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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
landy Offline
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not sure. - November 25th 2009, 08:27 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

im probably a bit to old to post forums and threads in a teen site. however since what happened to me was during my teenage years...i feel as though i havent grown since than.

In high school i craved attention. I got alot of attention by being the party crazy chick. Well i used to drink during school...kept vodka in my locker and took a swig in between classes. I figured one day id drink the rest of the bottle which was a little less than half the bottle. i had a rough morning.

i was gone by the time i sat in my seat for class. my face felt hot, my hands started feeling clammy. i couldnt talk louder than a whisper fearing i would vomit all over my desk. i whispered to my closest friend stating i was going to vomit and need to go if she could tell the teacher im not feeling well...i raised my hand to give it my best effort to excuse myself.

i didnt make it past the door before i vomitted. i walked down the empty halls and walked past a guy who just left the boys bathroom, as i enterted the girls because i needed to vomit and didnt want to face the school nurse. as i'm hovering over the toilet i felt hands on my sides and i looked back and it was the guy. he held my hair and i had thought he was going to help me. i blacked out. the next thing i knew when i opened my eyes again was that my pants were down and i was still bent over the toilet. the guy was taking advantage and had finished his business and left me there. i went to the nurse and still couldnt talk. my mother came and picked me up and ive never spoken of it since than. its been 5 years and i cant be intimate with my fiance without gagging... i cant feel the feelings he does without tears in my eyes. i feel like i can smell the vomitt and vodka and i feel ashamed and not worthy of any satisfaction during those intimate times.

Maybe some tips on how to maybe bring it up to my family and fiance...

Last edited by Emily.; November 26th 2009 at 06:28 AM. Reason: added triggering prefix
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Re: not sure. - November 25th 2009, 11:14 PM

Hey there,

First of all, welcome to TeenHelp. You are more than welcome to post here; while the site has "teen" in the name, it is not exclusively for teenagers. We have many older members here, and we cherish and care about them just as much as our younger members. Please, don't feel out of place. We're happy to have you here.

What happened to you was terrible, and I am so sorry you had to go through that. You have no reason to be ashamed; this was not AT ALL your fault. You were sick, intoxicated, and he took advantage of you. That was wrong. He is to blame; it's his fault, all his fault. You are merely a victim here...and I want you to know that you should be proud, because you are so incredibly strong to have gotten through this.

Communication is important in any relationship. I think that it is so important that you talk to your fiance about what happened to you; it will strengthen your relationship, as well as give you the support that you need. I know that this will be so difficult to bring up, but you're tough, I know you can do it. If you must, write him a letter or something of that sort; that may make it easier for you to communicate exactly what happened to you.

It may take time for you to be able to be intimate; that's okay. I'm sure your fiance will completely understand. Try to realize that you need to take some time to heal, that this isn't something you can just "get over". However, I think it will help a lot to just know that your fiance realizes what you have been through. Make sure he understands, though, that being physical is painful for you right now, and that you need some time to heal. He may not make that connection at first; be sure that you are as clear as possible.

As far as your family, I think that it would be helpful if you told them one at a time, instead of telling several at once. I know it may be painful to have to repeat the story, but it could be a lot more frightening to try and tell more than one person at a time.

Take care. If you ever need to talk about anything, feel free to contact me.


[/url]
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in a long time,
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but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

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Re: not sure. - November 25th 2009, 11:57 PM

i appreciate your reply. i believe you are right about telling one person at a time. i believe the hardest person will be my mother and yet i think she will the last to know. i dont want to disappoint her by not letting her know sooner. i feel bad for letting him get away with it. i've seen him in the halls and i had to change schools. i felt like my appearance and reputation was more important than telling anyone what had happened. i dont know if hes done it to anyone else and i feel like i live everyday not knowing if he has before or after me. i struggle to believe that there is any good in me...lifes been hard and i cannot imagine the hurt i might have caused someone by not saying something sooner. i believe i will have the courage to tell my fiance i just dont want to tell him on the holiday. Im more terrified that he might not understand and put our wedding aside. theres just so much im afraid of that i feel like a child inside of a older womans body.
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Re: not sure. - November 27th 2009, 04:25 AM

Ok... I can't tell anyone. It's hard the words can't come out... My hand cannot begin to write... Maybe it's a sign? My nerves are getting the best of me I suppose but my fear is their reaction... What am I really expecting? I'm starting to begin to feel dirty again... I'm angry and scared I'm doubting if it's even worth it. Why do I want to tell them. Won't it just hurt them? I think I'm only able to tell the forum. Why? I feel like I'm lying to my fiancé if I don't tell him. I feel like I'm not fair and that maybe he won't want to know.
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Re: not sure. - November 28th 2009, 02:17 AM

Hey Landy. I know how hard it is to be able to tell the people in your life what you've been through and it's okay to be scared. Talking can be a scary thing, but it's also very helpful. I'm betting your fiance would want to know so he could be there for you. He may feel sad or angry about what has happened, but only because he loves you and hates that you have been hurt.

If you don't feel like you can tell your whole family or other people yet, than just start with the person you trust most. That first step is the hardest one. If you're having trouble writing or saying what happened, you could just print off your post and show it to him. That would open up the conversation and help explain how you're feeling right now.

Another thing I'm going to suggest is trying counseling. It can really help you to talk about what has happened with someone who's trained to help you work through it. You don't have to try and manage all the feelings alone.

And Landy, you are not dirty at all. What happened was in no way your fault and I hope you know that.

Please keep yourself safe and you can PM me any time.
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but just being right where you are, who you are"

   
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Re: not sure. - November 30th 2009, 06:34 PM

So...i told my fiance. granted i wasnt sober...neither was he. but he rejected what i told him. he said he didnt want to discuss it...but the next day when he was sober and so was i...he still didnt want to discuss it., Than he found out about teen help and was asking what forum i was in...i didnt want to tell him because like i said before im a girl who has it together now...i dont want to look a certain way to him but im trying to get out of that. i've always been pictured as perfect before and now i feel the total opposite and not because i dont know that im not perfect...cuz i know im not...but because everyone is going to see me as not perfect any more kinda scarey. anyway i finally said teenhelp and he was upset..not about the site but because i was hesitant about letting him know...that alone opened up so much feelings that i cried uncontrollably. he came in the room i went to and was asking what was wrong with me...that there was something wrong with me and that i need help...and the whole time i was upset because im independent and perfect ha ha...and he didnt even bother to listen to what i was upset about and automatically said i needed help. maybe there is something wrong but he doesnt want to "discuss" it. i dont know what to do. is my past jeapordizing my relationship?
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Re: not sure. - December 1st 2009, 08:06 PM

Landy,

I guess the best thing I can think to tell you, is that your past is part of who you are. What you have gone through makes you the person you are today, but it doesn't have to define who you will be or what your relationships are like. While it may cause some obstacles, I don't think it's anything that two people who truly love each other can't overcome.

As for how your fiance reacted, I'm sorry. I know how disappointing it is to open up and be let down like that. He may just need some time for what you told him to sink in. It's hard finding out the person you love most in the world was hurt that way. Hopefully he will come around and try to be there for you more.

Don't be afraid to bring it up again though. Maybe write him a letter telling him how his reaction made you feel and that you would just like for him to listen and support you. This way you can get everything you need to tell him out and he can't just ignore what you're saying.

I also think his suggestion that you talk with someone is a good one. While it's wonderful to have the support of someone like your fiance, he isn't a professional and really doesn't have the knowledge to help you work past this. I think the fact that he wants you to get help and not just sweep this all under the rug is a good thing.

The last thing I want to say, is that you don't have to be perfect. There is no such thing as perfect and anyone who expects you to be so, is unrealistic. It's okay to ask for help and to struggle sometimes. Part of what makes us human is that we do all have problems and struggles to deal with. Just don't be afraid to show people what's going on inside. You don't have to be okay all the time.

<3 Emily


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but just being right where you are, who you are"


Last edited by Emily.; December 1st 2009 at 08:13 PM.
   
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Re: not sure. - December 7th 2009, 01:47 PM

Anyone that thinks your perfect is unreasonable. being perfect is impossible. Rain is right.

The past is the past, and there's nothing you can do to change it. This is one of those things you just have to leave behind you.

you should really just show him/family your post, just copy, paste, forward.

And you need to talk to your fiance about it. even if he doesn't want to.

I'm on MSN. all the time. no life.
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