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Too tired to give a fork.

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I Have No Coping Skills - October 5th 2011, 10:45 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I told my counselor about my cutting and now I can't cut anymore. Of course my mother searches my body for cuts, and even though she doesn't check anywhere my underwear hides, my counselor asks if I've cut recently and I don't want to lie. It's hard to keep track of the days it's been when I'm lying about it. She literally asked if I've CUT since the last time I've seen her, and I can honestly say no, I haven't, and it's been fourteen days of hell.
She's never asked me if I've burned myself or anything because I've only cut. Yesterday I was considering burning myself because I wouldn't be lying if I said I haven't cut. I learned how to use one of those long-tipped lighters (forget the regular ones, those are hard to use) and had the flame so close to my skin but I chickened out. Either way, it was such a thrill to have the lighter in my hand and I saw the flame and wanted to do it so bad, but I chickened out. That's how I am with it now. I don't know how I'll be if my feelings get worse or anything.
My school psychologist is sending home a letter to my parents suggesting therapy once more. I know that my father will be okay with it but my mom's the one who would have to take me and she doesn't seem to be. She's gonna be pissed when she gets the letter, not only at me, but at the school psychologist and guidance counselor. I'm preparing to be screamed at. How should I deal with my mother screaming at me when it gets here? =/
I have no coping skills whatsoever though. My mother took away the only thing that worked for me and left me with nothing. My father keeps on suggesting using a rubber band, but that doesn't work for me. I don't do it for the PAIN. Cutting never HURT me, I just bled out what I felt. I never cared about the scars and I kept the injuries clean. I've tried turning the hot water off in a shower and just keeping the cold on, but that hasn't done anything but make me hyperventilate. Drawing has always annoyed me, and I do write out what I feel. I can distract myself for a while and then it gets worse and I'll literally be squirming with the urge. I don't know what will actually work for me. -_-

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Re: I Have No Coping Skills - October 5th 2011, 11:01 PM

i have found that once i stopped trying to hide it, people stopped noticing. i'm sorry you have no coping skills, i cant really do anything to help that. maybe try talking it out with your mom. tell her that you REALLY need this and you don't want her to yell or freak out about it. you see, its the complete opposite with my parents, my dad freaked out, my mom tried to make me feel guilty about it.
have you tried anything other than the above mentioned? i don't know what else to say, sorry.

"Stop acting like you know what I've been through, you know nothing until you've actually lived every moment and felt every ounce of pain that I have."

"Someone asked me if i missed you, I just walked away then I whispered, so much" I'll miss you forever, Vernon and Charlene.

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