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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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BewilderedJane Offline
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Trust - October 15th 2011, 09:18 PM

I have been engaging in self harm for approximately three years. I began in the summer of 2008, and was discovered by a parent in February of 2010. I promised not to engage in the activity. I lied. I felt resentful that my parent would have forced me to give such a promise, when I felt that the Self-Harm was my one form of control, release, and catharsis.

Recently, I was contacted and pulled into a meeting with a school administrator, who told me that an individual had called my counselor with the suspicion that I had been self harming (namely cutting my forearms, using needles to create furrows in my hands) "last summer". Fearing that any type of deceit would be immediately recognized and my parents contacted, I confessed to to self-harming last year, but said that I no longer engaged in the practice (another lie).

I never advertised my self harm. Any evidence that people saw was unavoidable as I had very few long sleeved shirts in my wardrobe, and the excuse that I had simply fallen upon a mess of plywood soothed most inquirers as to the cut on my forearms. Anyone who found out, found out by accident. My closest friends don't know.

Needless to say I felt intensely violated. It was though as some alien creature had reached into my soul, found the chamber where I kept my most shameful secrets, and then gleefully shredded and aerated them like a child with confetti and a particularly morbid Mardi Gras.I had convinced them not to call my parents, telling them that if they did my Mother would become unnecessarily concerned, and I had no desire to worry her.

I threw away the counseling brochures they gave me. I went home and cried in the bathtub for nearly an hour. I've been crying a lot lately. I have no one to confide in. No adults I can trust to not tell my parents everything.

I feel a great deal of contempt for myself. I think the greatest insult I found in the news that someone had tattled was that they made me appear weak and (at least in my mind) jeopardized my future. The counselor they told holds my academic future in her hands. I need her recommendation in order to be considered truly desirable by any universities to which I apply, and I am afraid that she will submit a letter that is less than confident.

I have decided to not seek professional counseling until I have left my parent's house and the state, I have no desire to shame them in the face of our community.

At this point, I am trying to find a way to self medicate without harming myself, but I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do in the future if my boyfriend asks about the scars on my arms and wrists. I'm afraid of always being alone and unwanted.

But enough with the self pity. I need advice. Please help me.
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Philomath Offline
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Re: Trust - October 15th 2011, 10:45 PM


You aren't alone, I did the same thing and I understand how the resentment for lieing feels, I told my guardian that I wouldn't harm again and that I threw out my blades when in actuality, I didn't throw them out...well, I did, but I got more...
I think you could try writing how you feel in a journal when you want to cut, write down what makes you want to cut and you could also make a list of the negatives and positives of cutting and hopefully, the negatives will out way the positives and you can look at that list for reasons why you shouldn't cut.
You can try some of the alternatives on the Alternatives thread Some of them may help you out. If the ones you try first don't help, then you can try other ones on the list or create some alternatives of your own.
Also, if you want to talk to someone, you can contact a hotline in your country for confidential and 24/7 support and help.
I hope this has helped and if you ever need someone to talk to, you can PM me and I will reply as soon as I can.

"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
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Pensive14 Offline
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Re: Trust - October 16th 2011, 05:59 AM

I envy you. I envy that you've been caught. I think I've been self harming for seven years now, and people only the know the surface of my problem.

What the best thing might be is to sit down with your parents, and tell them directly what's been going on and how you feel TODAY. You might have been sparing them the truth, but the price is your own self destruction.
I believe what your parents really want is for you to be happy. While it might seem noble of you to carry your burden alone, it's disrespecting your family. And if you don't respect or care about your family, why should you bother hiding the truth and not helping yourself in the first place? Besides, what do you think will happen if someone catches you again?
Please, make the commitment today.
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