Triggering: I don't really know what happened.

[Just a nobody]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately... I'm just warning you it's graphic-ish. Sorry, it's long... Thank you to anybody who cares enough to read it in its entirety...

I technically was never "abused", but I've also been realizing as time progresses, I keep becoming more angrier by something that happened between two people and myself.

I actually got into an argument with a certain individual about whether or not sexually abuse is justifiable. The whole thing started because a girl in my math class was sexually abused by her step-father, and she said something about it and this boy said, "Well, what were you wearing?" or something very similar. Of course I sit between these two people, so eventually I asked him why he asked that. He said well sometimes if certain "circumstances" are in place, than you kind of are "asking for it". I dropped it and he kept kind of going on about it. I said it's not fair to say that for many reasons... ANYWAYS, so long story short, he pissed me off A LOT and I told him something I wish I shouldn't have. He then called me a whore because I "slept with my cousin" in front of the whole class. And then my teacher yells at me. She must have not heard what he said, so I told her that he's saying mean things about me. She said, "I don't care! Stop being so loud!"

Eheh. I guess I need to get this off my chest... My dad used to work in construction and such. He worked on a house for awhile and there was this kid that lived right down the road. I would ride my bike to his house and we would do fun stuff (I was like, eight or nine or so years old- I don't remember exactly, nor do I want to) almost everyday. One afternoon my dad bought us KFC for lunch (which he NEVER did/does) and let me go to his house like usual. He told me to be back in two hours. When we were at his house right outside the front door, he asked me something that really bothered me. He lives in a small house alongside a non-busy road in the woods (it's hard to explain).

Since we had two hours until I had to go back, he asked if I wanted to do whatever for an hour and then have sex for the rest. So, I was less than ten... I obviously didn't know. As much as I could have remembered, I wouldn't want to... But I do.
There was nobody home. Just me and him- or so I thought. And I agreed to it... I always gave myself excuses as to why I should convince myself it wasn't my fault. But it WAS my fault. It was just the way he was. He was my good friend and all of a sudden he completely changed sides. He took control of me, and if I didn't do what he wanted I probably would have gotten the shit beat out of me. What's even more pathetic? He was a year younger than me. Much stronger and bigger though. Or maybe I was just weak. Yes, that's probably it. And being the stupid fuck I am, I never stopped him. I told him I was afraid and he said "good". I told him I didn't want to do it... But I never really resisted. I know my thoughts were telling me to fight him but I didn't.

In the end... That kid, in my math class, was right in calling me a whore. And I'm completely hurt that I finally see that... But maybe I'm not, but it was all my doing. The cops got sort of involved and I told the police officer what kind of happened. I got pulled out of elementary school for the day to talk. In the end, he got in no trouble what-so-ever... I later found out that his grandpa was there the whole time. He knew. He knew what was going on but never intervened. Even so, what could he do? He was relieved his grandson didn't get in trouble. He just laughed at me.

The thing that would classify me as guilty in his words would be the thing with my cousin (the thing in the beginning of this thread with the kid in math). My cousin, not more than one year later, started sexually abusing me. Of course, at the time, my mother didn't really care much. I confided in her that he touched me inappropriately. Her response? She told him, with me in the room, that if he did anything like that again (yes, AGAIN), she might tell his dad. My dad, however, had a fit. He blew up and threatened him with jail and was going to call the cops, but my mom said "just wait until it happens again..." After that I didn't bother telling ANYBODY the worser things he did... That only continued a few more times. He also did things to his step-sister later on (which I didn't know about, obviously).

Freshmen year in high school, I told my school counselor all of this, who didn't believe a word I said. Maybe because I went in there also because a friend told her about me cutting myself and such. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I didn't cry. I didn't get upset (well, about the cutting, yes, but that's another story). I guess she assumed if I wasn't going to kill myself over it, it wasn't bad enough...

This whole thing is bothering me... So much. I don't know why. WHY now? Why not many years ago? I mean, yes, it did cross my mind every once and awhile but now it's ALL I think about. I feel like shit, honestly... I feel so guilty for what all happened and I feel so disgusting, I want to take a gun to my head for it... But I couldn't actually go through with it... I don't know what to feel... I'm not thinking straight...

[Nicole26]

Hey, I'm not gonna be much help prob it sounds tough what your going through and if talking more would help I'm here if u wanna talk. I got sexually abused three years ago and like you it's affecting me now more than it did at the time.

[xyzman]

u bolth have been thru so much im sry to heer that but thar r good people out thar that r willing to help and im sher u will find some one who loves u and will make u hapy that will ceep u safe and all i rilly wish i cud help more but im not exactly sher haw im sry but if u need to telk or eny thang feel free to pm me


and im not trying to be rude or eny thang im wj has wut hapind made u feel that u cant trust guys or efect haw u wud talk to me and agen im not trying to be rude and plees pm me some time

[Atychiphobia]

It was NOT your fault in anyway and your not a whore.
I'm not suprised thats boys attitude annoyed you, but unfortuently it seems to be the attitude were bringing boys up to have - if etc. is there/happening then it's 'OKAY' which obviously its not but thats society's ignorance and the fact it's still a pretty taboo subject - even in the 20th + centurys makes it's harder to re-teach people about these things. It was not your fault, truely. And you were young sweetpea, even when you know things don't feel/aren't right you aren't likely to do much about it.. Plus, he was someone you trusted. Age doesn't make a lot of difference, boys are generally bigger then girls for most of the time anyway, until puberty when it is more random. Please don't blame yourself, I think memory issues are quite common with trauma, I know I struggle to recall times and bits of memories even now. Alot of the time from myself and people I've spoken too it seems that a delay in the reactions of the brain in pretty normal. If it's something thats never been dealt with conciously and subconciously then it will stick in your mind because it's an issue. Talking about these memories and things should help stop it being such a mess and so overwhelming in your mind. PM me if you need to sweetpea

[x_sepi_x]

it was not your fault in no way at all hun, you've got to remember that. there's nothing at that age that we can do to encourage this kind of behaviour and sometimes we dnt know how to stop it. like you i was abused when i was younger and its only really started affecting me now after many years. sometimes we just have to get on with life and go through things that we dnt want to but we learn how to deal with them. i know at this moment in time yoyu feel really stuck coz you dnt know what to do but dnt worry. it'll get better in time. talking about it is one of the best things you can do. anything that you need to talk about let it out. teenhelp is always here

have you ever tried going for therapy? maybe counselling would help you sort things out in your mind..x

[Just a nobody]

Thank you for all your replies. I appreciate them, a lot.

I've never gone to a "therapist", but I've talked to a counselor twice I believe. I didn't help much, but I made an appointment for tomorrow to see my school counselor. I'm really scared, so we'll see how that goes because the last time I saw her... It wasn't a good experience.

And I keep telling myself it's probably not my fault. But it's just the more I think about it I end with with more ways why of it was. Maybe it's easier to explain that way? I don't know.

Thanks again for listening.