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Bianca_Mae Offline
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Unhappy I just don't know anymore - July 23rd 2017, 07:12 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Its been 18 days since I last cut. And before this my longest streak was 16 days, until I saw my old friends who treated me like shit and caused my depression. I cut 5 times. Which is the most I've cut in one time. Before that it was three. And I notice that when I do cut after a long streak of not cutting, is that i cut deeper and more than I used to because I haven't cut in a while.

I have a therapist. I am not medicated. My mom knows. But it isn't brought up to talk about ever. My dad may or may not know but I don't talk to him about any of this stuff, because whenever depression is brought up, he just says kids have nothing to be depressed about and the other day he compared it to bipolar disorder, which are two completely different things.

My anxiety is getting bad again, and then the cutting urges returned today after I am involved with drama shit again because I was looking out for an old friend, but now I am in a lot more trouble. I want to cut, but at the same time I don't. last time I cut, i regretted it the moment after. But I just need the relief because I screw everything up and I am worthless.

I try so hard to look out for those closest to me and in return it gets thrown back in my face and I feel like shit. And then I lie awake at 2 am and think about every little thing I've done wrong and contemplate taking out my hidden [edited] blade and cutting.

I always reach this point eventually, and I've tried other methods. My therapist tells me methods I can use and so do people on this site. But no matter what, i always reach this point eventually.

Last edited by cynefin; July 24th 2017 at 02:42 PM. Reason: Removing specific tool.
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Re: I just don't know anymore - July 24th 2017, 02:47 PM

It is a good thing that you're using different coping skills suggested by your therapist and by people on this website. Those skills do help, but even with them it can definitely be difficult sometimes. You said you always reach this point eventually despite what you do and when you reach this point it is important that you try to keep fighting. The longer you don't cut, the less intense it gets when you reach these points. It is hard but it can be done.

In the meantime, do you think you can hide your tools so it is more work to get to them? For instance, you can put them in a different room or in the top shelf of your closet. This could help if you're worried about going too deep.

Is there any particular feeling within the relief you are searching for? If so, you can pinpoint it and find that same feeling in a healthier way (e.g. Holding an ice cube).

You are not worthless at all even if you don't believe that right now. When you can't sleep, maybe you can try to get up and do something so you aren't laying there reliving events of your past. Or, you could try other things to help you fall asleep like deep breathing or meditation music.

You can do this.

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