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xLostx Offline
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Exclamation Teetering on the edge? - November 5th 2013, 02:40 AM

It's been a loooong while since I've been on here...I used to post under a different name back in '03 but then I kicked that account to the curb after someone figured out who I was in RL....Anyways I'm back now a few years after making this account....*Sigh*...I just need to get this out and there's no one I can really talk to since everyone around me expects me to be this super strong, deal with everything on my own, never to break down type person.

But I'm cracking....I'm slowly breaking...I'm starting to go back to those downward spiraling blackhole just end it now thoughts, that back in my early and mid teen years had pushed me to self harm, anorexia, get into drugs and drink all my problems away. Going six years clean of self mutilation and drugs, I find myself back into the same thought patterns...Worse now that I feel like my life is spiraling beyond my control....

I don't know what to do anymore....I don't know how much longer I can cope while feeling like I'm suffocating....Help?!
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Re: Teetering on the edge? - November 5th 2013, 03:23 AM

Hey there,

First of all, I want to say that even though you are struggling with these urges right now, it is great that you have made it six years clean so far! That is a really great accomplishment no matter how many urges you are having now, so please don't take it lightly! This is just a temporary thing, after all.

I know that you said the people in your life expect you to be this super strong person, but does that mean if you WERE to tell them, they wouldn't be willing to help you? I bet they would rather know what's going on and try to help than see you spiral downward later on, right? You really do deserve the support. If you really aren't able to speak to the people in your life, is there any way to speak with a doctor or therapist about this? They can keep everything you say confidential, between just the two of you, and they don't have any high expectations of you. But, it really is a good idea for you to speak to someone about this because they can help you cope in different ways and solve some of the things that may be triggering this so you don't reach a point where you have to relapse. You don't have to be strong all the time.

Do you know what it is that is causing you to feel this way? What triggered all of this to start? If you are unsure, it may help you to keep a journal, because you can take note of the urges by writing down the date and time, where you were, what was going on, and how you felt. Then you can look back and see if you can pinpoint any causes that you can solve.

Since you haven't been here in a while, have you seen this alternatives to self harm list? These are healthier, safer ways to cope, so maybe you can try one of these. If one doesn't work, don't feel too bad, just try others. Maybe you can consider being around people, either in person or on the phone, when you have urges because even if you don't tell them what's going on, it's hard to give in when around other people.

Write down all of the things you have accomplished in these six years of being free from the self harm and the drugs. One of the first things you should mention is beating the urge and how you did it. Also write down anything you or others like about you, physically or personality related, as a reminder that you are worth so much more than self harm and drugs. Write down or print out encouraging quotes and pictures to remind yourself you CAN get through this.

It may also be beneficial for you to take care of yourself. Exercise is a good way to release stress and stay healthy, and you can also find ways to express your emotions such as writing, art, or music. Try to eat healthy. And, have "me time." Maybe take a warm bath or shower then curl up with a good book or movie, paint your nails, use a nice smelling lotion, or have your favorite foods. You can even do a hobby you like, or learn a new one.

I really do think you should consider getting support, though. I'm sure the people around you will recognize that everyone needs support once in a while.


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