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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
jamdoughnut Offline
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just listen.. - June 27th 2015, 06:52 AM

Please bear with me. I just need to vent.

so my brother hates me. I think he always has and im sure he always will. Three years ago he hurt me. We were locked in a house for the entire summer and we were home alone. And every chance he got he reminded me how much he hates me how im garbage to him. How im not good enough how im not worth it how weak and stupid and disgusting i was. He said all of these things to me and i tried to fight it but i couldnt. He made me believe it and he made me hate myself. This was constant, nearly every day that summer and it slowly drove me crazy. Emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse to the point where i didnt even know who i was anymore. I tried to stop him and i tried telling my mom about him but she turned it around and blamed me for it all. I started cutting because of him. When the summer ended and the next sckool year started i was so messed up i didnt even know how to be myself. And the one person who i thought was my friend thought that i wasnt worth it either and just ditched me. She knew that i was cutting and she knew that i was suicidal and she ditched me anyway. I spent my entire sixth grade year alone...

I really havent been truly happy since befor that summer. The only other time i could think was when i was dating this guy. He made me feel special and he gave me a reason not to cut again a reason to live. But then things started to get bad and i could feel that something bad was going to happen. He broke up with me just befor the last school year ended. He didnt mean to but he ended up triggering me. Its all i think about... him and all of my friends and my fucked up past and my brother (whos ironically named jesus) and that damn razor.

only my closest friends know that i cut, i wouldnt dare let my parents know. And my brother has no idea what he did and no idea what hes doing. Its his birthday monday and im gonna have to sit there and smile like everythings fine. But even if he is an ass i still love him and i try my hardest to forgive him. I just wish the pain would go away. I wish that for once the people i love would stop hurting me, so that i could be happy again and get away from all of this. I wish i could stop hateing myself for everything that has happened...
sometimes i just cry out to god, not to stop the pain but to take me home, to just end it all. For him to take my life and take me home, rather than me killing myself. I know i would never actually.... but still, it scares me. I cry out and yet im still here. Gods not ready for me yet, and hes keeping me here for a reason. He has something great in store for me. I just wish i knew what.

sorry this is so long, and thanks

Last edited by jamdoughnut; June 28th 2015 at 07:12 AM.
   
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nouedis Offline
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Re: just listen.. - June 27th 2015, 07:00 AM

You have a lot of courage to do what it is that you're doing at the moment. You don't deserve that nor should be going through that at all. Sadly, those who are beautiful and true end up getting ruined by those who were affected somehow and someway. It's a shame to hear your brother being a mega douche to you. He should love and guide you no matter what.
   
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Re: just listen.. - June 27th 2015, 05:36 PM

I'm sorry to hear things are so rough for you right now. The situation between you and your brother is unfortunate and I can't even begin to explain why he would mistreat you so terribly. If this abuse is continuing, I feel you should tell someone - if your parents refuse to believe you, then perhaps another family member, friend, parent of a friend, teacher, or anyone you feel may be able to help.

In regard to your self-harming, perhaps you could try and replace that practice and pain with something more positive, such as friends or family you are close to. Spending time with them or even finding a fun hobby could temper your urge to self-harm. You mentioned being happy once while dating someone - you can find that feeling again. Best wishes.
   
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Ral. Offline
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Re: just listen.. - June 28th 2015, 06:49 PM

Hey Jamari,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling right now, but you're doing a really good job controlling yourself from what I can see, venting is a great way to let out your feelings.

I'm sure that things with your brother will heal over time; he won't hate you forever but if you feel that this abuse is escalating too far and if it continues, I strongly agree with Adam and think that you should tell somebody. Keeping things like this from people is usually worse than just telling people what's going on, but that's your decision to make so don't feel pressured.

Anyways, I just wanted you to know that all of us on TH are here for you and you don't need to apologise for letting out your feelings when you need to.

If you need somebody to talk talk, you're free to let me know.

Take care of yourself,

Jack.


PM/VM Me if you need any sort of help, I welcome ANYONE who wants to talk.



"In case you didn't know, dead people don't bleed. If you can bleed, see it, feel it, then you know you're alive. It's irrefutable, undeniable proof. Sometimes I just need a little reminder.
   
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