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I'm Scared - August 8th 2009, 09:52 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Alright. So, when I was 5 my step sister and father raped me. I've already posted about that and I've been dealing with it. Doing pretty well.


About 3 weeks ago, an old ex came over. Now, this was stupid on my part. The week previously he had tried to force me to do stuff with him. But then that week the guy I love broke my heart and i was feeling lonely and hurt so I invited my ex over.

He succeeded this time. He didn't try, he did.

And, it bothers me. But...that's not really the thing that is making me hate myself. I mean, I kind of knew it might happen. Maybe I wanted it to happen? :/ I dunno. I didn't like it. I hated it. I feel gross.

But. Whenever I cyber with anyone...and I've been cybering like crazy since it happened...I ask them if they want me to pretend to be a little girl, or if they want to "rape" me. :/

What the fuck is wrong with me? I mean, it's fun when we're doing it (sometimes), but as soon as I'm done. I get sick to my stomach and flashbacks of what happened with my ex and my dad and I throw up.

But I keep doing it. I don't know what I expect from posting this. I don't want sympathy. I'm sick of sympathy. "Oh Im so sorry. This is so wrong"

Yes, it is. I know you're sorry. My dad was in total wrong, but wht my ex did was too, except I knew it could happen so it's my own fault anyways.

Maybe I am truly just fucked up in the head.
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ladyninetyfour Offline
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Re: I'm Scared - August 8th 2009, 10:05 PM

Oh sweetie, don't think that you are fxcked up in the head.
I got abused by guys since I was eight, five different guys over the years.
And now 'I like it rough' i let guys tie me up and pin me down and hurt me, and afterwards I always feel so sick with flashbacks, and self disgust. But at the time, i like it.
I think we do it because its the kind of attention we are used to...
You're not fxcked up.
I'm sorry those things happened to you, even though you say you don't want sympathy. They were awful things, and I believe earlier I read your thread about what happened.
Don't hate yourself. Maybe you should try some form of therapy? To try and get over the things that have happened, your dad, your step sister, your ex?
Hang in there and PM me anytime
Take care
xoxox Bex xoxox

Where there's love, there's hope
You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox

Last SH: 03/08/09

Last edited by ladyninetyfour; August 8th 2009 at 10:07 PM. Reason: Missed a word
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Re: I'm Scared - August 9th 2009, 05:08 AM

Hey Mystery, You are not F8cked up.

I think you should just try some therapy, Doing that will prolbey help you
A LOT. Just make sure you have the right counceler though Kay?

Remember,, Its Probley affected you because it happened to you at such a young age and triggers you. Dont be ashamed of it though. Its NOT YOUR FAULT!

What you should probley do is think of other things
that cant take your mind off of doing that. Like, hobbies, Hanging out with friends,
getting out side, riding your bike around town, park, ect.

Watching movies, things that make you feel happy.

Its also quite understandable if you did wanted him *to suceed*
because your boyfriend broke your heart!
its normal.

just dont worry about it. check into therapy.
and do good to yourself! we all make mistakes. Ive made MANY MISTAKES IN MY LIFE. were human, were normal, its normal. Am i right?

email me whenever you want!
take care!
and good luck!
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