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Addictive Behaviours Discuss and receive support for addictions not related to substance use, such as gambling, Internet, sex or work addictions, in this forum.

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rage - April 1st 2011, 02:58 AM

I'm typically happy but lately...I'm angry...a LOT....all the time...anything gets me more and more angry..i don't get into fights..i don't yell at people..i don't even let it out that much most of the time but i'm always mad at my mom..she's not there for me when i want her to be or need her to be..but..i'm exhausted now..of the emotions..i wish i weren't so emotional..i wish i could just..stop...sleep...exercise some more....hang out with my friends as much as i used to...but mostly...sleep and feel less in shock..i think i'm actually in shock over something..i'm not sure what..i have some ideas...but...i'm...i'm angry and now i'm numb....i could feel the pain from the cold winds but i don't...i could feel the pain from my embarassing announcement in school yesterday but i don't..i can't...i'm too tired..i'm dead...i'm exhausted..and i don't want to feel it anymore..i just want...to stop staring longingly into space and wanting to cry but not being able to...i want to be genuinely happy and whole and eager..but now i feel almost distant from myself..when i speak i sound like it's not me speaking or that someone else is...when i sit reality feels like a dream...when i'm here..i...i questions everything..i'm on edge..i'm anxious but i'm angry...i'm tired..i don't know...and when i think about trying to fix myself..i don't want to...i don't think i like myself that much either..not because i consider myself a bad person..but..just because it's easier to surrender to myself and cave and be miserable..i don't want to have to get up every day and make myself happy...it's soo hard..and...i've already done that 023712357 times only for me to be miserable again...things gets ripped away from me or i move on...happiness doesn't last so i often wonder...why should i try to be happy? instead i try to make others happy..but then i give so much i feel used..it's...i'm insatiable....
   
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Re: rage - April 1st 2011, 07:59 AM

If the anger is directed mostly at one person or derived from one person, it's probably not an addiction. Anger and aggressiveness can be addictive, incredibly addictive actually, one of my research papers this year was about the neurobiological differences between violent psychopaths and "non-violent" normal people. However, although it can be addicting, it's not addicting for all.

Instead, there does seem to be emotional disturbances, possibly depression or a type of adjustment disorder. It's hard to say what it is, may be something else. How long has it been going on for?


I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
   
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Re: rage - April 8th 2011, 02:55 AM

Yeah....I keep bottling up my emotions and I very much don't think things with my family will get better...if possible I'd like to just cease any and all expectations I have of them...but I don't know that I can expect the unexpected around them...I mean..okay..so I should expect my mom will ask me how old I am on my birthday...okay..understood..should I really be able to anticipate my sister calling me for the first time in months telling me that she is hallucinating, has no health insurance, and has been hearing and seeing things for 7 months???? not really...how can i help myself not freak out when i'm constantly immersed in a psychotic family??? i wish i could just not react but i mean..that just makes me cold and heartless and reacting and getting her the da.mn health insurance so she can see a therapist and psychiatrist is good but now she's on medical leave living with me...so...i get to hang out with her and her emaciated body...it's great..how am i supposed to not be depressed?? it's hard for me to just be a jolly,old girl when i can't really trust that i've got control when family crises occur every five f.ucking seconds in my god da.mn f.ucking life..GOD DA.MN IT!! lol...sorry..cursing helps hehe
   
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Re: rage - April 13th 2011, 04:51 PM

I feel like I've been through something very similar. I'm not entirely over it, but I'll tell you it gets better gradually. It's not something that just "goes away" when you meet someone special either, although it helps a lot. I don't really know if it's just a "phase", it seems more than that.

And it is rage in fact. Most times you'l feel completely empty, but getting mad at something, falling in a rage makes you feel like you're alive and actually fighting for something, even if it's something completely trivial. And it is addicting... kind of like a drug I guess, it "wakes" you up. And then there is the anti-climax when you're totally exhausted afterwards.

What works or helps this feeling go away is just spending more time with normal people. You described your family and they sound completely disfunctional, sometimes you just need to take a break, go for a walk or something. Get away from it all. Ask yourself what you want to do with yourself, set yourself some goals and have a go at doing it.


"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.


   
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Re: rage - April 14th 2011, 01:50 AM

Thanks soooo soooo much guys!! It definitely is an addictive behavior and I guess what I want is to know what i can expect from certain family members when..I keep feeling betrayed by my parents or siblings or someone when this stuff happens because I almost feel like people are doing it on purpose or something and it's just the way people are acting to make me feel bad or inadequate or something but I know it's not..I'm taking it really really personally when I shouldn't..everyone has their own issues and more but I just wish I didn't have to carry so much of their burdens..I'm the youngest in my family and my Mom...she still can't do anything loving or emotional and if anything she'll frown upon it and even tell me I deserve things that I have endured that are horrible...I don't know..my friend once told me she's just waiting for me to just flat out stop talking to my family and I'm like...THEY HAVE TO PAY FOR ME!! THEY HAVE TO GIVE ME SHELTER!! AND THEY HAVE TO PU TME IN COLLEGE!! I NEED THEM SO WHY WOULD I CUT THEM OFF AND WHERE THE HE.LL WOULD I GO IF I DIDN'T HAVE THEM??!! AND....WHY WOULD I LEAVE MY SIBLINGS BEHIND WHEN THEY NEED ME MORE THAN I NEED MYSELF...I DON'T GIVE A DA.MN IF I'M HATING THIS...MY SIBLINGS ARE SUICIDAL, HALLUCINATING, AND NEED NEED NEED HELP AND IF THEY CRY TO ME ABOUT THEIR HALLUCINATIONS THEN I WILL ANSWER AND CRY ABOUT IT LATER TO FRIENDS BUT IN THAT MOMENT I WILL BE THEIR THERAPIST, GET THEM HEALTH INSURANCE AND HAVE THEM TAKE MEDICAL LEAVE FROM COLLEGE TO EXCEL AND GET THROUGH THIS!! I'm....I'm exhausted but if I ever abandon them...I'm disgusting...I can't live with that!! WHO WOULD??!! I'm sorry but it's like leaving a victim of rape and sexual abuse with a pedofile!!! I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT ABANDON MY SIBNLINGS!! SC.REW MY PARENTS!! MY DAD IS AWESOME BUT MY MOM CAN GO BURN IN HE.LL FOR ALL I CARE.....Children are not your slaves or your trophies or even your channels for neglect and vicious mind-f.ucking games!! Ugh!! Whatever..but yeah I mean I see a therapist once a week and my friends I hang out with once a month but mostly at lunch since I do tennis after school and I have a job..But my sister...now that she lives with me she needs me beside her every second and I lie and say I've done my homework when I haven't and I say that she'll get better because that's what I hope and am supposed to say but I don't know...??? and I mean..it's just hard to figure it all out...I..I'm 18 but I guess being an adult is a whole lot more than just being a certain age....I feel like this is a huge advantage for me though..I feel like I suffer from anxiety, depression, and depersonalization disorder but I know that no matter how insecure I am that I'm hurting someone else or I haven't been grateful enough to someone else or I'm not doing enough for someone else I always know THERE IS NO CHALLENGE I CAN NOT OVERCOME and that no matter how many times I am suicidal I am never going to actually plan my death or go towards any action that leads to my death...
Thanks so fricking much BDF!!! This was really really nice and I'm just glad to know that complete strangers are thinking of me!! It's the sweetest thing ever!! It's like I can feel the support and hope already even if it's hard to see the light where I am now...
God Bless You and even if you don't believe in God then Benevolent Wishes!
   
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Re: rage - April 14th 2011, 11:23 AM

Thanks. Always feels good to know I helped someone or made them feel better. PM me if you feel like talking about anything else.




"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.


   
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