Slipped up, but now I don't want to stop...

[pixiesticks]

Possibly a tiny bit triggering? I don't know, maybe.

I cut yesterday morning. I was having horrible thoughts and it was my grandma's 90th birthday - but she died last Septmeber, so it was the first birthday without her here, and it was hard So I basically thought, it's okay for me to cut, it'll be this once, and I've been doing so good, so I'll just do it right now, and I'll continue to do well (it would have been two months without anything on the 28th).

But now, I don't want to stop. It felt so amazing and I had forgotten how much I missed it. So now I want to keep doing it, over and over. And I know I shouldn't. I hadn't had an urge in a long time, and now it's like, the urge is always there. I've wanted to cut ever since my wounds stopped bleeding.

How do I make this want to cut stop? I feel terrible, if I hadn't had cut, I wouldn't have realized how much I missed it, and I wouldn't want to cut. I've never felt this bad about messing up. I've always just shrugged it off. I don't know what to do with myself. And I've tried stuff, writing, reading, watching TV, drawing. But I can't get my mind off of it. Nothing is helping. Is it okay if I just give in and continue cutting? (sometimesifeellikestoppingisntforme)

I'm sorry this is so long :/

[Darrenboy!]

try doing something more funner than those.. like maybe going out.. and partying.

something that results in the creation of more happy memories. cause no matter what happens, things can get better. just will yourself to overcome the shit and you can definitely overcome it. One tip: think of everything positively. Even if the glass is totally empty, think of it as the glass being full of air. think of everything in a good manner, and good things will come.

and no, its not okay to cut. You, someone as wonderful as yourself hurting yourself physically, is a very bad thing. dont hurt yourself again, cause we love you.

stay strong!

[Reverie.]

Hey there!

First of all, well done on going so long without SH, it's truely wonderful that you went that long without hurting yourself and I'm really very proud of you for doing that. You should feel so proud of yourself aswell. Unfortunately one slip up is all it takes. For example, if a smoker quits smoking and then decides to have one little sneaky cigorette, the chances are higher for the urges to smoke starting again. It doesn't mean it's impossible to carry on though - thats not at all what I'm saying. You're just starting over, which is fine, because this time you know you can go that amount of time because you already have done. This time you have to tell yourself that you're going to go that time period, then not cut again because you know what happens. I know this is easier said than done, so here is a list of alternatives that you can use to try and get you through the urges. Not all will work, but don't be put off! Keep trying, you're bound to find those that do.

Stay strong.
Hollie.

[jaii]

see a therapist, speak to somebody, do something about it. use a rubber band, or rub ice on the area you want to cut, find a distraction and the urge will pass e.g. have a nap, get a hobby, take a shower, drink a glass of cold water slowly or lay down and listen to music for a while!!!

[AlaaAbuali]

I know it's hard to lose someone, and each one of us deals with grief differently. Some express it in anger, and some in depression, and some in silence, some in shock, and some in denial. But in each case, there comes the point where you accept the fact that this person is gone, and you hope in your heart that he's in a better place with better people who take care of him. I am really sorry about your grandma, I know it must be really hard. But do not think that she's gone, but think of what she left behind, think of all the good memories and all the times you shared together, think that she'll want you to be happy and to be okay and definitely not to harm yourself in any way. Think how upset she'd be if she found out that you cut yourself, and I'm not sure if you're a believer or not, but some people believe that the people who are dead, can see us from above and they watch over us and they're still around us, so imagine if she can see you now, and see what you're doing, how would that make her feel? Don't you want to make her proud of you, and don't you want to ease her suffering. She's suffering now to see you do this to yourself.
I understand how everytime you tell yourself that it'll be the last time, and that you won't do it again, but then at that one moment, when you feel upset or angry, you just feel that sudden urge to do it and you can't stop yourself, but you want it to go away, you want the pain to go away, you want to feel better. But think of it this way, this feeling of relief is only momentarily, but what about after you do it? What about the pain you'll be in when you see what has become of you and how you're scarred and self mutilated? How are you going to feel about yourself then? Will you feel relief when you look at yourself in the mirror and you're all bruised and scarred? No you won't. So why live in pain and shame just because of one single moment of relief. You can feel relief in any other way, in any other way that lasts, the feeling would last for a long time, and you'd feel good about yourself.
I believe that you have emptiness and so much free time in your life, so you have a lot of time to think about unhappy thoughts and to think about your grandma and grieve and grieve and then grieve some more, but if you occupy yourself and your busy, you won't even have time to think, so you wouldn't have time to be upset, and without you noticing, overtime, you'll just move on and find that you've reached the point of accepting that she's gone. For every one of us who grieves, there comes a time when you'll say, ' I miss her, but I am not longer crippled by her loss'.
I suggest you find an activity to do, but not just any activity to take up your time, but try to do something you like to do, something you're interested in, so that the effort and time you put in that thing would be real, not fake, not just to waste time, therefore you'd enjoy it, and you'd feel happy about doing it. Try to think of things you enjoy doing, and I'm sure there is, and if you believe there isn't, then try taking up something new, sometimes there are things that would interest us, but we're not aware of it because we haven't even tried to do it, so take risks, and go out there, and try to do new things, and by doing new things, you'll meet new people, and make new friendships, and that's what you need, something to do and people around you, because if you have that, you'll have something or some people who mean so much to you, that you wouldn't want to cut because you wouldn't want to hurt them, or cause them pain, and also because you'd be happy with them, and you wouldn't find a reason to do that to yourself anymore.

But in the end, if you believe that you've completely given into cutting and you can't stop yourself at all, then I highly recommend you talk to someone, a doctor, and he'll be able to help you out.

Please reply back if you feel you need to discuss this further.

[TheCrowing]

When I think about my grandmother, who passed away 3 years ago.. I can understand how much the loss can hurt. Especially if you were close to her. Like, how it was the first without her there.. It's kind of like how every time I see that damn Winnie the Pooh movie commercial, I have a breakdown. Lol, because my grandmother LOVED Winnie the Pooh.
One thing leads to another, and eventually, you start relating that longing and the emotions linked to such a traumatic event with SH. But the thing that always catches me before I fall that way, is my grandmother. Even though she isn't physically with you, it doesn't mean that she can't be the inspiration to get better and free yourself from SH. Ask yourself how you think she would feel if she knew that you were doing that to yourself over her. Don't think of it as "she's gone" but more as "she is forever with me".

And with the slip up.. that's exactly what it is. You can rebound. This is your chance to show yourself that you are so strong. Two weeks is a great accomplishment. Show everyone that you are strong. Try to go 3 weeks. Try to go a month. Take it one day at a time.