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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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I-cant-see Offline
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Haunts my love life. - December 22nd 2009, 03:27 PM

This is hard to talk about but i need advice fast. My best friends boyfriend a few years back raped me. Its took me a long time to accept it was that - but it was. And its affecting my relationship, Im now in my first serious relationship and i broke down yesturday before sex with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend asked me if I was okay with him doing thing to me and I couldnt answer, nothing would come out of my mouth - because all i could think of was what had happened. The words from HIM ^^ were stuck in my head "What a waste of my time - i dont know why anyone would touch you, youre disgusting."

So when my boyfriend went to undress me i cried, started feeling faint and even had to go throw up in his bathroom. I feel so guilty for letting it ruin my love life. What do i do? I know my boyfriends loving enough to wait but i shouldnt make him =/
Help. Do you think I'll always be like this?
   
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Re: Haunts my love life. - December 22nd 2009, 05:30 PM

No no no. It is never wrong for someone to wait on the issue of sex. If a person has to wait, they have to. You have done nothing wrong. If he cannot wait, then let him be. But waiting is wise.

Now concerning the other matter, forget that guy. It is not easily done but forget him. Take your time and wait. Forget what he said, because he is not your boyfriend. Your boyfriend likes you, so he will appreciate you.
   
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Re: Haunts my love life. - December 22nd 2009, 08:03 PM

Hi there.

I'm so sorry for what you have had to come through. No one deserves to be hurt like that and I hope you know it was not your fault in any way. And hun, you are not disgusting. People who abuse and assault and take advantage of others will use whatever they need to gain power and he used words to help bring you down. He is the disgusting one though. He is the one to blame, the one who should feel guilty and ashamed for what he has done. Not you.

As for how you reacted, it's completely okay. Sometimes it's hard to have a sexual relationship after being assaulted like that. It takes time. Take things slow and talk with your boyfriend. If he really cares about you he would want to know what happened and how he can make things easier for you. For the time being though, it sounds like you might not be at a place where you are ready for sex yet. And that is perfectly okay hun. Everyone heals at their own pace and in their own way. Don't feel rushed and don't push yourself into things you're not ready for.

Have you ever thought about trying therapy? I know it can be a scary thought and it's really hard for a lot of people to do, but it can be so helpful. It really can take a huge weight of your shoulders just to be able to confide in someone and to have them help you work through what has happened.

I hope you are doing okay right now. Be good to yourself and feel free to PM me anytime.
<3 Emily


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but just being right where you are, who you are"

   
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Re: Haunts my love life. - December 22nd 2009, 09:56 PM

Hey,
You should never rush yourself into sex, especially after what happened to you. I can completely relate to this because I get pretty emotional it comes to getting intimate. You really need to take your time. The more you feel comfortable with someone the better. Your boyfriend is going to have to wait. You can't rush into these things. I know it's hard but maybe if you explain to him he's going to be much more understanding to your reaction and understand you need time and patience. If he doesn't understand he is not worth having.
I am really sorry about what happened to you, and I am always just a message away if you need to speak about things.
Love Paige xox
   
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Re: Haunts my love life. - December 25th 2009, 09:25 PM

You're all right, i know that you are - I just panic when it happens. And its not the whole sexual intercourse thing, Ive had sex since but now that it means something - Im too scared I'm not good enough. =/ I know my boyfriends loving enough to accept it and try to help me, I just hate the thought of making him do that.
   
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Re: Haunts my love life. - December 25th 2009, 11:57 PM

Quote:
I know my boyfriends loving enough to accept it and try to help me, I just hate the thought of making him do that.
Well don't! I'm sure he'd rather know what was wrong, rather than try to guess or think its something he's done wrong. Let him know and then he can help you.. if he was going through something bad you'd rather know even if it caused you some stress too right??
   
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Re: Haunts my love life. - December 26th 2009, 12:39 AM

If he loves you, he will understand, and want to be there for you. You are good enough, you are so good enough. Don't think that you are not, you have to believe in yourself.

What you went through doesn't make you disgusting, it makes the person who did it to you disgusting. It's alright, it's understandable, to panic, but you need to tell your boyfriend. Let him know that it's not him, and that your scared you won't be good enough. Talk to him, communication is the key to every relationship, and it helps him understand what's wrong.


She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

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Re: Haunts my love life. - December 27th 2009, 09:23 AM

Your boyfriend sounds like he understands enough not to let it affect him. What was said and done to you was something that I don't think I could ever handle. Your very strong. You need to take as long as you need and not worry about having sex. If you can, tel your boyfriend exactly how you feel about everything. Or tell him through a letter. Just don't feel obligated to have sex, to heal from something that devastating will take time.
   
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Re: Haunts my love life. - December 27th 2009, 10:27 AM

so sorry for what happend to you, never feel guilty about this,it isnt your fault at all. i think you just need to take time or maybe go to therapy and bring your bf along with you,i dont think youll be like this forever you just need time.
i hope the guy who did this to you fucking drops dead
   
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Re: Haunts my love life. - December 27th 2009, 10:29 AM

sorry double post

Last edited by sunken; December 27th 2009 at 10:30 AM. Reason: accidently posted twice
   
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