential. Whatever is said in the room, stays in the room. The therapists can't talk about it to anyone. They aren't judgmental, this is their job to help you.

anything else: You can ALWAYS talk to me if you ever want to. I've pretty much heard everything because of past friends experiences lol. Don't ever have to be afraid of that. Hope what I said helped some=)


   
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