Triggering: More abuse memories surfaced

[cartoonmania]

Firstly, I want to thank everyone here who last year read my thread and left comments of support. I really appreciated it, and it really helped get it off my chest.

You might remember I said that when I was about 7, my brother sexual abused me on more than one occasion. Recently the nightmares of what happened came back, and one day whilst awake doing totally normal things, another forgotten memory of my abuse hit me in the eyes.

At first I recalled being on the floor, my brother sitting in a chair and making me give him a blowjob, but as the memory pieced back together, I remember a friend he had that lived on the opposite road that he hasn't seen or talked to in more than a decade now. This is, as far as I know, the only time that he allowed another person to use me.

I remember him trying to get me to suck whilst saying "Don't worry about what he's doing." as his friend was behind me preparing to penetrate me. All I know at the time was that I remembered enjoying it.

Then, recently when masturbating to help me clear tension, I had for some reason used this memory, but changed who was doing it to me. I mean, is that just the sickest of the sick? I actually used a moment of sexual abuse to get me off, but changing the faces of the people who were doing it. I feel so fucked up about it and I haven't masturbated since as it just felt so wrong.

I've been so tense and snappy recently with everyone, including my friends, and I just don't know if I can actually tell them about it. Even though there's a part of me wanting to so that they know I'm not just being bitchy. I'm scared of losing them or what they'll think of me. Not to mention how they'd react if they ever saw my brother again.

[Max_99]

Hi hon,

There are people meant to be in your life, and others who are not. I think you are beautiful and I am honored that you've shared your story with us here on Teenhelp! I think you should tell your friends if you want, and if you already do not, it might be helpful to talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist about it. Try doing some exercises when you have flashbacks. When I have my flashbacks, I tell myself what is going on around me, for example, I'm I'm remembering my boyfriend in bed with me, I might stop and say to myself "I am at school and I am sitting in a blue chair working on a math problem. The teacher is standing off to the left side of the room and D'sean is off to my right. I am doing addition problems, and 1+1=2." etc. It helps me get into reality.

Stay strong, you are beautiful and you will be okay! <3

Laci

[marleymarl]

Im really sorry you had to go through all of that. I think the best thing for you is to seek some professional advice if you havent? they will be really supportive and help you get through these memories. I understand its hard to open up to people about this but remember your not alone at all.
Picturing your sexual experiences isnt weird at all, its just because it has taken over a lot of your knowledge about sex. It isnt your fault at all and dont feel sick for thinking of things like that. I really thing if you talk to someone professional about it and have a few sessions with them they will help you so much!
Every day will feel like a battle but just keep fighting!!

[Sythan]

You'd be surprised how many people actually use their victimization as a catalycst for sexual arousal. There certainly isn't anything wrong with you, if you were turned on at the time, it's a normal bodily response to sexual stimulation.

What happened to you was terrible, but using that for further sexual satisfaction is not wrong nor sick.

[Anthony1323]

I'm gonna say this first, congratulations. It takes a lot of courage to post this. My idea is that you have some degree of sexual confusion because of what you're brother did and you shouldn't feel bad about it. The older you get, the more the confusion and tension fade. Just remember that it's completely normal for someone in your position.