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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Jess~ Offline
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doing it for the "wrong" reasons? - May 5th 2015, 06:27 AM

i don't think there's any "right" reasons to self harm, but people seem to typically do it to get that release.. to use physical pain to distract them from their emotional pain.

i do it partially for that reason, yes. but i've found that i also seem to do it because i want people to know that i'm hurting inside??

i'm known as a generally tough person. the smart people at school don't mess with me, and the stupid ones soon learn why they shouldn't. i got in a lot of fights 7-8th grade, and when high school came i promised that i would try not to fight anymore.

that's besides the point. the point is that many people -- my friends especially -- seem to think that i'm this violent, tough, emotionless monster. and if i do feel emotion, it's only anger and hatred.
it's more of a joke between my friends and i, but it comes from their real interpretations of me, so i guess i do give off that kind of attitude.

when i'm not acting like a surly, obnoxious beast, then i just don't seem to care at all. people praise me all the time for my "I don't give a sh-t" attitude, and they constantly tell me how "cool" it is. (if only they knew why i pretend i don't care.)

truth is that, yeah, okay, that is really me. but i've developed that attitude as a defense mechanism, because i've been hurt so much.

i just went through a break up. only my second relationship and it only lasted three days. it wasn't as heart-breaking as it was embarrassing and degrading, but i still hate myself for screwing it up.
my family life is absolute hell. the constant fighting and screaming and cursing and nagging...

so i cut.

and i don't care if people see the cuts. there are times when i get self-conscious of the slits on my wrist, and i'll quickly pull my sleeve over them or fold my arms or something.

but part of me actually wants people to see my cuts.

cutting is pretty much a universal sign for emotional pain/hurting. if you see someone with cuts, you know they've probably been through emotional hell and back -- or maybe they're still there.

and with my "tough, no-care personality", i feel like i can NEVER tell anyone how i really feel. i don't feel comfortable just telling people how much i'm hurting inside. it makes me feel weak and pathetic to admit that i'm trapped with so much pain inside. and it's not like anyone would take me seriously anyway.
once, my friend was switching schools, and i said, "dude, i'm so sad that i actually feel like crying." and everyone laughed because they seriously thought it was a joke. they then proceeded to say, "nah, everyone knows she's physically incapable of crying." and "what happens when you cry? do the tears burn your skin??" (mind you, they were purely joking with me. i swear that they weren't trying to be mean at all, and i didn't feel bullied or anything. i knew they were joking.)
there are times when my friends ask me if i'm okay though. no matter how i'm feeling, i always lie, to uphold my reputation.
i'm just afraid of letting people in so easily. i'm not that great with words. i need them to see.

cuts for me are almost like a silent cry for help. and i know that only the people who truly care will actually try and answer that cry.

but does this make me just another one of those posers, who only cut to get attention?
i really don't want to disrespect people who are actually addicted to self harming.
this is just my weird reason that i cut, and i don't know if it's wrong or not??

i've found that i have full control over whether or not i cut -- i'm not addicted to it or anything. maybe it's because i just started to do it, but i don't know. all i know is that i'm fully aware when i'm doing it, and i could probably stop if i really wanted to.
but i've only felt that huge, wonderful release once -- the first time i cut. so i just don't know if maybe i don't really need to cut, i just want to so that maybe people can finally see?

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
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Re: doing it for the "wrong" reasons? - May 5th 2015, 09:28 PM

I don't think there are any wrong reasons to cut. I agree with you in that a lot of people do it for a release, although some people use it as a punishment. It usually comes down to people using it to cope with something - that something just depends on the person. I personally don't believe in attention seeking. If you think about it, attention is a human need and there's no shame in wanting any. People release albums and show their work to get positive attention for something that they put a lot of effort in. Someone who hurts themselves for the attention is struggling just as much as someone who hurts themselves and doesn't want the attention from it. What matters here is that you're feeling the need to cut yourself, regardless of the reasons why you do it. Whether or not you show your cuts is up to you, but make sure you keep them clean, especially if you decide to show them.

It's easy to put on an act and it's a lot harder to break the act and let people in. Letting people in is hard, but it gets easier with time. You just have to take that first step and reach out to someone before you can get used to letting people in. Everyone is fighting their own internal battle and I'm sure some of the people around you are aware of that. I think at least one person that you know would be willing to support you through this if you decide to ask for help.

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Re: doing it for the "wrong" reasons? - May 7th 2015, 04:21 AM

I don't think that you are a poser. Your reasons for self harming are relevant and make sense to me. I don't think there is a right or wrong reason for cutting. I've known people who showed off their self harm cuts and I knew they were struggling in their own way. It's different for everyone.

I think that you need to work on letting people in. I know this is hard and I've had a hard exterior due to all the times I have been hurt. But, I slowly started letting people in. Some of these people have hurt me and some of them turned out to be really good friends. It's hard to let people in but you should talk about how emotionally raw you feel. It could be helpful.

If you can talk to your parents and see about getting in to a counselor. I know counseling has helped me quite a bit.

I hope this helped and I am wishing you the best of luck.

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