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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Alex95 Offline
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Guilt and Shame - August 22nd 2012, 11:51 PM

So tonight I self-harmed, it had been over a month since I had done it last, and ages ago before then I don't even remember, I thought I had finished with it but for some reason I just did it. It was pretty bad this time too, the worst I've done to myself. I had this overwhelming urge to hurt myself, unlike anything I've ever felt at any time in my life. It was different to other times and I didn't feel like I was me. I can't explain why. I know a lot of people who self-harm can give reasons, and say that they do it for release of pressure, or some sort of guilt like they should be punished. I don't know exactly why I did it. In some ways I do feel a massive guilt in me, but for reasons I don't even know, I also feel a huge shame in me, as I feel like I've let myself down and the more I hurt myself, the worse I feel, and the more I hurt myself. Before the summer I saw a school counsellor a few times, I didn't tell him about self-harm, as I thought I was done with it and it wasn't necessary to tell him. I intend to go back after the holiday. Occasionally I get thoughts of suicide popping up in my head, not often, and again I don't really know why.

I don't know, I could probably go on, and on. This is mainly a rant for me I guess, but some advice as to what to do would be helpful.

Thank you for reading.
   
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Re: Guilt and Shame - August 23rd 2012, 12:27 AM

Hey Alex. Welcome to TeenHelp. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this right now. I know how hard it can be. I went two years without self injuring and then recently a bunch of stuff happened and I ended up relapsing. It's hard to feel like you've messed something up after going so long, but you just need to try and change the way you think about it. Don't say "wow I messed up a month of being self harm free," say, "I went an entire month without cutting." Because seriously that's so awesome. Self injury is addicting and sometimes the urges pop up and we don't really know why. It happens. Even after being "done with it" for months or years sometimes it just comes up. That's okay. That doesn't mean you're weak or that you can't ever beat it. You're so strong for fighting this. You can go without for a month again and even longer.
When you get urges like that you should check out the alternatives thread
here. There are a bunch of different methods there, so if one doesn't work for you, just try another. When you start to feel the urges really badly, maybe you could write down what you were doing, thinking and feeling right before it happened. Maybe there actually is something that's triggering it, but it's so seemingly insignificant that you don't realize it. Maybe it is random like you said, but it's worth a shot.
I think it's great that you saw a counselor and that you're planning on going back, but I really think you should tell him about your self harm. It's hard for him to help you when he doesn't really know everything that's going on. Talking with a counselor/therapist was one of the biggest things that helped me get over my shame and start recovering. Even though I have relapsed a couple times, I don't feel the same way about it as I used to. It doesn't have the same control over me by making me feel guilty and terrible all the time. Talking with a professional was one of the main things that helped me get to this place and I really hope you give it another shot. Just remember, if you don't open up to them, they can't really help you.
I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. Make sure you take care of yourself where you've SH'd, there's a thread on first aid here too if you need it. Sorry this is sort of a jumbled mess. I hope it makes some sort of sense. I just want you to know that you're not alone in this. Things can get better.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat. Hang in there.
Hannah


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Re: Guilt and Shame - August 23rd 2012, 12:07 PM

Thank you for such a nice reply Hannah That was really helpful, sometimes I can feel the worst I've ever felt, then the next day I can feel ok, it's mostly ups and downs for me very often, sometimes at night I can feel like I want to die, and see no future for myself. The annoying thing is, I have a relatively good life, I haven't had any family tragedies, I haven't been bullied or abused and have a few close friends, and yet somehow, I can still feel lost and completely alone I will definitely tell the counsellor about everything, I think I've realised just how important it is and how bad it could get if I keep it quiet.
   
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Re: Guilt and Shame - August 23rd 2012, 02:59 PM

I think sometimes we make ourselves feel worse by telling ourselves how bad other people have it. Just because you have a lot going for you in life, doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel depressed. I think that suffering is relative. You have a "good life," but depression doesn't care. It affects all different kinds of people. That someone has no right or reason to feel down is just another lie depression tells us to make us feel even worse.

I think it's great you decided to tell your counselor everything. I really think it will help you.
I'm glad I could be of any help, and like I said if you ever need to talk you can PM me. My inbox is always open
Hang in there, even when the nights get rough. Things can get better.
Hannah


Hope is real. Help is real. LOVE is the movement.
   
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