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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
c-r-a-f-t Offline
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Question Heya, I'm Ness; this is my introduction... - August 19th 2012, 01:23 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey, so, I've just registered for teenhelp after stumbling across it while doing a search on what to expect from seeing a counselor for the first time...
I've been thinking about getting some professional help for a while now (for two years actually) but always put it off because I feel like I'd be wasting their time. It's kind of silly because I know everyone goes for different reasons - some for simple problems, some for really complex problems... but I don't actually know what my problem is exactly, and maybe that's part of the problem and why I feel like it's a waste of time going. Haha
I'm actually really glad I found this site because maybe someone can help me out without hassling someone in person.
This being my first thread or post or whatever it's called, :P I think I'll just say what my situation is at the moment and see what happens.

Okay well, I'll start with - I don't suffer from depression. Not now anyway. I've never been 'diagnosed' with it or anything because I've never been to see anyone or confronted anyone about what's going on in my life/how I feel about it, etc. But a couple of years ago when I was still in high school I was at a point where I believe it would have been an... official state of depression? lol. At the time I went to my mother because I was getting so desperate for help I wanted to see a Psychologist, but couldn't have done it without my parents finding out.
When I told her that I was really depressed and was feeling trapped at school and at work, she told me to suck it up and get on with it. I was at a total loss. I used to get so overwhelmed that I'd often even wake up crying and would even hear a wave of voices. I got so scared once I was on the verge of calling one of my friends to come and help me. That probably would have been the thing to do, but I hate stirring up drama and couldn't bring myself to tell anyone (which seems to have stuck with me!).
Anyway, it was around then that I started self-harming. At first I just scratched my wrists a few times, but it didn't do anything for me but leave unconcealable marks. Then I moved on to burning and found total relief from everything. When I burned, I'd hold the flame to my arm for so long my whole arm would shake and I had to pin it to the ground with my knee so I could hold the lighter steady against it.
I continued burning after that for a few months whenever I got really stressed or upset; I was also going through major body-image issues and was heavily dieting and got so angry with myself once that I stopped eating for as long as I could mentally handle (I only got to two days. Haha). But yeah, those were probably the darkest days I've been through. Besides the self-harming, that was also when the suicidal thoughts began. I've never tried, and am really glad I haven't, but sometimes it's incredibly hard to stop myself from thinking 'why not?'. Why not just do it when it could be so easy?
Since the time all this negativity started, it's been about three years. I consider myself to be in a much better frame of mind from where I was, but I still have bad days and really bad thoughts. But now the problem is that I don't know what's causing me to feel like this. Like, it's not depression as I know it, but I'm not happy either. It's more bordering a level of numbness where I just feel totally lost. It's like I'm not me. Haha.
I don't really burn anymore, I started cutting - my upper arm and ribs, where it's easy enough to conceal - but last night I was in another bad state of mind and cut enough and bad enough to scare myself into doing something. I NEED HELP. I can't let this go anymore. I felt such regret in harming myself, but I don't think I can stop either because it's become my solution and my therapy and the more I do it the more the thoughts about suicide creep into my mind. I can't do it, but it would be so easy. That's what scares me, that level of temptation. And I know it's like, easy just to say 'well, don't do it. just stop thinking about it.' but...it's not that simple. Once it's in your mind, it's difficult to get out. I'm sure there are plenty of you who understand that.

I'm really sorry that this is such a long story, but this is where I'm at. I'm stuck. Haha Tell me what you would do. Tell me what to do.
   
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Re: Heya, I'm Ness; this is my introduction... - August 19th 2012, 02:19 PM

You don't have to apologize for typing a lot. We're here to listen to you! I'm really sorry you have been dealing with this on your own for so long. That's really heavy and a tough thing to do.
I would say that just because you're not feeling "depressed," doesn't mean you're not dealing with a bigger issue. I think depression Is different for a lot of people and can also manifest itself in many different forms. I really think you should talk to a professional. I know you feel like you'd be wasting their time, but that's what they're there for! They went through all those years of school and training and it'd kind of be a waste of their time if no one asked for their help, ya know? Haha. It's not normal for you to be having suicidal thoughts or resorting to self harm, and I'm so sorry that that's where you are right now. I know how awful that feels, and also even though I don't know you I want to tell you how proud I am that you realize you need help. That's such a huge step and it's really great that you realize that. For times when you feel the urge to self harm, check out the alternatives thread here. There are a ton of different methods, so if one doesn't work for you, don't be too upset. Just try another. I really think it would help you to talk to a professional. I know talking with your mother wasn't too helpful before, but could you maybe just tell her you've been having a hard time and doing some research and you really think it would help you to talk to a professional? I don't know if you're in school but most schools have free counselors too.

Sorry if this kinda jumbled, sometimes I have a hard time organizing my thoughts haha. If you ever need someone to chat with or vent to, feel free to PM me. Take care of yourself, Ness.

Hannah


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Re: Heya, I'm Ness; this is my introduction... - August 20th 2012, 01:43 PM

Thanks Hannah, I really appreciate your response.
I just wrote this massive reply back to you and accidentally pressed the back button. -__- Fabulous! lmao
Anyway, I'm trying to pluck up the courage to go in to the student counselor from where I'm currently studying. You're absolutely right about the whole reason they're there and exist is because they want to help people and would not have a job otherwise! So while I might not feel bad about it anymore, now I think it comes down to nerves. I'm terrible at speaking to people in general and really struggle with social situations where the spotlight is all on me.
I'm thinking about writing everything down and then going in, but like... I don't know, it just seems weird, as if the counselor wouldn't 'connect' with me then straight away and would make a judgement based on that. (I know that's unlikely, but this is how my mind works! Haha)

I don't think I'll try to approach my mum again - understandably she seems to be really awkward with whatever she notices about me regarding all of this and right now I don't even want to get her involved. Before it was different because I literally had no other choice, but now that I'm more independent and able to get around for myself, it's easier to do whatever I have to do without her or anyone else knowing.

Thanks also for the link to the alternatives, I'll have a look at that now. I've already healed enough to be able to go over the scars again and I can feel that need rising quickly. Urgh.

You've been an awesome help.
Ness. :3
   
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Re: Heya, I'm Ness; this is my introduction... - August 20th 2012, 02:14 PM

Haha that sucks. I've been getting on here from my phone a lot and if someone calls me while I'm typing out a response, I lose everything.

Anyway, it's really awesome that you're trying to work up the courage to go to the counselor. It takes a lot, but you can do it. I know exactly what you mean about social situations, and I'm not gonna lie and say it'll be easy, but you deserve to feel better and if that person can help you then it's worth it. If it would help you to write stuff down, then go for it! I've done that before just so I don't forget everything I need to say haha. They'll realize that you're nervous and should ask you some questions and guide you, so it's not just you nervously reading off a piece of paper and they're sitting there staring at you. You're gonna be nervous and I don't think there's much you can do about that, but I hope you realize that your happiness and well-being is worth dealing with the nervousness!

If you have access to a counselor without having to talk to your mom, then that's fine. It sounds like trying to go through her would be more stressful for you, and like you said, you're more independent now so I would just not add the extra stress by trying to deal with your mom just yet.

Resist the urges. I know how awful it is and it's not that simple, but you can do it!! I'm glad you're checking out the alternatives, they can be a big help.

Hang in there! And like I said, if you ever need any one to talk to you can always PM me.

Hannah


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Re: Heya, I'm Ness; this is my introduction... - August 22nd 2012, 06:37 AM

Hi Ness,
I'm Nicole (most people call me Nikki, either one is fine with me). I'm glad that you are trying to work up the courage to go to a professional for help and writing things down if you're nervous can be really helpful. If I go into my therapist's office and need to tell her something but am too scared to tell her I write a note and read it or I give her the note and let her read it. Plus, it makes it so you don't forget anything. Also, you said you have fear that you wouldn't "click", that's a common fear when people go to a new counselor/therapist/doctor/case manager, at least I know that I'm always scared when I go to a new one and I know my friends are always nervous when they go to a new one. I'd say first decide whether or not you are comfortable with a male or female therapist, I myself ALWAYS have to have a female however I have several female friends who have a male therapist. It all comes down to what you are comfortable with. Try a therapist, if you don't really feel like there is a connection, go to a few more appointments with them and if it still doesn't feel like the right person look into seeing a different therapist.

I can definitely relate to you on the issue with your mom and what I have learned is that unless a person has been through the situation and the difficulties you are having, they cannot truly understand.

If you ever need to talk or have any questions, feel free to PM me. And, welcome to TH!


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