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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ethan_j Offline
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I'm sick of getting nowhere - April 29th 2018, 08:59 AM

For the last couple of years I've been on a little journey to try and improve and drastically change the way I am, 'cause if we're being honest, the way I currently am just won't cut it with people or society. I can't socialise and trying to motivate myself is like beating a dead horse. Because of this, I spend most of my days off inside and I hate it, I hate being sedentary. It's pretty shitty to think that I'm somehow just exempt from the joys of life (e.g. relationships, parties, genuine friends etc.), just because I'm anxious over everything and can't put myself out there. I'm not typing this because I have some crippling mental illness, but I'm just so damn sick of not progressing through all of this shit like everyone else is. All I hear from school is how much people achieve, how everyone has interests and passions that make them unique and special. That's just it isn't it, I see so many passionate people around me who are gonna live fruitful lives while I'm still stuck here in my bed with my finger up my ass. That thought in particular makes me physically ill. But I know that if I want to progress I'm gonna need to keep my long-term goals in mind so I know where I'm going. So here's a list:

1. Social: Increase my circle of friends and be willing to go out for social events more often. From what I'm seeing now, I'm not cultured enough to hold a conversation with someone, so that shit needs an overhaul. I want to become an extrovert essentially.

2. Direction: To have a career in mind that I am passionate about and will fulfil me in later life. I also want to have side hustles that do the same.

3. Mental Health: "Good mental health is more than just the absence of mental illness". Bearing that in mind, my mental goals are not to be happy every moment of every day, but to cope effectively with the hardships and negatives of life

4. Academics: 95.00 ATAR

5. Motivation and Energy: I understand that motivation issues are in all of us, but all I want is to be able to self-motivate myself to do things that seem like climbing Everest. I want to be able to wake up this dead horse that I've been trying to beat for so long

6. Health: To achieve good cardio, good diet and lean physique

As much as I think my life's a drag, that pales in comparison to reading this tedious essay, so if anyone is willing to read through this and post a response, I would greatly appreciate it.
   
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Skyline Offline
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Re: I'm sick of getting nowhere - April 29th 2018, 10:32 AM

Hey there ! I hear your frustrations, but first off it seems to me like you're scolding yourself for this too much.

You mention the fact that the way you currently are "just won't cut it", that you're "not cultured" enough, and that you want to "become an extrovert".
It seems to me like you may be neglecting the good qualities you already have in you and that you see yourself as being all-round defective. In order to better yourself, I believe that the starting point has to be ACCEPTING who you are right now, which means recognising your flaws and qualities and forgiving yourself for not being your "ideal self".
I know it's cheesy and we hear it all the time, but basically what I'm saying is to LOVE YOURSELF as you are right now, even if you aren't perfect. That doesn't mean being narcissistic or thinking you're the best, it just means showing yourself respect and compassion whilst recognising your flaws.

here's an example of how I do this, based on my own flaws and qualities: I have a very unhealthy diet unlike the rest of my family, and I regularly eat trash food, even when I KNOW it will cause me discomfort. I definitely have a problem with sugar; I can eat several packets of sweets in a week, and I find it hard to stop until I've finished the packet. I have problems with motivation, I don't think i've EVER finished a project of mine, even if I felt really excited by it. I have been unfaithful and am struggling with that right now. I am pretty uncultured and often find it hard to understand references in a conversation, which causes me to feel isolated and stupid. I perceive these to be some of by biggest flaws and they are things that I often judge myself for, and whilst they are things that I should / want to change about myself, I first accept that they are part of me right now and I feel compassion for myself and respect myself despite them.
I also recognise that I have many good qualities: I love talking about philosophical subjects, even though I lose the motivation to follow through with projects I DO have many many ideas, I am good at being objective with people and am pretty accepting and encouraging, I am quite considerate with others and do my best not to make someone unnecessarily uncomfortable, I am creative. I acknowledge these qualities in me and appreciate them.

I feel like going through this process is important and leads to a more genuine, healthy self-improvement. It also makes you see the flipside of your perceived negative traits and makes you think more deeply about what it is you want to improve in yourself.
Whilst saying this I'm mainly thinking about the fact you want to become an extrovert, as if being an introvert is a bad thing. I consider myself to be an introvert and although for a while I also wanted to change, I'm realising more and more that what makes more sense to me is to surround myself with people who understand and even appreciate this aspect of me, rather than to change myself.

Another thing -- you say that you have made no progress, but to my eyes this doesn't seem to be the case. First of all, I think that making these sorts of changes takes time for most people. I had a list of certains things I wanted to become four years ago, and four years later I have maybe become these things by 5 or 10%. It's not much, but I'm already very grateful for the ways in which I've changed. Second of all, the fact that you are AWARE of these desires of yours to change and the fact that you have made a list of goals you want to achieve is a BIG step which you should give yourself credit for !

I'm not saying that your issues shouldn't be issues or that you shouldn't aim to change, I just think that you shouldn't be too harsh on yourself or you'll cause yourself more pain than anything else.

Here are some links to some videos I think could help you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERhTJaPaoxU&t=3s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SX3C3GnvKVI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kfUE41-JFw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8HoDPgZcak

(if I think of anything else I could post it too, if you'd like)


best of luck!

Skye x


"You shall love your crooked neighbour / with your crooked heart."

Last edited by Skyline; April 29th 2018 at 11:15 AM.
   
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ethan_j Offline
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Re: I'm sick of getting nowhere - April 29th 2018, 01:09 PM

Thanks a lot for your advice. I appreciate you taking the time to post a lengthy response. It's good to hear that you have become more content with yourself, as you seem to have been in similar situations to myself. With my social flaws, I think that it has the potential to negatively affect me in the real world as it could limit job prospects that involve networking or customer service. As a 16 year old kid if I continue to practice the introverted habits of staying indoors and not going out with friends, I feel that I will waste away my precious teenage years, which could result in huge feelings of regret. If I don't put myself out there, then I won't experience life to its fullest.

I don't seem to notice the majority of the time when I'm scolding myself. It is very much a subconscious thing. You're on to me there. I think the reason I do it is because if I don't then I will become less disciplined. If I start to accept who I am now, I feel like I will start to regress further than before. I guess it's just about balance.

I've tried many things to try and remedy my situation like affirmations, herbal remedies, progress goals, writing down strategies, meditation, exercising etc. but I can't seem to consistently do it. I'm very lost on what to do to work towards achieving these goals. I hope I sound a little less bitter than I was before, I can get frustrated. I hope you find as much success as I hope to one day.

All the best!

Ethan
   
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