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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
jamdoughnut Offline
my other ride's a rainicorn
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trying to hang on - September 3rd 2015, 10:38 PM

My hands are numb. I cant breath. I want to cry but i cant. Im gonna do it again. Im so close.

I dont have a lot of people holding me up, especially now that im in highschool. This one guy (lets call him s) refuses to talk to me. Hes supposed to be my friend,but its like he just cut me off and now he wont talk to me and i dont know why. And i need him. He knows a lot about me, more than i would like him to, actually. He knows about the cutting, and about how i feel at home. He does care about me, i know that, but i dont know why he would stop talking to me. I know its not good for me to be around him,because he does trigger me (more than he knows, but never intentionally. I know that he would never want me to do something like that to myself.) Hes not good for me, but i still need him. I cant be alone. That triggers me more than anything else. I need him there to remind me that im not alone. I dont even care what we talk about, just need him there.
but because he wont say anything to me, im feeling even more alone. I know that im not, but the feeling is still there, and thats the thing ghat triggers me.
please, i cant relapse. And dont tell me that its ok to relapse, because its not. Dont tell me to try other methods, because theyre not working. I cant fall again. Ive come too far. Im about to snap, i dont know how else to cope. What am i supposed to do?

I know you are looking for a sea that lies beyond your reach
But im hoping my heart can stop you before you reach the beach
I know you have places to go
I know that you want the sea
But im hoping my heart will grow and that you'll
come back to me.....
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Hypothesis. Offline
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Re: trying to hang on - September 4th 2015, 03:33 AM

I think the fact you posted this is one of the most important things, because it shows that there is at least a part of you that is holding out and doesn't want to do this.

Maybe you can send S one final message, where you let him know how you feel. You can let him know that you understand if he doesn't want to be friends with you anymore, but you would at least like a bit of closure and to know why. If he doesn't respond, maybe you can find ways to move on.

Maybe you can try some breathing exercises, or even take a walk to clear your mind.

For me, I also find myself more able to prevent a relapse when around other people, because obviously you can't self harm in front of them and they may start to wonder if you're gone for too long.

You didn't want other methods, but I want to let you know that it can really help to vent or continue to try alternatives. There's always something out there that you haven't tried, and it may work better.

Thinking of you. <3

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