i dont know what to do...

[*Alyssa*]

it's been 3 months and 6 days since i last cut.....and lately....ALL i want to do it see those cuts on my arms again. i have a few scars that are pretty visible and i have a lot that i can't even see anymore. the scary thing is, i want to see them....i want to have those cuts and i want the pain that goes along with them. i recently broke up w/ my boyfriend who i've been dating on and off for 6 months. this time we were really serious and i got scared. actually, i got terrified. i couldn't handle it. we only had a week until he was gonna be here. and i couldn't handle the fear i felt. i felt like i was being pressured even though i knew i wasnt being pressured. he's my best friend. and i miss him SOOOOOO much all the time. there hasnt been a single night this week where i havent cried myself to sleep. i want him to move on. i want him to find someone better and be happy with them.....because i could never be that perfect girl for him but right now....ALL i want is to cut....i feel like that will help me. i feel all this pain about the situation but i cant control it. if i cut, i'll be able to control that pain....i don't know what to do.....except cut....

[annabanana.]

Alyssa honey, you have gone three months and six days. that's what, 96 days? That's almost 100! That is amazing. You are so strong to have got this far and you should be proud of yourself. Set a target for 100 days... Then 105, then 110 and so on. I believe you can beat this, once and for all.

Have you tried talking to someone near you about how you are feeling? It is harder to stop self harming without support from elsewhere. Everyone on TH is here for you if you ever need us, but sometimes the extra support from someone who you could see regularly is useful.

It is OK to feel like that about someone. I often feel pressured before I actually am being, it is perfectly normal and you aren't alone in that. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? Perhaps that could be of some use for you, if you trust him? And you can still be friends and see each other. It's good that you want him to move on, it is a positive thing and actually suggests that you secretly want to move on as well. The thing is, it takes time Alyssa. It can't happen overnight and I can't put a time frame on it either. Just try to stay strong and keep fighting - there will be someone else.

Have you had a look at the Alternatives thread (click here)? If not, try and have a look through there and see if you can see anything sticks out for you - and try it. If it doesn't work then try something else, then keep trying until you find the one that suits you best. It might be a good idea to find more than one that work for you, then you can decide which one to do judging by how you feel at that moment.

Here if you need me,
Take care.
Anna