Autistic Boyfriend

[BrokenHeart315]

Alright well I had a boyfriend a while ago who hurt me a lot I won't get into specifics right here and now about what he did, but he has autism and ADHD and that's all the information I have and I would like to know how that could affect someone's ability in a friendship or a relationship. Especially when you factor in things like sex. I'm just really curious what others would have to say about this.

[Nicole!]

Well I don't know too much about autism but I do know that it would cause complications. I know a girl with autism and it seems like she doesn't really realize what effects her actions cause. She doesn't seem to know when he hurts someones feelings or when shes annoying someone. Now I'm not saying they can't be loveable; this girl is very family oriented. But I do think it would take more work then with a non-autistic person. Communication would probably be a bit rocky, but with some hard work I think it could work out. Autistics are people too.

[Bibliophile]

Hey there,

People with Autism typically do have difficulty with communication. Now, some people with Autism will date and others won't, dating is an issue for some people with Autism. Because people with Autism have difficulty reading body language and social interaction it's generally difficult for them to know what to do at all, and whether to make the first move. There's actually an incredibly useful article on it here.

If you have any questions feel free to message me. (:
Marie.

[Nostalgia]

i have ADHD and as perges (a form of autisim) and due to this i find it hard to understand facial expressions, understand when someone is joking or being serious, i hate being touched, and can and do fiind it hard in social situations.

[Anonymous.]

I believe I made a thread similar to this a few years back... Marie basically covered the general aspect of this. If you want specific advice on how to deal with him, feel free to PM me. I've dated an autistic boyfriend before.

[DarkSeph]

Doesn't make a huge difference. Some autistic people will make the effort to at least learn what is acceptable behavior and what isn't. If someone is an ass, they're an ass, and if they're a genuinely nice person, then they're a nice person. There are nice autistic people and autistic people who are morons, just like any group in general.

Communication problems might amount to little things like shyness, not understanding jokes, not taking hints as easily and little quirks like not liking to be touched until they can trust. But everyone has their own individual personality positives and negatives.

Best thing to do is completely ignore the autistic label. Look at them as a person and judge them on their personality as a whole and who they are.

[BrokenHeart315]

I did ignore the autism factor, & it gave me a broken heart & the inability to process what happened after he cheated on me and left me in pain for months with nothing to go on.

[WillO'Wisp]

Dating someone who has autism or ADHD is something I would not do. Not because I hold anything against someone with an illness, but because of the illness sometimes they cannot control alot of the things they think and do, therefore making them unpredictable and making it impossible to be in a relationship with that person.
Sometimes there are treatments and medications you can give to the person.

[DarkSeph]

Originally Posted by BrokenHeart315

I did ignore the autism factor, & it gave me a broken heart & the inability to process what happened after he cheated on me and left me in pain for months with nothing to go on.

Then he cheated on you because he's a jerk. Autism doesn't excuse behaviour like that and a genuinely nice person with autism would have never done it. Unfortunately you just ended up with a guy who wasn't nice, which happens.

[DivingCheska]

ADHD has nothing to do with anything you said the effects of ADHD is not being able to pay attention for very long periods of time and you are more hyper than the normal person. A person with ADHD knows exactly what they are doing and how to control themselves. They are not unpredictable at all as far as relationships go. If some had adhd,bi-polar,and was autistic then its very unbredictable but asgd not all. And i should know I was diagnosed with it at the age of 4

[LittleMiss]

Originally Posted by SMILING*to*HIDE*the*TRUTH

ADHD has nothing to do with anything you said the effects of ADHD is not being able to pay attention for very long periods of time and you are more hyper than the normal person. A person with ADHD knows exactly what they are doing and how to control themselves.

One of the issues with severe ADHD is compulsions.
You just do/say things without thinking; I have a good friend who, when we were kids, would turn around and hit me for no reason. He had really severe ADHD and I do think it was an issue in his relationship with his ex-fiancée.
The explanation for the compulsive behaviour can be shown by the comparison between a normal thought process of Idea>Weighing up benefits of action>Weighing up consequences of action>Action but some ADHD sufferers skip the middle two sections and go straight to doing something because it's just how it is.

I was diagnosed with mild-moderate ADHD by my paediatrician when I was 8 but I trained myself to deal with compulsions with the help of acupuncture and a good doctor. It was something I had to do because I had no friends.

My ex-GP (now an acupuncturist) believed that I may have had aspergers syndrome (high-functioning autism) as he could see many similarities between my behaviour/personality and his son who has aspbergers.
But, if I do have aspergers, I overcame it because of the issues I had with making friends and relating to people. I trained myself to read people by observation and lots of stopping and thinking. Reading many, many novels (my escape) also really helped train me into thinking in other peoples shoes.
I have some reason to believe that I may have aspergers as I experience great frustration if I am interrupted in the middle of a task requiring focus and it makes me very upset and angry. For example, my mother asking me to go fetch something while I am practising cello will distress me greatly and in sitting down to resume practice, I will often find myself in a rage that leads to me throwing things, stomping around and then crying.
I also plan my day very carefully and if my routine is disrupted, I get frustrated. I am getting better at controlling my self though.

I believe that, at times, it does affect my relationship because of the understanding barrier and my tantrums.

The biggest barrier is understanding and in order to have a good relationship with someone with one of these conditions requires infinite patience and flexibility.
It does help to ask your partner what they are thinking but to also accept it if they can't explain. It takes a lot of sacrifice as one of the best ways to handle difficult situations is to let them have their own space and do what they want (as long as they aren't harming anyone or themselves).
You cannot force change onto an autistic person as they just become angry or withdrawn. They need a lot of very subtle, gentle coaxing but remember that with this, you are treading a very fine line and need to be prepared to back off at any moment.
You have to be alert all the time and be ready for sudden changes in mood or behaviour because they happen all the time.
One of the biggest things to remember is that if they are absorbed into a task, you either let them finish or very gently, in a very soft voice, get their attention and explain that they have to finish up. (like if it's dinnertime or something).
It can really help to have a good relationship with their parents/carers and have thorough discussions about what to do and what not to do because they know their child best and what may set them off. Everyone can be different.

When it comes to relationships, especially sex, you have to be accommodating but set strong boundaries. You may need to explain what is right and what is wrong to do. When they do something you don't like, you may have to tell them about it and why you don't like it because body language can be a real issue.
Some autistic people have trouble with what is appropriate to say and what isn't. Tact is often not a skill that has been developed well so you may find them telling you exactly what they think which can lead to upsets. Again, you may need to tell your boyfriend that when he says that you look fat in that dress, it's not very nice and it upsets you. There is a certain empathy quality; the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes that can be missing. They often don't think "If someone said that to me, would I be upset?"

Another major stressor with any sort of friendship or relationship with an autistic person is the tendency to lecture or talk about a subject too much and not let you speak. Autistics tend to like to research or study a particular subject or topic and if you get onto it, they can start talking and not stop for hours. It can be really hard to get a word in at all and the problem is that they sometimes can't tell if you're bored or don't like what they're saying.

A really good example that my mother gave me was that, if you told someone with severe Autism "Harry isn't tall, he's a giant!" they may get distressed as they are very literal and the statement contradicts itself if taken literally. Keeping this in mind can really help in conversation.

I suppose a good example of that is me, I've just gone on and on about something that interests me and you're probably bored because I've go on for so long.
So I think I'll use some discretion and stop talking now.