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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Oh, Bother Offline
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Sperm donor drama - September 29th 2018, 08:22 AM

So I was talking to my Therapist yesterday about how my sister is in contact with Ron(father) and how I have said from the beginning I do not want to hear about him or anything. Well I still hear about him all the time and I was telling her that I gave up on not hearing about him because I hear about him all the damn time because my mom and sister can't censor themselves around me or when they are in my home I also said it's fine since I should totally be over it by now. Sine it happened when I was around 5 years old. My therapist told me that I will probably never get over it, and that since I have never talked about it I still have a lot to deal with. I told her that I can't talk about it because I do not remember the sexual abuse, or physical abuse(if there was any to me, I know there was to my sister) but I do remember the neglect at times. Anyways she was saying that even though I don't remember that just his name and stuff brings up feelings and bad things. Part of me still feels like I should be over this.

I also told her the fact that he asked my mom about my diagnoses and said that he knows I told my half sister not to show him or her mom anything about me and that he respects that and doesn't want to get her or Meghan in trouble so he asked her. Well she told him what they were. And it is none of his damn business. My mom even asked my grandma if she should tell him and my grandma said it was none of his business but then my mom said I already told him. This just pisses me off a lot of my diagnoses are actually because of him and my mother.

Another thing that pisses me off is that Meghan will hold him over my moms and Nanny's head and say stuff like "if you aren't nice I'll go live with my dad" and they will say go. I understand why they say go...But when Meghan pisses my mom off or frustrates her my mom will say "I'm done, go live with your dad" She says it all the damn time now. I just wish she would stop. If she really does go live with him, I will have to cut all ties with her and I really don't want to. I still have no clue if it is okay for me to feel this way or not.


Anyways next week Nanny and Poppy are going to be going on a cruise, so Meghan and mom will be spending 13 days at my house. Meghan video chats Ron twice everyday and I told my therapist that and she said she was sorry and I shouldn't have to deal with this. Anyways I toldNanny that my sister will NOT be able to talk to him when she is staying at my house, because I DO NOT want to hear his voice or see him, and my grandma just said oh she can do it in the morning...Since I will be asleep. But I feel like that is pushing how I feel aside. Don't I have the right to tell her she can't talk to him at all? Because knowing her she will try and find a way like going into the bathroom, going in the backyard. I just feel like since this is my house and she is just there for two weeks I have a right to say no to this, I think it also will make me feel safer if she didn't talk to him so he doesn't know she is at my house(since he has that address...because of the courts before I was 18)

I also feel like Nanny may think that I make all of this a bigger deal then I should. And that's another reason I think I should be over this and fine by now.

I mean hell it's been 12 years. His name, voice, picture, and talk about him shouldn't bother me anymore.

Anyways I am sorry this is so long, I am also sorry for bitching about this when I know people have had it way worse then me and this probably shouldn't still be bugging me. I also don't know why I posted this.



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Re: Sperm donor drama - September 29th 2018, 12:54 PM

You have nothing to apologise for and it's okay if you don't really know why you posted this- I'm glad that you did and hoped it helped a bit.

When it comes to trauma and abuse, it's different for everyone. It can't be compared and everyone has separate journeys of processing, healing and recovering. There is no time limit, so even though things happened when you were 5, it doesn't mean that you 'should' be over them.

It also seems harder for you because you don't remember much of what happened when you were 5, so I understand not knowing what to talk about. Different therapists approach trauma differently- some believe that you have to talk about trauma to recover, while others don't believe this. Though it's good to talk in general, so if you haven't already, you might want to talk with your therapist about your thoughts and feelings when you hear or see him, even if you don't go into detail about the past.

You have every right to feel angry about the fact your mom told him about your diagnosis, especially when you made it clear you didn't want him knowing. More so since he caused the trauma that lead to your diagnosis.

There seems to be some unhealthy relationships between Meghan and your mom, Nanny and him. It seems like if Meghan is upset she uses the threat of living with him to perhaps get what she wants out of a situation. Whereas when your mom is upset with Meghan, she tells her to live with him instead. I'm sorry that you feel a bit caught in the middle of this since this issue is to do with Meghan and her relationship with mom. If she ever did live with him, maybe you don't have to cut ties with he completely? Of course, it will be upsetting not having her around and knowing that she is with him, but if that ever happened, maybe you could make arrangements such as meeting up with just Meghan and no other family, and making sure she doesn't talk to you about him? It is understandable for you to be feeling this way as it seems like this situation causes a lot of stress.

It's also understandable that you wouldn't want to hear him when Meghan video chats, more so if they are staying over, and you have every right to feel safe. If you did stop Meghan from video chatting, it sounds like she may try to find a way around that, which would cause tension between you two. How would you feel if you made it clear that you didn't want her to video or talk to him while she is staying at your place and while you are around....but perhaps if she was in a public space, without you, she could talk to him? If that's not an option then you'll have to make it clear to her that you don't want her talking to him while she is staying with you and ask that she respects that. You might also have to think about how you'll deal with the situation if you do find that she is talking to him.

Sometimes it's difficult for people to understand what going through trauma is like and how triggers and things can affect us, even years later. Especially when it comes to abusive family members, it can split divides in the family and minimising can be common. Ideally, Nanny shouldn't feel like you are making a big deal of things, but if she does, remember that it's just her opinion and she doesn't know exactly how things make you feel.

Time isn't a good way of measuring recovery. The passing of time doesn't mean that you 'should' be over things at all. There is no 'should' or 'shouldn't when it comes to recovering from trauma. Maybe you can work with your therapist on lessening the effect the triggers have you? This might be helpful rather than thinking things shouldn't bother you or that you should be over what happened. Try to be gentle on yourself


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Re: Sperm donor drama - September 29th 2018, 09:25 PM

I've noticed you repeated several times in various ways that you should be over this by now and stuff, but that's not how trauma works, especially if it was sustained over a long period of time or never dealt with. Even if you deal with it, you might not have such overwhelming feelings about it and you might be able to look at it differently, but I can't imagine anyone would ever suddenly be ok with the fact that they were abused, especially not by someone who was supposed to take care of them like a father. So, no, you shouldn't be over this by now. There is no right and wrong way to feel in these sorts of situations, and if this traumatic experience is still present in your life (e.g. as emotional trauma) then that's fine. It's ok and it might be helpful to find some way to be ok with what happened so that you can start processing it.

As for your family, I guess if your mom and sister insist on having a relationship with your father, there's only so much you can do about that, and it's too bad that you have to hear about a person who is a trigger / source of trauma for you. That's why I think it is important to accept that you need to find a way to deal with what happened. They seem to know how you feel about it (e.g. they're not likely to invite him over for dinner, they try to respect your wishes regarding not telling him about you, besides that incident where your mom told him about your diagnosis) and they're choosing to have a relationship any how ,you can't control them, but you can learn to control your response to it and keep yourself safe, emotionally and physically.
   
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