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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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blackjeansnorah Offline
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fear to be judged - July 13th 2013, 10:44 PM

Uhm Hi,

So uhm, I self-harm. Some of my friends are aware of it and try to make me stop, they try to give me the support I need and all but it's not really enough. I wish I could talk about it to my mum but she's kinda really... judgemental. She made loads of mean comments about people who have struggled with self-harm. I tried to tell her. I never went and told her straight up what was going on, but I told her stuff like ''why do you think I wear long sleeve in a 30 celsius temperature?'' But she never really understood. So I figured I would never be able to tell her. The thing is, I'm going to the doctor with her for some blood test Monday and I'll need to roll up my left sleeve so the doctor can make his test and I don't want her to see my scars. I don't want her to because I'll know she'll judge me. I'm so scared and I don't know what to do! I really don't know what to do and I just can't think about anything else!
   
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Re: fear to be judged - July 14th 2013, 08:40 AM

Hey.

I have thought about how I'd handle the situation you're in. my mum doesn't know either, my sister and a few friends know. I thought about what I'd do in your situation and I've come up with this: just ask her to leave, if she says no tell her you want to talk about something with the doctor and since you don't want her to know you want her out the room. I don't know if that'll work, like I said, I ain't been in your situation yet, i've just thought about it. Also, I think that this is a perfect moment to tell, well show, your mum. She may freak out and if she does, tell her that you'll explain everything later and if she doesn't well just wait and see and talk about it later with her even if you have to bring up the subject. You could also wear bracelets but that depends on your scars like how many blah blah blah. You could also try and distract her, say you feel light headed and ask her if she could buy you a bottle of water or something. I can't think of anything else.
You're her child, and if she learns of your self harm, I think she'd want to help you instead of insulting you instead. she's judgemental because she doesn't know that in her family there is that problem and she'd want it sorted out meaning she'd help you. I hope your mum is understanding and I wish you the best of luck with everything and I hope I helped somehow. Sorry if sometimes there's a wrong word or something, i'm on my phone and using Swype.
Good luck
   
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Re: fear to be judged - July 14th 2013, 08:43 AM

Hi there,

It sounds like things are hard for you at the moment with your mum but it's great that you're wanting to talk to her about it. When people first find out that someone close to them Self Harms they react in all sorts of different ways, a lot of the time it comes out as anger, purely because they care and they're probably quite frustrated, especially if they can't understand why you would want to do it.
If your mum has never Self Harmed it's going to be a hard thing for her to understand and that probably why at the moment she is quite judgemental about it all.
I would still sit her down and talk to her about it, at the end of the day she is your mum and it's her job to help and support you through and to not judge you.
A lot of people are surprised by their parents reactions in situations like this.

Your doctor is a doctor and will probably have seen thing like that before. It's their job and they aren't going to judge you, they're there to help you. If they do ask, perhaps talk to them, I don't know what the law states in Canada but here in the UK we have patient doctor confidentiality, so they can't tell anyone most of the time.

I know it's scary at the moment but you can do it, you need the help and support and you need to make that first step in getting it.
In the mean time, I would suggest taking a look at the alternatives thread, they will help to distract you from the urges to Self Harm. They are trial and error, and therefore not all of them may work for you, but hang in there and you WILL find one that does.

Take care and feel free to PM me if you ever want/need to talk,

Charli


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Re: fear to be judged - July 16th 2013, 01:35 AM

Hey, first thanks for your help, I convinced my mum in going to the doctor another day (I'm actually hoping I can like NOT go to the doctor). But the thing is I know I can't avoid going to the doctor for ever. The reason why I'm going is because I have some problems with my periods and my mum keeps saying I'm pregnant etc (which I'm not). So basically, if I go and ask to be alone with the doctor (yeah in Canada too we have patient-doctor confidentiality), my mum will be even more suspicious and will never let the ''pregnant'' subject go. The other thing is; my mum is REALLY religious and in my religion, self-harm is prohibited so even if my mum didn't want to judge me and all she would still be mad and angry, because I'm doing something against the ''religion''. And yeah, I really don't know what to do, Bracelet won't work since my scars are up on my forearm and makeup won't work either since I have a few pretty deep scars and they're way too red to be hidden by any form of makeup... I'm basically screwed...
   
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Re: fear to be judged - July 16th 2013, 03:03 AM

Maybe it's jsut a sign now for you to know. If you want you can ask to talk to you doctor alone for a few and confide in him and see if he can help your mom when she finds out. My moms the same way as your mom is and it's really hard so i know how you feel :/ I hope things work out for you


CeCe

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." - Lance Armstrong
   
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Re: fear to be judged - July 17th 2013, 09:07 AM

Just a little bit of advice, if and when she find out and she's all like "it's against my religion" and stuff like that, tell her that there are a few more real and important issues than you breaking some rule some drunk ancestors made up.
I dunno, hope it helps if she pulls the religion card
   
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Re: fear to be judged - July 17th 2013, 03:10 PM

Hey there,

This would definitely be a tough situation to be in. I think the others have given you some good pieces of advice such as asking your mom not to go in the room but I understand why you are uncertain about doing that. Something that might be possible is having the doctor draw blood from an arm that has less scars? (If one arm is scared less than the other that is) I know you said you would have to pull up your left sleeve but it might be possible that they could do your right instead. When you go into your doctors office just automatically pull up your right sleeve and see if they take the blood from there. I know there have been times when I have gotten blood taken and I have chosen to let them draw blood from the arm that is less scarred than the other. It isn't the greatest solution because your mom still might see the scars but it is a possibility that she will brush it off.

If that is not an option maybe you could consider having a friend go with you to the appointment for moral support? I don't know if your mom will allow this but if she does it might help ease the feelings you are having to have someone there who knows about your self harm.

Another thing you could do is print out information about self harm so that when you and your mom get home from the appointment you will have information for her to read to better educate herself. If she wants to talk to you about your self harm be open to answering the questions and try not to get too defensive by the questions she asks because some of them might just be asked out of curiosity.

Lastly, I know you are really worried she is going to judge you but what if she doesn't? Honestly, you can never tell how loved ones are going to respond to the news that someone they care for is in so much pain that they are harming themselves. I am sure your mom loves you and while she may be religious she might be able to look past that and see the pain you've been in and try and help you get the help you deserve so that you no longer feel the need to self harm.

I hope that this helped and if you need anything please feel free to message me.


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