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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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My friend's father is abusive, phsyically, mentally, and now sexually. What should I do??? - September 25th 2010, 06:33 AM

A solemn greeting to everybody on teenhelp. This is my first post, my sole reason for registering here, and the only thing I could think to do was post anonymously. Be prepared for a large post.

My best friend who is turning 17 soon has a big problem: her father.
First, lets start with some basic background information.
She is female, a junior in highschool. She has had lots of problems with friends betraying her trust in the past and somehow I landed in the position of being the only person in the world she actually trusts.
Her father is the primary bread winner of the family - he's in the construction industry and is unemployed for months at a time but still makes more than the mother, who has 3 children and an at-home day care center.

The father is pretty much the worst person in the world. He seems to live to make the family's life hell, constantly yelling and belittling my friend and her siblings. He beats his wife, he beats my friend, he's even hit the 2 year old right across the face.
He is extremely addicted to a number of substances. He gets high most every day many times a day, and many of his rages occur under the influence of a drug. His drunken stupors are even more violent.

My friend turned to cutting a long time ago. I've gotten her out of it for the most part, and she vents to me on a daily basis, but there are occasional relapses.
She has turned to the police for help a few times, they've come to the house, chalked the father up as a nice guy and left, not realizing that as they drive away, the innocent daughter is getting beaten.

Then came the sexual abuse.
First, it was feeling her chest over the shirt. then he moved onto feeling his own goddamn daughter's panties under her skirt. So she started wearing shorts with her skirts. didn't work. she stopped wearing skirts. didn't work.
For a while, no...for about 2 weeks, everything stopped; they pretended to be a big happy family. That was shattered as the father went back to drugs and abusive habits.
Tonight, I found out that it's progressed to the step I had hoped it wouldn't reach.
The bastard has fingered his own daughter. She's insistent that she'll be fine, that she won't cut, but obviously I am worried. I know it's not okay, I am not going to lie to myself and say it'll be fine. I'm worried about the long term effects, worried about how far he'll go, and disgusted by the fact any father would even do that to his daughter.

I am the only person who knows he's done any of this. I have every conversation logged in AIM history, but she has made it clear that she does not want anybody to know. She has not told her mother about the sexual abuse, she won't because she doesn't want to destroy what's left of her family - if the father goes away, her mother will hate her (she thinks) and the family will be unable to support itself financially.
She won't go to a school guidance councilor or whoever can help her there. Nor to DCF, nor the police.

Tonight she made me promise that I wouldn't tell anybody. That's a promise that if I have to, I will break because I just can't let this go on for any longer.v
I could easily print out every conversation I've had with her about her abusive father and send it to the police, but I don't know what to do right now, I don't know at all.

So please, does anybody have any advice?
   
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Re: My friend's father is abusive, phsyically, mentally, and now sexually. What should I do??? - September 25th 2010, 12:36 PM

It's sad that humans are capable of such montorsity, if you ask me. I truly am sorry for your friend to have such scum as a father. I hope I can help. So, I will attempt to.
I would reccomend you and your friend go to the police station and explain everything that you can. If she wants to withhold some information, let her. It's not a meeting with a psychologist. Just make sure she doesn't withhold too much. If your friend has physical marks or anything of the like to show as evidence, use them (only if they are in places she feels comfortable exposing). Now, if they dismiss you two and tell you that you're not informing them of the truth (hopefully this won't have to happen), you should consider taking their names, ranks and badge numbers and informing a higher authority in the police department to ensure that this problem is fixed. If the problem isn't resolved by doing that (which would be highly unlikely), consider legal action. But hopefully, and most likely, her plea will be heard. After this, make sure she stays the Hell away from him. Try and contact a social worker if the police don't as well. Also, try to convince her to see a mental health professional. She's been through things horrid and she needs help to ensure that they don't affect her mentally, or, if these effects are in full-swing, so she can get them resolved.
It seems like a lot to put her through, but do your hardest to convince her. She needs this, a lot.
My best wishes in helping her out. I hope you and your friend can resolve this very serious issue.


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Re: My friend's father is abusive, phsyically, mentally, and now sexually. What should I do??? - September 25th 2010, 01:12 PM

Thank you, fellow Slipknot fan.
I...I really want to do as you suggested but she has been very, very adamant that I tell nobody, especially not authorities in fear of ripping apart what's left of her family...
   
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Re: My friend's father is abusive, phsyically, mentally, and now sexually. What should I do??? - September 25th 2010, 04:03 PM

You need to go to the authorities for the sake of your friend, if she can't do it herself. Even if she made you promise, you can't just stand idly by when you know what's happening to your friend. She may feel resentful at first for you "breaking her trust" but there are some promises you have to break. For example, counselors are required by law to notify authorities if their patient is intending to hurt themselves or others. This is one of those cases. You need to be brave and do the right thing. If your school counselors or your parents are helpful, I would go to them first and explain the entire situation (what you've just told us).
   
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Re: My friend's father is abusive, phsyically, mentally, and now sexually. What should I do??? - September 25th 2010, 06:06 PM

Hm. Definitely not my family...and idk about councilors. Would it be advised to take the entire IM history pertaining to her father and take it to the police???
   
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Re: My friend's father is abusive, phsyically, mentally, and now sexually. What should I do??? - September 26th 2010, 02:41 AM

I think that would be a good idea taking the IM convo to the police bc thats proof
   
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Re: My friend's father is abusive, phsyically, mentally, and now sexually. What should I do??? - September 27th 2010, 12:17 AM

Yeah...but, what happens to the family? or if it's not concrete evidence? I don't want to make things worse..
   
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Re: My friend's father is abusive, phsyically, mentally, and now sexually. What should I do??? - September 27th 2010, 02:08 PM

Hey there, i think you're really being a great friend (: but you really have to understand that you have to tell someone... do you have a school counsellor? go to the counsellor, tell her what's been happening, and he/she should have a better idea of what to do than you.. it's unlikely that your friend will give in by herself to report her father, especially when she has all those concerns for her family which are really very real to her..
you can't let this go on, the continued abuse will really affect her much more than you know. do this for her...
maybe you can go find out what is available in your country in terms of financial aid for families which need it, and what are the counselling services available for the family... the entire family is at risk here, not just your friend...
this can be terribly stressful for you, and you might feel that things may get worse/ out of hand... but trust me, it's better for you to get help for your friend... and fast..



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the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
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Re: My friend's father is abusive, phsyically, mentally, and now sexually. What should I do??? - September 27th 2010, 11:44 PM

I think you should either give the convos to the police or look up abuse hotlines in your state/city. You are doing what is best for your friend, and even if she gets angry, you will be doing the right thing.


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Re: My friend's father is abusive, phsyically, mentally, and now sexually. What should I do??? - September 28th 2010, 12:23 AM

Alright, I'm going to try and find out tomorrow if we have a councilor..I know we have Guidance Councilors but that's for schedule changes...googling/searching for an abuse hotline is good too, actually.
Thanks guys, you're all sooo helpful, I'm just worried about destroying what's left of their family, emotionally and financially...
   
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Re: My friend's father is abusive, phsyically, mentally, and now sexually. What should I do??? - September 28th 2010, 12:27 AM

Truthfully, the family might "get destroyed" but how much worse can that be? In the long run, which is worse? Being abused, or not being a typical "normal" family? And, I'd also be a little concerned about that in-home daycare if the father is around those kids as well. I'd think with all those kids too they'd look into it a little further.



"We all have battle scars, Finn. Suck it up and build a brace for yours."
   
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