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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
GhostOfYou Offline
Sorry I can't be perfect
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Name: Melissa
Age: 26
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Location: East Coast -- New England

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boyfriend.. help me - June 23rd 2010, 05:58 AM

I just can’t deal with this anymore.. I know I post long threads . I’m just really lost and looking for someone to listen/offer advice. I’ve been writing this thread over and over again and putting off posting it for months…

I know what everyone is going to tell me: that I’m stupid and I need to break up with him, this and that. But please hear me out, and be there for me..

I’ve been with this guy for a year and a half now. Don’t get me wrong. I love him to death and we’ve had so many good times, times when he is my best friend, times when we’re so happy for days, sometimes weeks on end together.

But this guy. I met him in December 08. In this short time, this kid has cheated on me more than once, lied to me THOUSANDS of times, hung out with tons of girls without me being there or without even telling me when we had agreements not to, controled my life in every way possible, hit me not just once but continuously for months, beat me, never paid back lones, pushed me into having sex time and time again, told me HORRIBLE things: like That I’m selfish, I only care about myself, I’m a C***, I have no soul and I’m going to hell, I’m a B***h, I’m a slut and drugged out whore and that my only true love is drugs, my house is a POS democrat white trash trailor, my family is white trash who wears rags, we look like inbreads, I’m pyscho…I could go on for days. Like, he’d say these things and then hours later, break down and cry and say he’s sorry.

We’ve broken up SO many times. Over him calling me names, cheating on me, hitting me, hitting his parents, telling me stories of his insane thoughts and plans of robbing banks, him swearing at me and threatening me and my family, calling my friends dirogatory name, all this shit… and every time we break up, it’s the same thing. I feel unsafe. He threatens my family, shows up at my house, damages my property, tells me I’m selfish and only care about myself for breaking up with him, and threatends to hurt/kill himself if I don’t get back with him. And every time I get back with him, it’s the same thing – using the break-up to make me feel guilty for weeks on end, eventually beats me when he’s mad about something going wrong in his life, and says I deserved it for breaking up with him and “breaking his heart”.

Like, something is WRONG with him. And when I tell him he needs help, he makes me life LIVING HELL --- telling all my friends how I’m insane because I’ve tried to kill myself, telling me I’m a pysco slut for cutting myself in the past, and all this shit. And when I ask him, hours into his insane tangent, “why are you doing this to me?” his answer is “It was your fault. You made me feel like shit, so I’m going to make you feel like shit.” Why Can’t he just talk about how I made him feel to begin with??
It seems every day his insanity gets worse. If I don’t loan him money, or buy him fast food, EVERY FUCKING DAY, then he says “FINE I’ll just starve.” And shit. And slams doors all day and puts his sun glasses on. Like a child. It’s rediculous.

He ALWAYS wants to have sex with me. It’s our biggest problem recently. He makes me feel like shit if I don’t give him head or let him sleep with me. Like, he has never forced it or raped me at all. But it’s the psychological abuse I can’t take. Like the “you don’t find me attractive” comments when we’re laying together. If I tell him I’m too tired, it turns into a huge “ you don’t love me” drama. I can’t take it! His hormones are out of control!! He wants to fuck EVERYTHING that moves! He throws friken chairs around the house, he smashes walls, he hurts his family and me. And his family is okay with this! And mine doesn’t know!

I just lay with him sometimes and remember all the good times, and it makes me so upset. Just looking into his eyes, I don’t feel love anymore. And I don’t feel hate. I feel scared. His breath on his neck when he tells me he loves me and hugs me doesn’t melt me. It makes me shiver. And when I try to talk to him about it, once again, it turns into a “this is your fault” episode, or a “get over it, that was a long time ago”. When I try to tell people around us, like his parents, mine, or our friends, Avo always has them convinced first that he’s the good guy and I’m exagerating to get attention. And if they start doubting him on that, he pulls up my sleeve (with my SH scares) and says “Look she’s crazy, don’t believe her.”
He says he’s trying to get help, and that I need to give him time, when how can I? Will I ever heal from this abuse? Should I? Will he change, or will it be this same old story of me giving him “another chance” until he finally kills me?

I’m scared with him. But I’m even more scared of life without him. I can’t even stomach the thought of having sex with him again – he hurts me, it’s not making love, it’s him getting off, and it always has been this way.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
TheLittleNinja Offline
I'm a secret ninja ;)
I've been here a while
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Name: Claiiiiiiiiire
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Re: boyfriend.. help me - June 23rd 2010, 02:20 PM

Hey There

Don't worry about it being a long thread, it's not as long as some I've read! And remember you are not in any way stupid!

I can't even being to comprehend how you feel right now, I can only offer you my best advice, and a strong hand of friendship if you need it.

Your boyfriend needs help. But more importantly - YOU need help.

No-one, should ever degrade you and make you feel like he is making you feel. A boyfriend doesn't beat or verbally abuse his girlfriend - and you have done nothing to deserve this. It is common that the abuser makes the victim feel like it's their own fault but it's NOT.

I think that you need to talk to your own family about this, you need as much support behind you as you can muster. You need to sit down and tell them everything - show them this post if you like. If you feel it's safe, then I would also talk to your boyfriends parents - but ONLY if you are not going to be harmed by doing so. You need to talk to the police about this. I know you say you love him - but if you love him then get of the relationship and get him help, don't make yourself suffer and become a martyr. However, you need to love yourself too remember.

My plan of attack - If I were you. Would be to talk to your family, gain their support. Tell them everything. Find yourself a safe place to live when you need to, that your boyfriend wont know exists - where he cant find you. You then need to talk to the police, they will set up help and support systems for you. They will also try and help your boyfriend too.

Simply posting this thread you are reaching out for help Melissa. We are all here to support you, but you need to make the first move of getting out of this relationship. No-one will judge you, no-one will love you any less for what has happened. Your an amazing person to have fought with so much over the years - love yourself for once, and look after yourself - do what's best for YOU. It's no longer a relationship when you are constantly scared, get yourself, get yourself some help and then try and rebuild your life with people who love and care for you.

My inbox is always open, and I'm here for you if you need me.
Claire xx

Ps. One final thought. You could also approach your local doctors and talk to them, it sounds like your boyfriend could be sectioned. But talking to the police would probably result in this action taking place too

I'm still alive.
Must have been a miracle
It's been one hell of a ride
Destination still unkown
It's a fact of life: If you make one wrong move with a gun to your head
You better walk the line or you'll be left for dead.

I'm a runaway train on a broken track
I'm the ticker on the bomb that you can't turn back
Thats right.
I got away with it all and I'm still alive.
Let the end of the world come tumbling down.
I'll be the last man standing on the ground
As long as hot blood runs through my veins
I'm still alive.

Last edited by TheLittleNinja; June 23rd 2010 at 02:22 PM. Reason: Ps.Note.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
DarkSeph Offline
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Re: boyfriend.. help me - June 23rd 2010, 06:15 PM

First of all , you really deserve one. You really are a strong person to have coped so well with this, and it was really brave of you to post here and talk about it. So be proud of that.

Claire is definitely right though. Right now you need to take care of yourself. You really need to break free from this entire situation. None of this is your fault whatsoever and you truly do deserve to be happy, I promise that.

The first step would be telling someone who can help. Such as your family and close friends. No one will judge or blame you for this, they're only going to help you. From there the police could be informed and you could be free from having to deal with this. I know you still might worry about him, but honestly it would be for the best. If he has some sort of personal issues or mental health problems, he will be given the help he needs too, which will benefit him a lot more than giving him time. But this can be sorted and you can find help for this, you deserve so much better.

I know he might say to give him time, or try to make you guilty for various, but honestly it's just manipulation tactics and you need to be strong and not let it affect you. People do not constantly verbally and physically abuse people they love, ever.

It might be really difficult but everyone on TH is here for you, and I definitely believe in you that you can get through this. Don't give up, stay strong and best of luck

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
BrokenHeart315 Offline
Not a n00b
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Re: boyfriend.. help me - July 2nd 2010, 02:24 AM

Hey sweetie.
Girl, you don't need to break up with him. You need to call the police on him.
They will get help for your boyfriend, and keep him away from you.
If you don't feel safe around him, there's something wrong.
That's honestly all I can say to this.
But don't feel bad about the long post, believe me, we all understand. And it's a big step trying to get out of it in the first place, so congratulations.
Feel free to talk to me anytime. But first, you need to contact the police.
Good luck. I'm praying for you.
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