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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Cantaxi Offline
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Selfharming Relationship - September 14th 2015, 10:59 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey guys,

Right now I'm in a relationship with the most amazing and beautiful girl I've ever met. I actually don't know how I managed to get someone this amazing to love me. Unfortunately right now she is also self harming and it literally kills me whenever I see her cuts and scars. I also find that despite my own struggle with self harm being more physically damaging I find myself sick with worry about her and I don't know what to do. Please, don't bother answering with 'talk to her about your feelings.' It's so overused I'm just going to ignore it. If anyone one has actually advice to help her stop or to help me stop worrying I would be very grateful for your answers.

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Re: Selfharming Relationship - September 14th 2015, 11:20 PM

Hey there!

I'm sorry that your girlfriend is struggling with self-harm. Seeing someone you care for so much struggle with self-harm must be incredibly difficult.

Talking about your feelings and allowing her to talk about hers is an effective way of communicating. Otherwise, how do you know when something is wrong or how do you figure out ways to resolve specific issues? It may be "overused" but I believe that's because it's effective. Not sure if you have or not, but have you asked her why she self-harms and what made her turn to that? Allowing her to talk about it and get things off her chest might help her. On that note, has she reached out for additional help such as therapy or at least reached out to others in her life like her parents for personal support?

What about a goal for both of you? You could suggest to her about reaching a few weeks or a month self-harm free and go on from there. You could participate as well and let her know she can tell you if she relapses, that there's no pressure. This could be good for both you and her because you can support each other through urges and make progress together. The two of you could also participate in the Butterfly Project. Perhaps you could make her a homemade bracelet to wear so that even when she's alone, she'll see the bracelet and be reminded someone cares and doesn't want her to hurt herself.

Does she have a journal? Maybe you could give her a journal so that she has a private place to vent about her feelings, thoughts and also write down what triggers her. Identifying triggers is a helpful way to take the next step in figuring out how to cope with those triggers or at least avoid them. There's also a helpful thread with a list of self-harm alternatives, here. You could print out the page for her or link her to that page. Speaking of, how about inviting her to join TeenHelp? There's lots of kind, supportive people here so she may benefit from being here as there's others who can relate to her and give advice and such.

The fact that you worry so much for her shows you care a lot. I'm glad she has someone who cares so much for her. The thing is, she has to be willing to stop before she can so the best thing to do is be supportive of her and encourage recovery. Be there for her when she needs to talk, let her know she can talk to you if she's having urges etc. Showing her kindness and support through this will help more than you know. Keep that in mind. Throughout this, make sure you're also taking care of yourself too, okay? Wanting to help her through this is really kind of you to do but you have to make sure you're watching after yourself as well.

Hope this helped in someway and that your girlfriend can recover to live a healthier, self-harm free life. And you too. Take care and stay strong.
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Re: Selfharming Relationship - September 15th 2015, 01:50 AM

Originally Posted by Cantaxi View Post
. Please, don't bother answering with 'talk to her about your feelings.' It's so overused I'm just going to ignore it.
It's overused because it's helpful advice and often the only thing that will help a person. Most "overused" advice is given because situations all have their similarities. At the end of the day you can't "fix" another person or make them stop. As her partner, providing her with an outlet and support is a brilliant thing to do. I know it can be really worrying when someone you love is in pain, but it's really important to just provide her with support. Also remember to take some time for yourself and look after your needs too! You'll be able to help her if you're in a better place too, so please don't underestimate your own feelings.

Nala gave you some brilliant advice! I hope everything works out

Take as long as you need.
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Re: Selfharming Relationship - September 20th 2015, 12:43 AM


I'm sorry that your girlfriend is struggling so much. Maybe make a plan to do certain activities with her whenever she gets the urges to cut. For example, tell her to call you whenever she has urges and you guys can go watch the sunset or something to get her mind off of it. The most you can do is remind her how worthy she is of happiness and that you're there to help. It is definitely hard to be in a relationship while you're struggling, it is probably hard for both of you. But the most you can do is offer all of the help you can. You could also buy her a calendar to keep track of how many days/months/etc she can go without cutting. It's pretty motivating to wake up every morning and look at a calendar and see how many days you've gone without any cuts. Good luck
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