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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Join Date: May 7th 2012

Old wounds resurface, past abuse scarring - December 11th 2013, 05:44 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

At the age of 14 I was sexually, emotionally an mentally abused by a 22 year old male . I won't name him because we'll he and I never met. I was sexually exploited over the Internet. He told me all the right things to make me trust him, I thought e actually loved me. He told me he'd wait for me but he never showed me who he was. He begged for nudes and neglected me when I didn't give them to him, I resorted to sexting and listening to him go on and on about perverted topics just to feel like I was getting his affection, thy I was receiving his approval. One day he just stopped talking to me and then, nt knowing any other way to get guys, I went on to various websites tryin to meet noter guy like him but I only met people even more perverted than him. They sent me pictures of their penises, their asses, I was even sent pictures of boobs and vaginas and I didn't know how to make it stop. I was sweetly depressed at the time and the little recognition I received from this exploitation booste my diminishing self esteem. I sometimes still see flashes of those images, hear those voice recordsongs, replay the videos iaall in my mind and I cry because I feel dirty and slutty and my family and friends do not know about any of this. I told my first real boyfriend and he promised me that e will always be there for me, he didn't know how bad it's been for me, how broken I was inside. The miracle he'd accomplished by fixing me <3 sometimes I stillfeel the cold hand of my a users on my neck, holding me down and forcing me o do their budding and I shake and tremble in fear

Happily in Love <3
- depression and suicide victim
- broken heart victim
- abuse victim
- harassment victim
Survivor through it all -> what doesn't kill you makes you stronger #toallthosewhotooktheirlivesyouwerentweakbuttoostr ong
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
survivor. :)
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Re: Old wounds resurface, past abuse scarring - December 16th 2013, 01:17 PM

Hey there,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through, it's awful, and you are not slutty or dirty. You were taken advantage of and like you said, you were exploited. I'm not quite sure what you are wanting people to say- are you just looking for a place to talk? Because that's totally cool and this is the right place. Opening up to people can be the hardest thing but once you've done it once, it gets easier- I've learnt from experience.

You said your boyfriend is supporting you- that's so good to hear is there anyone else you think you could talk to about this? Maybe a teacher, college tutor, doctor? It might be useful to get some professional support with this. If it's easier, you could always print out this thread and show them, that way you don't have to say it straight away...whoever you give it to will be okay with that.

There's lots of people you can talk to about it on here as well, if that's what you would like- just shoot someone a message- you can get through this.

Look after yourself x

You have to have the negative things in life
to be able to appreciate the positives.
TG 05/04/2013
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Re: Old wounds resurface, past abuse scarring - December 17th 2013, 10:03 PM

Do you still feel a lack of self esteem? How has it impacted your current relationship? I suspect the first guy you talked to realized he was doing something wrong and decided to cut off communication without an explanation.
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Re: Old wounds resurface, past abuse scarring - December 18th 2013, 09:13 AM

I'm really sorry about what you had to go through, if you feel slutty and you know you still face yourself every morning and face the world every morning. I'd say you're more than strong, life's full of bumps and ups and downs, highs and lows, I think every morning when you wake up, don't think about how slutty you are because you are not, just think about the fact that you have the guts to get up and go on with another day which just proves that you're dealing with it one day at a time, no?
Don't make yourself feel bad or anything, all of us make mistakes but you know what matters more? if you're strong enough to face them and deal with them.
And that's exactly what you're doing. Sure you'll face some difficulties on the way but in the end it's worth it.
And it's good to know your boyfriend is being soo supportive, which proves you're not alone and you never will be.

If you ever need to talk or just rant, leave me a message. I'll get back at you!<3
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Re: Old wounds resurface, past abuse scarring - December 19th 2013, 05:23 AM

Thank you guys for your support, advice and concern. It has affected my relationships and I fin myself not being able to trust another's feelings without constant demonstrations of affection and constant attention from my significant other (which can be problematic when my boyfriend goes to a different school than me). I am troubled my nightmares and daymares too where a cold set of hands squeeze my neck harder an harder until I submit to the hands' will. I have the man's Facebook profile an the profile of the man he pretended to be bookmarked because sometimes, for a weird reason I can't explain, I feel compelled to look at the pictures and disillusion myself from the dream he promised me. I am recovering and hope to one day be free of this demon and I don't think I will reveal this to any adult until I am 18, I fear reprimandment from my parents (they don't approve of online communications with strangers). I was planning on taking this to my grave but I couldn't hold it in anymore. My story had to be told only if few would listen. Thank you for givinge your time and putting me in our thoughts and wishes.

Happily in Love <3
- depression and suicide victim
- broken heart victim
- abuse victim
- harassment victim
Survivor through it all -> what doesn't kill you makes you stronger #toallthosewhotooktheirlivesyouwerentweakbuttoostr ong
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Re: Old wounds resurface, past abuse scarring - December 27th 2013, 10:45 AM

I'm so sorry that you went through this. I can really relate to this - I went through something similar. It isn't your fault. You didn't know what his intentions were, and you aren't doing it anymore. You aren't a "slut" or a terrible person because of what was done to you. He was the adult - he should've known better. Again, I'm so, so sorry that you went through this.
Have you told your boyfriend about the extent of the abuse? All the nitty gritty details that you never want to think about again? As awful as it sounds, when I did that with my girlfriend, it lifted the weight off of my shoulders. Try that with your boyfriend, since he seems supportive of you.
Second, do not go on his profile. For me, it was a sick sense of caring about him. I felt the need to "check up" and see what he was up to at the given moment. Delete it from your bookmarks. Delete it from everything. Never go back to visit it again. If it helps to think about it this way, seeking him out is only hurting yourself and the man that did this to you. I completely understand the urge to talk to him, but it isn't going to help. It isn't going to give you closure. It's just going to make you feel worse, and I think you know that. Every time you get the urge to look at his profile, tell your boyfriend or somebody that you love. Ask them to distract you or talk you out of it - whichever works best for you. You could also try the alternatives thread.
Lastly, I think seeking out the help of a counselor or therapist would be beneficial. I understand the urge to not tell anybody until your parents have zero chance of finding out, and if that's the safest option for you, that's the best option. Venting here and to the people that do know is something that may help until the time comes that you can safely get the help of a professional.
I think moving on from this experience is what will help you in the long run, and I hope my response helps at least a little bit.
You are free to PM/VM me (linked in my signature) if you ever want to talk. Stay strong.

1/7/12 - Live Help Operator | 1/25/14 - HelpLINK Mentor | 6/8/14 - Depression and Suicide Forum Moderator | 6/8/14 - Addictive Behaviors Forum Moderator | 1/11/14 - Videos Team Member | 4/11/15 - Senior Live Help Operator

I will be generous with my love today. I will sprinkle compliments and uplifting words everywhere I go. I will do this knowing that my words are like seeds and when they fall on fertile soil, a reflection of those seeds will grow into something greater.


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