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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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* souldoubt Offline
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I miss him so much. - April 26th 2010, 01:24 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

From the ages 12-18 I was consistently raped by a boy who was a few years older than me. I started dating him when I was 12. I was only interested in someone to hold my hand and keep me company, because I'd had a difficult life up until that point.. I told him the stories about my childhood and he honestly seemed to care.. so, I was more than happy when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I really liked him, even if he was a lot older than me.

After a few months my innocence bugged him I guess, he pestered me for se but I kept saying no. Eventually it got to the point where he told me he was fed up. We were walking through some woods when he dumped me, beat me up and raped me.

He never went away after that. He lived very close so had a lot of opportunities. He raped me about 4-5 times a week. One summer he kept me in his basement for a while, I had to call my parents and tell them I was staying with a friend.

Even though he was cruel to me... sometimes we had fun together. He took me out sometimes, he gave me flowers. Honestly, I would have happily got back with him.. but he said I deserved to be punished and kept raping me... in public places when it was dark, his house, my garden, anywhere he felt like.

Soon the inevitable happened and I fell pregnant with his baby. He was furious and told me to abort it, but I didn't want to. I didn't expect him to be a father to the child, I planned to move away to Scotland and stay with a friend, get a job and bring up the baby to have a happy, normal life. He was really angry, and one night he caught me coming back from the shops and he beat me up once again, harder than usual, which resulted in me losing the baby.

He was put into a mental institution around this time last year. I felt so sorry for him because I knew he'd hate it, I even visited him and he used to cry his eyes out, it'd break my heart. I don't know why.

He always insisted he was in love with me, that he'd marry me and be a good dad. But then he'd go back to being evil. I still have emails and texts from him which start off sweet but end up nasty eg: "I love you so much, we're going to have such a great life together... I hate your guts you deserve to die I'm going to punish you etc" :/

...All the terrible things he did... it never mattered to me. Because... the nice things he said and did.. they cancelled it all out. I was bullied at school and had a tough life at home.. no one had ever been so nice to me

He died a few months ago. He took his own life. I have no idea how to feel. I'm still numb. I feel completely to blame, if he hadn't met me maybe he wouldn't have gone so crazy, he could have had a normal life and still been alive. His whole life was set on hurting me, so if he hadn't met me....?

I really miss him. I have good friends now, I nice life, company... but I still miss him. Why? Why can't I accept what he did? I wish I could hate him. He killed my child, I feel disgusted in myself for not hating him for that. I was quite far gone as well, so the poor little thing probably felt every kick and punch. Why didn't I stand up for my child?

I keep pretending everythings okay and I'm fine but I feel so lost and hopeless deep down Why do I feel such stupid things

Last edited by Casey.; April 26th 2010 at 10:01 PM. Reason: Marking triggering, to be safe
   
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Re: I miss him so much. - April 26th 2010, 10:11 PM

Jo,

It is not your fault. For one, you did not mess this boy up. He was already like that before he met you, he just used you as a scape goat, as someone to hurt. If he hadn't had hurt you, he would have hurt someone else.

You loved him. And that's okay. But you have to accept that what he did was wrong. He raped you, abused you, and he could have killed you. What happened was not your fault. Sometimes when we love someone, or even when we think we love someone, we make excuses for what they do, we blame it on ourselves, or say that we deserved it, or that he really didn't mean it. But he did mean it. He was trying to hurt you, and he succeeded.

Have you ever told anyone about what he did to you? Talking to someone about it can be helpful. Working through what happened to you, and to your baby, can help you to heal and move forward. You will probably never forget what he did to you, but you can move on from it, you can go on living your life. It is not your fault he died, do not blame yourself for that.

If you need anything, feel free to pm me.


She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.


Smile through the tears.


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Re: I miss him so much. - April 29th 2010, 04:26 PM

Thank you.

Some of my close friends know about him, and they've always said it wasn't my fault. But I guess, in my head I thought that they HAD to say things like that because they were my friends. To hear a total stranger say it wasn't my fault and that I haven't done anything wrong... it's a great relief. Really, thanks.
   
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Re: I miss him so much. - April 30th 2010, 04:55 AM

I've found that friends rarely lie about things like that. It is never your fault when someone does something to you against your will, or when someone hurts themselves, even if they say it's because of you, it's still not your fault.


She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.


Smile through the tears.


PM me

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Re: I miss him so much. - April 30th 2010, 10:29 AM

Hiya Jo (:

My names Arwen, when i read your story it really made me feel for you. I am so terribly sorry that you have been put through so much pain in your life but i do know one thing. What happened to him was not your fault, not even in the slightest. It sounds like he had so many problems in his life but non of that can ever excuse what he put you through.
It is also natural to still feel grief and pain when someone like that dies, especially if he had been so nice one minute then horrific the next. It was the only act of kindness you had known and even though he caused you so much hurt it is normal to miss all the happy times you had together.
That would make you think you had done somthing wrong to make him act like that. Also being in an abusive relationship the abuser is very skilled at manipulating you to make you feel guilty so he gets off scot free.
I need you to try you hardest to believe that not your fault sweetheart, you have been through more pain than any human being has ever been through in their life time.

I do thing like Casey that you need to talk to someone about it if you can, you should have help to get through this and i think if you spoke to your doctor they could really help you.

You are so stong darling, i know you can get through this
If you ever need to talk im here (:
leave me a comment or pm me anytime

All my love
x x x


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Re: I miss him so much. - April 30th 2010, 11:15 AM

Jo,
You are not to blame for any of this, and I am so sorry this happened to you- no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship.
I think a lot of people who have been in some kind of abusive relationship for a long time feel compassion towards the person who hurt them, you are not alone in this. Lots of people feel the same as you.
I am so sorry for your loss, that must have been traumatic and I can't relate in any way to loosing a child so I don't understand how you must have felt.
After all that someone does to you, you can still feel love and care towards your abuser.
You have done so well to keep so strong, and I'm always here for you.
Love Paige
xox
   
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