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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Please help me my father is abusive and im on the verge of suicide. - March 21st 2012, 11:27 PM

My name is Scott Spiegel and I'm 16 years old. My father has raised me since I was 1 year old. My mother is currently in prison for 35 years for a one-time Meth charge. Her record was absolutely clean and she was just going through a rough patch in her life. And because if that my mother cannot witness her child grow. (My parents are divorced but friends.) I remember when I was younger I had no problem making friends and socializing and meeting women ect. But for the past three years my emotionally depressed father has been emotionally and physically abusive. It all started in the 6th grade when my grades dropped because I wasn't used to Middle School. I was a straight A student. But instead of supporting me, my father yelled at me and punished me (Which I understand). But between his stressful job and him being alone, he steadily got worse and worse. My door is not allowed to be closed or he will take it off. I have to use the bathroom with the door open, I have to change behing my door because im scared he will barge in (Which frequently happens). And he constantly tells me "fuck you." This girl I've known since 4 years old is pretty much my soulmate. I love her with all my heart and she loves me even more. I don't know what I would do without her. Until my dad ruined it by telling her I didn't want to see her ect. And over the years I've gone from popular, everybody wants to be my friend to Severe Anxiety and Social Anxiety and A bad studder problem along wit Depression. I haven't had a Christmas in 4 years, I haven't had a birthday party in 4 years. I don't get to see my family on Holidays and I don't see them anyhow. When my father gets angry he says he'll put his fist through my fucking skull. He is constantly cursing at me calling me a failure saying im going to live on the streets ect. This past Christmas we got into an affair. My closest/only friend lives across the street and I hang with him every day. And every day my dad would come over and tell me to do the fucking chores. So without even arguing (Which I realized makes things worse) I always do them. Until the day before Christmas, he comes over in an extra bad mood. He tells me if I backtalk him he will knock my fucking head off. I respond with saying he wont. And he pushes me into the corner and pins me and hits me. Then I push him off and we go at it in my living room. But the complicated thing is, My father acts like the happiest guy in the world around EVERYBODY but me. I see through it and it makes me sick. I used to respect my father even when we were fighting. Now I don't respect him even when we get along. My plans when I turn 18 is to leave even if I dont have a job (I had a job that he got me fired from for not letting me leave the house to work) to leave that day and go far, far away. But lately it has been getting so bad im trying to find ways to kill myself. When I look at other people I always with I had their life. Im jealous of everybody in my school with happy lives. And the only way to snap my father out of it and him realize what he's doing to his son is to kill myself so he can live with that. Im researching Carbon Monoxide suicide, Shooting myself in front of class so the bullies can see what they've done, OD on sleeping pills, Tripping on a Angel's trumpets, ECT. I just want everything to end I'd be happier dead right now. Honestly I would rather be dead than living my life. And it's coming down to days and its going to happen. I cant go anywhere, my grandparents wont take me, and they're all I have. So im pretty much stuck. School is a living nightmare. Everybody thinks im weird and stupid even though my IQ is 148 and im probably smarter than all of them. but my severe anxiety gets in the way and so does my studder problem. I also have seizures than make me stare at nothing but nobody cares. Ive tried talking to family friends and nobody listens. I signed up for this website because I want help. I dont want to die if things change NOW. But im so depressed and thoughts of suicide are ALWAYS swarming through my head. There's not a second of the day I don't want to die. I've offered people money to kill me and I just want things to end now. Please help me.
   
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Re: Please help me my father is abusive and im on the verge of suicide. - March 21st 2012, 11:40 PM

And I have some issues because of my father not letting me close any doors. Im not matured mentally and it effects EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY i talk to. I have no friends and I just want to die. Typing this just made it worse and Im alone right now and seriously considering grabbing a knife
   
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Re: Please help me my father is abusive and im on the verge of suicide. - March 22nd 2012, 12:46 AM

I'm so sorry, u don't deserve to deal with this type of life... Have u ever thought about contacting the police... I mean maybe they could get u some kinda of help or get u away from ur dad... I would be sad if u killed yourself... I had anothe friend on here n one da everything was fine n we were talking n he asked me if we could talk the next day.. Well he's been nowhere for over a month or so, so I think he killed himself... I want u to no u can talk to me n I will try to help u, plz I rlly want to... Pm me anything, anytime
   
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Re: Please help me my father is abusive and im on the verge of suicide. - March 22nd 2012, 02:27 AM

Hi Scott,

That's quite a story, I'm really sorry for you. Let me see if I can say something that's helpful.

Is there somewhere else you can go, if only temporarily..a friends house, maybe other family members? I think you need to get out of there, it sounds unsafe for you and you sound desperate. This is easiest if it's voluntary. Think seriously about the alternatives and see if you can make that happen.

If you cannot, then you might need to tell some caring adult who can intervene. People at school are good examples of this...counselors, guidance people, teachers, Principal. Pick one and make some time with them to tell them what's happening at home, and more importantly, how desperate you are here. They'll know what to do.

I agree with you that you shouldn't confront your dad..with words, and surely not with fists. That will only make things worse (as you see!)..what you need is a more permanent solution. Should dad get menacing or you feel genuinely threatened, call 911.

Lastly, please have hope and keep in mind that childhood is temporary. You've got a plan to leave at 18, which sounds reasonable. It's only a couple years, the worst is behind you, you can see the light here. Make plans, save some money, get a job, stay involved with people who support and understand you, and it will pass.

Until then, we're a pretty good bunch, feel free to lean on us!


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Re: Please help me my father is abusive and im on the verge of suicide. - March 22nd 2012, 05:09 AM

Hi Scott.
First off I'm really sorry to hear about what's going on with you. It's hard when the one person who should care or you the most is hurting you. I think you should talk to a teacher that you trust and let them know what's going on. You only have a couple more years you can do it. I just want you to know that God loves you and if you lean on him he will protect you and help you get thru this. He doesn't want you to take your life and have an eternity in hell, no! Satan is the one who wants that he will whisper negative things in your ear and try to convince you thy things are too hard and that you should give up don't let him win. I will pray for you and for your dad that he would have a change of heart and become a new man, and love you the way you deserve to be loved. I hope this helps a bit please PM me if you want to talk or if you have any thoughts to what I said.
   
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Re: Please help me my father is abusive and im on the verge of suicide. - March 22nd 2012, 09:30 AM

I feel as if the damage he's caused on me is not reversable and I will always have this anxiety that prevents me from living a normal social life. My teachers even call me "weird" and pick on me too in front of class. I can barely speak to people because my studder prevents me from saying certan words its weird. I've told my dad on several occasions but he wont take me to the doctors. it's eating me from the inside and I just want this painful life to end.
   
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Re: Please help me my father is abusive and im on the verge of suicide. - March 22nd 2012, 12:46 PM

Hey Scott

I am so sorry that all this happened to you. You most certainly did not deserve all this.

Right now, I think you should concentrate on getting out of there or making it till 18. Once you're away from your father, you can go into therapy. All this anxiety, it won't last forever. Therapy will heal you beautifully, I promise. Whatever happened is not irreversible. I know you feel like it will never change, but trust me on this, it will.

All this, it is just temporary. Like you said, that you'll move out once you're 18. Get your own job have a life of your own. You'll be able to get therapy and get rid of your anxiety and any other problems that you have. And you'll lead a happy life. There is so much that you are yet to accomplish. And suicide on the other hand, if you succeed, it is permanent. It is not worth giving up now. You have come so far. It is just 2 more years at the max and then things will start becoming better from there. There are so many reasons for you to live. You have to heal yourself. Lead a happy life once again.

You can make it through these tough times Scott. You have made it so far. You have that strength inside of you. Believe in yourself.

If you need to talk to someone, please don't hesitate to PM/VM me. I'd love to talk to you
Take care and stay strong.



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Re: Please help me my father is abusive and im on the verge of suicide. - March 22nd 2012, 04:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Childish Giggle View Post
Hey Scott

I am so sorry that all this happened to you. You most certainly did not deserve all this.

Right now, I think you should concentrate on getting out of there or making it till 18. Once you're away from your father, you can go into therapy. All this anxiety, it won't last forever. Therapy will heal you beautifully, I promise. Whatever happened is not irreversible. I know you feel like it will never change, but trust me on this, it will.

All this, it is just temporary. Like you said, that you'll move out once you're 18. Get your own job have a life of your own. You'll be able to get therapy and get rid of your anxiety and any other problems that you have. And you'll lead a happy life. There is so much that you are yet to accomplish. And suicide on the other hand, if you succeed, it is permanent. It is not worth giving up now. You have come so far. It is just 2 more years at the max and then things will start becoming better from there. There are so many reasons for you to live. You have to heal yourself. Lead a happy life once again.

You can make it through these tough times Scott. You have made it so far. You have that strength inside of you. Believe in yourself.

If you need to talk to someone, please don't hesitate to PM/VM me. I'd love to talk to you
Take care and stay strong.
^This.

Our lovely Suv is correct, you should listen to her.

Scott, you won't feel this way forever. But, in order to make it go away, you have to take some steps to help yourself. You cannot expect your dad to change, that would be ideal..and frankly that's what should happen, but in the absence of that, you have to find other ways to cope with this stuff and soothe yourself.

You didn't answer my questions, is there another place you can go for a bit? Friends? family? Can you make that happen for yourself? If you cannot, go to the guidance counselor or principal and explain all this to them and let them help you!


PM me with the link of the post you'd like me to respond to.

Last edited by Solivagant; November 14th 2014 at 09:35 AM. Reason: Removing personal information.
   
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Re: Please help me my father is abusive and im on the verge of suicide. - March 22nd 2012, 07:42 PM

There is nowhere I could go without assistance from the law. The thing is my father doesn't realize how he is. He's always saying how his friends are losing their mind when it's really him and he doesn't realize it. Me living with someone else is a pipe dream. Three adults have noticed his behavor. And if I tell a someone at school they will get the law involved and my dad will look down on me even more than he already does. Through thick and thin he's still my father.. And I can't wait here until im 18. He is affecting my school and im not going to be a failure. But if I stay with him I will be a failure.I want to make something of myself but I can't focus with him in my life. I can't take his bullshit anymore.
   
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Re: Please help me my father is abusive and im on the verge of suicide. - March 23rd 2012, 04:13 PM

Scott, it sounds like you have two choices, then: First, learn how to cope with home and dad. Second, tell someone who can intervene.

There are pros and cons to each, you have to determine which one works best for you.


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