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Zum Zum Girl Offline
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Name: miss_anthropy10
Age: 27
Gender: Female

Posts: 52
Blog Entries: 3
Join Date: January 24th 2009

round and round they go... - January 4th 2010, 10:20 AM

I divulged what happened to me almost 4 years ago now to someone who became like a father figure to me, and from there it was like dominoes falling. We (together) told my counsellor, then I told my mom. Then school had me tell CPS, and then I got into therapy.

Still, four years later I feel as if it's all I deserve. I'm diagnosed with severe clinical depression and OCD, which does little to let me forget about what I went through. A lot of the time I still feel like it is my fault because even though I said i didn't want to, I never really said no. I mean, I know I remember the whole point in my head that night was "okay, what's it going to take to get him out of the room?"

To its a sick cycle spinning around in my head. I feel like I still live inside the grieving process because I go from guilty, to angry, to wanting to anything to go back and fix it, and around again. I've fully reached the point (and believed for almost a year now) that all I deserve is to be beaten on, abused, and pushed around. On a rare occasion I can get it turned around the right way in my head but that's a rare moment, as I said.

I'm not sure I'll ever believe it'll be different in my head...

And when I'm not sure how to try,
Who will take my hand?
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topov Offline
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Re: round and round they go... - January 4th 2010, 07:23 PM

Im nt sure if I can say anything to help you, but I want you to know, That in no way is any of that your fault, nor do you deserve to be beaten on ect.
Its a horrible situation to be in, but it is definatly not your fault.

If you want to chat PM me

Ticklish Tattoo!

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Through-Glass Offline
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Name: Jessi
Age: 27
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Location: Eastern Tennessee

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Join Date: January 7th 2009

Re: round and round they go... - January 4th 2010, 11:22 PM

Hey there,

What you went through was horrible, and I am so sorry to hear that you were forced to go through such trauma. However, it's great that you decided to tell someone and get the help that you need and deserve. I know it may seem difficult right now, but counseling can help so much in the long run. Just stick with it and keep fighting.

It's normal to have all sorts of feelings regarding this situation; anger, sadness, fear, guilt. However, it's important for you to realize that you need not feel guilty. This was not your fault, you did not deserve it. You did not want this to happen, it was abuse and your pain is valid. Knowing this may not stop the feelings of guilt, but it may make it easier for you to cope with such emotions.

Keep fighting and stay strong. You can get through this. If you'd ever like to talk about anything, feel free to contact me. Take care.

"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
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