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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Epoh Offline
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How I feel. - February 7th 2011, 07:01 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Ö.Iím not quite sure how to start this. The point of this forum is to be able to talk about my problems and receive supportÖbut I still feel the overwhelming feeling to keep things to myself. Iím pushing through it though because right now Iím at a point where I need to get something out, and if I canít tell those around me, maybe people I donít know will be a good start? That sounds scarier written out than it did in my head.

I suffer from severe depression. I have since I was 14 years old. Iíve tried to commit suicide a total of 3 times and I started to cut when I was 17, but stopped shortly after, right before my 18th birthday. I was still severely depressed, but it revolved mostly around excessive crying and consistent thoughts of suicide. I finally realized I needed help when I was 20, and decided to see a psychiatrist. I was put on medication and I stayed on medication for about 2 years. I stopped partially for financial reasons and mostly because I hated the way the medication made me feel. I found that I was able to control my depression through a series of signs/signals that I put out to myself. It worked for a while. Then one bad day, I went into the bathroom, broke apart a razor and made the first cut upon my skin in over 4 years. Instead of feeling ashamed, I felt relief. Which isnít a new thing, but when I was younger, it was coupled with shame. But that first cutÖI not only felt relief but I felt something new. Something dangerous. I felt control. I felt focused. And oddly proud. I cut more after that. More excessively than I had before. And I found out something about myself. I cut to make scars. I cut to see blood. To see the blots on the toliet paper. I cut to feel the pain of it rubbing against my wrist band. The urge to cut starts with the first sign of a break down. Pressure. The dullness. The lack of interest, the overwhelming sadness. The road to suicidal thoughts and justÖpain. Then I cut, to release the pressure and feel the pain of my wound so I can think of that instead of anything else. What is left behind, the scars, are reminders of where I was and were I never want to be. They remind me that I want to be where that scar took me. To freedom. My scars, the bigger they are, the more pain I was in. They serve as reminders to keep fighting, they show me that I survive. That I can survive. That I will survive.

I hide my scars like nobodyís business. I get extremely paranoid and think people know Iím trying to hide them. But I have no plans to quit. I never want to go back to my zombie walk. I donít want to feel the ache as I walk around day in and day out under a severe depression. I donít want to feel the lack of emotion I felt with a pill. I am in no way condoning my behavior, I know itís not healthy. Itís why I keep it a secret. Itís why no one knows. But I ask myself. Do I want to wallow in my pity or have a few scars?

The thing is. Itís not working anymore. Iím starting to feel shame again. I have urges to cut whenever I canít cut and I feel fine when I can. So Iíve lost control. I have felt so depressed the last couple of days and Iím not sure exactly what to do about it. =( I know I should talk to someone, but the thing is that I have an overwhelming fear of telling people my problems. I have a past of people constantly telling me that I am an attention seeker and that I am a baby, so I just stopped telling people my problems. Itís become such a habit that no one knows anything about me anymoreÖeveryone thinks Iím this crazy happy girl. So who people see is completely different from who I am. Itís probably not a new conceptÖ

My hope for this extremely long thread is to finally be able to let part of me out and not be so afraid to. Itís here so I can have a different kind of release and see if that helps. Itís almost rhetorical, like out here just to be out here, no need for a reply. Just the notion of someone reading it will hopefully be something.

Iím shaking right now because I donít know if I can hit submit.
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Re: How I feel. - February 7th 2011, 07:13 AM

Dear Midnightyen,
I'm going through that too. The feeling of relief with no shame when you SH. Not only that but I've been though the pain of friends telling me that I'm an attention seeker. I actually lost every single one of my friends because I was severely depressed and I admit, I was seeking a tad bit of attention. But they dramatized it. I just wanted someone to care, you know? Anyway, this is about you. Not me!
I can't exactly give you any advice about how to stop or anything because I don't know either. What I can do is listen to your problems. PM me if you need any help. I'm here for you! I promise I won't judge and I understand what's going on.
Also, there's this thing on here. I'm not exactly sure how to find it. But it's this HelpLink thing on here. It helps me a lot. I go to it whenever I need advice. The moderators on here are very helpful and kind. They know what they're doing. I strongly encourage you to reach out and talk to them.
Like I said, PM me if you want to talk!
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Epoh Offline
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Re: How I feel. - February 11th 2011, 11:27 PM

Thank you for your reply and taking the time to ready my long post. =) It's very appreciated and I wish you luck with what you have to deal with now and in the future. <3
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Re: How I feel. - February 12th 2011, 03:32 AM

Hey there.

I want to start off by saying how incredibly brave it was of you to post this. I know talking about personal things like this can be very difficult, even to complete strangers over the internet. So you should feel proud, even if only for the fact you were brave enough to hit 'submit'.

It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's understandable you'd be reluctant to talk to people about it. It's also understandable that you'd be feeling the way you are.

I know that self harm can have a somewhat invigorating effect. It can make you feel alive. But that doesn't mean it's good. Isn't a bad sort of living where you have to rely on hurting yourself to feel good? You said it's unhealthy, and that alone should be reason enough for you to at least consider stopping.

It's okay to hide your scars. Many people do. I know I'm still not comfortable showing my self harm scars. They're private, and I don't - and you don't - need to show them to anybody else, not if you don't want to.

You say you feel like you've lost control. That's not uncommon. Self harm can have a way of taking over your life, dominating your feelings and your thoughts, and it's then you start to really think about what you're doing to yourself. You have to remind yourself that you are in control of your life. You are in control of your body, what you do and don't do, whether you self harm or not. You need to work not to let self harm control you.

When people have reacted negatively in the past, putting you down or making you feel like you're not worth it, it's natural to be reluctant to open up again. But let me tell you something: these people who acted that way... it wasn't your fault. They're the ones who aren't worth it, if they can't even try and see things from your point of view. You need to find people who'll be supportive and non-judgmental, who you can talk to without fear, whether that be a friend, family member, counsellor, or someone else. You need to find people you can trust, and then in time you can learn to be open and honest with them - and yourself.

If you want to talk about any of this, my PM box is always open.

I hope things get better for you soon.
Take care.

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if only numbers make its math.
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