Not The Ouch! Kind

[LostInsideofMe]

Hey Everyone, and thanks for looking at my thread. :]

I'm just trying to get some background info on some stuff and I have no idea how to even phrase it so I'll tell you what's going on.

Ok, so I'm 17, been on my own for a long time. I have a slew of horrible events in my history. I don't have any family that want anything to do with me. Right now it's just my bf I'm living with, and I'm dependent on him for living. I'm thinking about just getting up and leaving, I'm mentally distancing him from myself and I feel helpless to stop it.

I've been known to do this before, just get up and leave everything and everyone. I've done it several times since I was 13.

I feel like it hurts me, and I do it on purpose as well as physical self-harm, to cut off from family and friends in a very drastic way. It leaves me alone and empty, and the pain I'm causing the ones that love me hurts me too. I still carry the guilt and pain from all the other times.

It's almost like an adrenaline-type rush to even think about disappearing, because I love him so much.

Help?

[Blair]

Britta, honey, I think it's really brave of you to open up and be honest about all this girl! I know how hard it can be to talk about such personal stuff but it's a huge step in the right direction. I'm not trying to ask you to disclose anything you're uncomfortable with, but you'd mentioned having some traumatic events in your past. In my experience my desire to sabatoge close/loving relationships often had a lot to do with some really repressed fear and insecurity that I'd learned from my abusive past. Sometimes running away, getting easily bored in relationships, being uncomfortable with commitment can be a defense mechanism. If deep down you're scared of getting hurt or abandoned or you don't really believe that you are loved or that you deserve the love you receive from people, you might try to wreck the relationship or just straight up ditch the person you're with. If any of that resonates with you, I'd suggest that you stick it out and if you aren't already, find someone who you can start to trust with talking about your past and the effect it's had on you.

[Iris. ♥]

Like Blair said, it's great that you're opening up about all of this. It shows that you recognize the issue and are ready to take steps to stop it! I definitely know how it feels to want to distance yourself from people -- I've been known to do it myself. Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? If there's a specific reason that you want to run, it's something the two of you should talk about. Maybe you'll be able to work through it together. As for the rest of the people you've distanced yourself from: do you have any way of contacting them? If you do, you might want to consider giving them a call or shooting them a Facebook message. Apologize for the way you hurt them and explain the reasons that you left. Honestly, the fact that you're reaching out to them will probably mean a lot to them.