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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Help - August 16th 2009, 06:40 AM

Right.. I have no idea where else to go, so I google searched help websites.. I.. Have been trying for months to help her.. But it just gets worse and worse each day.. Now she's hardly talking.. Or the topic easily changes to her issues.. And she's crying and physically hurting herself...

I don't know if this should be put under the relationships section.. But..

I have a friend, let's call her Jane to avoid any confusions (Jane is not her real name, of course I'm not going to post real names.).

Jane loves Laura. Laura has been her best friend for 4 years. She finds it hard to keep many relationships and Laura has always looked after her through high school.. So she is in love with Laura.

However, Laura loves someone else and Jane is her best friend, not a lover. Laura has started going out with the other girl and Jane doesn't want to upset them.. But Jane can't stop loving Laura.

To add complications, another girl, Mary, has fallen in love with Jane, because Jane is so nice to everyone, really a wonderful caring person who has helped Mary get over her depressions. (Jane also helped me get over my own depression.. So I really want to do the same for her but don't know how.)

Jane thought she could resolve her problems by going out with Mary.. But Jane still loved Laura the whole time.. And Jane knows that it is the best solution to go out with Mary, knows that she can make Mary happy, and wants to.. But.. She's finding it so hard because she can't change her feelings for Laura..

Now she's broken up with Mary.. And.. She thinks that she will only ever find true happiness with Laura.. But she's hating herself for breaking up with Mary - Not loving Mary like she thinks she should, to make Mary happy.. And she wants to be with Laura, and hates herself because it would mean breaking Laura and her girlfriend up.

Jane knows that all her friends don't want her to hurt herself... Knows that it's a bad thing.. But she's hating herself.. She can't stop loving Laura.. And I can't get her to see anyone.. And.. I don't know what to say...

What can I do? I've told her it's bad to cut herself.. I've.. She is already so aware of everything, all the obvious solutions.. She's extremely clever and she knows.. But.. She just can't control her feelings for Laura..

Please.. Help.. What can I do for Jane? I just want her to be happy... To stop hurting herself..
   
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Name: Raptor
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Re: Help - August 16th 2009, 05:43 PM

Hey.
Welcome to Teenhelp. I'm glad you found us.
We'll do everything we can to help you out here =]

I'm sorry to hear what a mixed up time you and Jane are going through, it sounds tough, but you're doing the right thing being there for her and trying to help.

Self harm is a complex thing. Let Jane know you'll be there for her. You said she was a smart girl, so why not suggest she talks to a doctor or someone about the self harm. Or tell her about Teen Help, there are a lot of people experienced with Self harm who would help her out.

In my opinion, I think Jane should take the time to talk to everyone involved.
First, Mary. To tell her what's going on in her head, that she didn't mean to hurt her or use her.

Mary's bound to be hurt, but she's due some explanation and closure on this.

Then suggest Jane talks to Laura. Not in a way to break Laura and her girlfriend up, but to tell her friend what's happening in her head. Friends tell each other things.

Communication is the way forward. Once things are out in the open, Jane might feel less pressured by the whole situation and given time things could ease. Feelings might change.
I wish I could word this better, but I really think it would help to talk.

Also, I know you're helping your friends, but try not to let it affect your own depression. I know it's hard to stay on top whilst dealing with others you are for.

We're here for you,
Raptor!


I'm making sense of shattered dreams
I want you to be proud of me.

Freedom can be frightning if you've never felt it.

Member since 2006.
Recovering self harmer - Last SH 24/08/09
   
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Re: Help - August 16th 2009, 06:05 PM

Hi Mr Unmentionable (I always feel awkward using people's screenames - sounds so weird!)
Firstly, I want to thank you so much for replying to my post, reading what you said really made me feel better, honestly. I think if you can find the same part of you that was so supportive of me when you talk to her, then you'll help her in the same way.
I'm so sorry you're in this tough position, especially given your history of depression, which you were strong enough to overcome-well done! As a self-harmer, I can identify with the feeligns you are describing for Jane. Trouble is, sh is something Jane needs rightnow, whether or not my opinion is valid, I don't know, I'm obviously biased, but I know what it is like to be in that state of self-hate and not knowing what to do. At least Laura has friends liek you who know she self harms, perhaps if you focus on giving her the support and friendship she needs (which you already seem to be doing very well), she will feel stronger and will stop of her own accord. I don't know about her, but very often my sh is a tool to help me keep going, rather than a tool of self punishment.
It's so tough to be in the position of a caring friend, I know I put my friends through hell, but things will get better, I promise, just hang in there, be a friend and please PM (private message) me if you want to know / ask anything or if you simply need someone to talk to, I'd be more than happy to help you.
Hang in there!
Harriet xxxxxxxx



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