Can't let myself feel emotions

[Ella.x]

I have borderline personality disorder and depression and I've become so scared of my emotions that I will do anything to avoid them. I'm currently working up to 60-70 hours a week just to avoid having time to feel anything. I dread having days off because it means having time to myself. At work I know what my role is and I knwo what is expected of me, but when I'm on my own, all I have is myself. I hate myself. I really, honestly do. I try to keep busy on my days off, seeing friends and family and doing housework and stuff, but it doesn't work. I just feel hollow and worthless and end up drinking just to avoid having to put up with myself. My therapist keeps telling me that unless I start allowing myself to experience my emotions, I'm not going to get better. The thing is, I'm so terrified that if I do that, things will spiral out of control and start affecting my work life. How do I let myself feel emotions? Is there any way that I can get rid of the fear? I'm really stuck here :/

[Whisperer]

Hey Ella,
I think you're therapist is right. You have to let yourself feel those emotions in order to start to feel better. Otherwise you'll be stuck in that numbness. It makes sense you are scared, emotions can be very powerful and dangerous at times. I think what you should do is set up a time with a friend to hang out, and just talk. Start slow, maybe only do this once a week or every other week. Try to talk about your feelings while someone is there. That way if things start to go out of control, you're not alone. You don't have to let down your guard all the time, just when you are around someone you can trust. Let them know what you're trying to do. They can help talk you through it. I know it can be scary but in order to get through those fears you have to face them head on. By being with others while you do this you know you're safe. What about a journal? Do you have one to write in? I find sometimes at the end of the day, when I've been walking around numb all day, I can start to recreate the day in my mind as I write and then the emotions hit me. When you're busy, you don't have time to think about it deeply. But I write at night before I fall asleep, when I can think and write it down. I am able to keep it to myself but yet I'm also letting it out. I know how hard this can be, hang in there because trust me, it will get better. I never used to believe that when people said that to me, but now I'm living proof. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I've been in your place. Feel free to PM me if you every need anything.
Hang in there,
Alessa

[Ella.x]

Hey, thanks for the reply. I don't really have any friends, but I'll definately give the journal idea a go and see if it helps.

[Whisperer]

Even just a family member or trusted adult. I hope it works for you, it does magic for me.