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Means of Control to No Control - August 27th 2012, 01:56 AM

So I've been struggling on and off with SH for 7 years now.. and recently I noticed something. Has anyone else who has been SHing for a decently long period ever realized how in the beginning, it felt like a means of control.. but after a while, it became something that happened when you lost control?

I just feel like in the beginning, I did it so I can have something to control, so I kind of knew that I controlled how I felt, among other reasons. But now, I have to keep control all the time, because if I don't I slip up or relapse, like I recently did.

Being an engineering student, I know more than just the definition of pressure, it's a lifestyle.. And I've grown to be able to handle the stress of it all.. But a recent fight with my ex, who I thought was my best friend (she told me I'm just an ex now, not even a friend), kind of made me lose control. And it really did hit me.

It makes me wonder if I learned control in other ways and mentally turned SH into a negative thing, or if I never actually had control of it in the first place and now I'm just trying to fool myself and justify my actions.

Am I the only one that feels this way?


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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Re: Means of Control to No Control - August 27th 2012, 04:46 AM

Hey.

I've been struggling with this whole sh thing for nearly... atleast 8 years. I understand your theories about control. For me, the incentive to hurt myself hasn't really changed much, but it has changed forms. Basically, my reasoning behind it is because I have absolutely no idea in the world what I'm supposed to do about anything. I can't handle the idea that I can't control or understand certain things. It's aggrivation, confusion, anger, and everything else all rolled into one and thrown at myself.

It was a bit more about having something, anything to control in the beginning. It's always been about trying to control how I feel. Now it's more along the lines of "I can't do anything about anything, but I have to do Something!" Obviously I've not found any other ways to deal with stress that actually work... But sometimes life just sucks entirely more than imaginable and no coping mechanism in the world will help, but Something, has to be done. It's a confusing and stupid philosophy, but lately that's how my mind's been working.

So yes, now it's more about losing control than having something to control. I wish I never started... I've been able to forbid myself to use certain forms of sh over the years, but they just get replaced by others and I see no end in sight...

You may have actually found a way to control it, before you recently relapsed, so try to get back to whatever that was and hold on to it. But remember, it is an addiction and you can't blame yourself for relapsing every now and then after relying on it for so long. It takes time and a hell of a lot of self-control.

I don't know if I answered your question or not, I just kind of started rambling, haha. But if you ever need someone to talk to I'll be around.

Take Care,
Sam


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"But the unfortunate truth is that, while being different from everyone else can be exciting at first, ultimately it can get a little lonely."

"The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no further."
   
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Re: Means of Control to No Control - August 27th 2012, 05:16 AM

I totally appreciate your answer. It's good to know that I'm not the only one.

But in a sense, your motives did change over the years.. you're reasoning. I think that's one of the most terrifying things. An action has so much power over a person, that it can literally alter itself into becoming a fear instead of a comfort, at least for me that's how it is.

I guess I agree to an extent.. Something has to be done, but what? Maybe it's just the inner nerd in me, but I'm always searching for the answer to that question.. I have yet to find an answer, I will probably never find an answer. You know? I've tried keeping to myself, opening up to others, volunteering my time and my energy, dedicating myself to just being something.. but I guess there's a big difference between doing something and being something.

And thanks, but that thing that helped me get over it, is unfortunately gone. I was with my ex for 5 years, we were even engaged. And the last year of our relationship opened my eyes to what I was doing wrong.. and I finally thought I got better 100%. Even when something awful happened, I still felt okay, our relationship was okay. And then suddenly, one day out of nowhere, the relationship ended, and so did my new found control. We tried working it out as friends, because we've known each other for about 10 years. And recently she got a boyfriend, and when she realized that I was upset, she told me that I'm not her friend, I'm just another ex. So I don't think that I'm getting out of this hole for quite a while. She was one of the only things keeping me up.

During the past few years of me trying to truly stop, I did have slip ups, but that's all they were. I still had control. Once every few months, I might have a small slip up, and that was all. Ten minutes later I was up and going like nothing ever happened. But this past week.. I feel like I'm just drowning in myself. I know I just have to get over myself and move on, but I can't. And it's not a slip up this time, it's a full on relapse. There is no control.

And it just makes me think about how 6/7 years ago, SH made me feel like I had control, but now I've just lost it. It makes me wonder how I would be reacting to everything going on right now if I never did it in the first place.


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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