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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Missing My Abuser - May 4th 2010, 10:29 AM

Eh, I'm assuming that the reason I'm having these thoughts and experiencing these feelings is a combination of the fact I can't get to sleep + I had an extremely rough Monday, involving lectures about my boyfriend and the fact our long-distance relationship is "stupid and ridiculous" despite the fact it's lasted a strong year.

That being said, I'm really missing an old friend of mine. I can't quite consider him an ex-boyfriend, but he certainly played the role of boyfriend many a time, and we had an off-and-on relationship that fit Katy Perry's "Hot N' Cold" all too perfectly. Though I'm sure he'd tell you otherwise, I feel as though he used me. Why? Simply because every time we were "together," things were extremely sexual and incredibly overwhelmed with lust, and it seemed that once he got me to send him fully nude photos (which he later deleted, and despite his treatment, I am fully aware that he would never share such photos) and then when he got me to masturbate on cam, our relationship would always come to an abrupt halt.

The thing is that he was genuinely respectful of me during those times. Though he could be very pushy, he added "if you feel comfortable, of course" after almost everything he pushed/tried pushing me into doing. Oftentimes, I felt overwhelmed with not only lust at the time, but with the idea that he'd leave me if I didn't follow through. No, I never truly, logically expected that from him, but it was still a concern of mine, and, at the time, I would have done anything to keep him and make him mine. Though I realise it was my fault, seeing as I am the one that consented to it, I still feel like he took advantage, as do others, and then I feel guilty for getting so angry about it all.

It doesn't help that he beat me up mentally and emotionally, attacking me unreasonably according to my friends, family and therapist, despite the fact he often made it my fault and manipulated me into believing it. But again, I was aware of his manipulation and never did anything to stop it. I loved him to pieces, I would have bloody died for him, and so it was my fault for staying so long in the relationship, if even it was a relationship built mostly on dependency and my insane love for him; you could say it almost bordered on obsession because I was intent on not fucking up and being abandoned by him. Ultimately, meeting my boyfriend and realising I was worth more than this guy ever treated me gave me the strength and courage I had to break free from the hold he had over me.

But I'm feeling upset about the situation. It's only been two weeks since I essentially told him to fuck off (a day later, I sent an apologetic e-mail, but still told him we could no longer be friends, blahblah, and that the e-mail was mostly for closure), and I haven't missed him a day since. My life has been unbelievably peaceful, and I've been appreciating it. I've finally been attracting people who actually care and though I somewhat miss the instability of my old relationships (I have a history of abusive relationships, and abuse in my family), simply because it's safe, I'm settling into stability and feeling comfortable and like I can be more open, set more boundaries, etc. without the fear of the other person leaving me. But tonight, it's different. Tonight, I miss this guy, who was my best friend for two and a half years, to the extent of feeling like I miss him more than anything in the world.

I guess he was incredibly important to me because he saved my life. He saved me from committing suicide almost a year ago, and since then, I've been compelled and motivated to get my life back on track. I've grown so much in the past year, that the progress my family and friends see I've made, and the progress I see I've made, only empowers me to continue getting better. Despite the fact I need to speak with my psychiatrist about a possible personality disorder, I feel like that is something I'll also be able to ultimately overcome, and my therapist is going to help me do so by engaging in DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) with me. I bought a couple workbooks that she recommended, and she's going to start giving me homework (weekly) from those. So I feel like I'm on the right track, but I'm still not understanding why I miss this old friend.

All of it was my fault. I chose to stay in the relationship, therefore, it's my fault. I played the role of the victim almost willingly. I opened my eyes and recognised his ill-treatment of me, yet I ignored it. I consented to the sexual things he asked me to do. Even when I was unwilling, I never spoke up. After being molested as a child, and raped at 16, I've had the mindset that people are going to take what they want, so you might as well give it to them before they do. This is also something I am working on changing, and my boyfriend has gone a long way in helping me overcome that demon. But I can still recognise when I'm responsible for something, and I like to be honest with myself and hold myself accountable, so I'm not going to play it off like he abused me, so it's all his fault. I'm sure it's partially, if not mostly, mine, especially since I engaged in it so often, and also became extremely aggressive and fierce with my words.

But I guess I'm wondering if it's normal to feel this way? It's been a month of being self-harm free, after having made it 130 days (discouraging), yet I'm struggling with the urges to cut or burn. I feel like I can resist those urges, despite the fact I'm wide awake at 03:30, even after dancing and jumping wildly around for a good forty-five minutes or so. But it's odd to me that I'm reverting back to the comfort of this old friend and to the comfort of self-harm. I can't wrap my mind around it, and I feel like I'm being abnormal and ridiculous about things.

Especially since I've met someone else who I've become extraordinarily attached to. I refer to him as my "gay best friend" even though he's not gay and joke about having a "gay crush" on him. Basically, what I mean by "gay crush" is that I neither want a relationship with him nor have romantic feelings for him. He's simply someone that can make me feel warm and purry inside, like I'm worth something and loved by someone other than my boyfriend; it's also been a couple years since I've platonically hung out with a guy, so that's been quite nice as well. And he lives a hell of a lot closer than this other guy, forty minutes away compared to thousands of miles away (did I mention my old best friend lived in a different country and that our relationship was all online? Yes, it's pathetic, but an important detail, or I feel it's important for some reason).

So I dunno. I don't get this whole issue right now, can't wrap my head around it, and I guess I don't even really know what I'm feeling or thinking. I can't make sense of it, and maybe this isn't even the right forum. Maybe it should go in Friends & Family or in Suicide & Depression, even if I'm not entirely depressed. I feel numb and blank, but like I'm feeling every emotion in the world on all levels and on every little fibre of the spectrum.

I think part of the reason I might miss this guy has to do with the fact he could get me to feel, and that he could get me to do the impossible - cry. I have a bloody temper and seem to alternate between loving and hating, being happy and furious, even though I have mood swings that can alternate within a matter of minutes, sometimes even seconds. But lately, I haven't been able to cry, even when I've been hurt. Even when my "gay best friend" made me extremely jealous, even when my dog of fourteen years (he was fifteen) was put down, I still haven't cried. I haven't cried since I left my best friend, all I've felt is anger, a deep and blood boiling anger that sets off at random times, which isn't fair to everyone else in my life.

So can anyone explain this phenomenon to me? What's wrong with me? If this is strange or completely natural? Gah, I guess I'm asking for insight in general, not really an answer to any specific question. Kudos if you read through this; it turned out longer (and by that, I mean significantly longer) than I ever intended it to be. I doubt it will even be read.
   
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Re: Missing My Abuser - May 4th 2010, 01:12 PM

It sounds like Stockholm Syndrome to me.
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Re: Missing My Abuser - May 4th 2010, 06:28 PM

Hurr. That sounds like it fits, but at the same time, I don't feel like it's that simple? Like, I'd love to blame it on a "syndrome" or a leftover result from the abuse, but the abuse I went through doesn't sound as extreme as the cases described on Wiki, and I still feel as though I'd be excusing myself. I might bring it up to my therapist, though, see what she has to say, even if Wiki does deem it uncommon.
   
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Re: Missing My Abuser - May 4th 2010, 10:39 PM

Stockholm Syndrome can cover a very wide range of things, and your situation seems to fit in the criteria. I heard the name on a documentary a couple months ago. What you are experiencing is a complex combination of conflicting emotions and feelings, and Stockholm Syndrome is just a name for it, for summarization purposes really. Just because the name exists doesn't make it more or less simple. Talking to your therapist is definitely a very good idea.
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Re: Missing My Abuser - May 4th 2010, 10:50 PM

Well I appreciate the help, and definitely that you read through this. I didn't think anyone would, or that they'd even understand it, so it's much appreciated.
   
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Re: Missing My Abuser - May 4th 2010, 11:29 PM

You're welcome, anytime. Feel free to PM me also if you want to talk.
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