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Austin V Offline
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Exclamation cleanin' out my head is impossible - November 29th 2012, 10:44 PM

Have you ever been neglected, rejected, hated, or discriminated? I have, and it has helped with my mental state. I hear voices when it is quiet. My brain is like a t.v that never goes off. But, its always random things. I can't always control my emotions. I don't cry anymore... I laugh, scream, and shut down when things go bad. I've always been socially awkward, I watch 3rd grade videos on how to talk to kids. Its sad, but I try to incorporate things from the video to real life kids my age. (14) I have made other posts on how I feel, how depressed I am, how I cut myself, etc. So I won't go into detail. The gist of it is I have no friends, my brain tortures me, (mentally by never stopping. Its an overload) I have social issues, I have anger issues, I have emotion issues, and I overall just hate life. I have tried... God knows ive tried. The only reason I keep going is in hope that I find a girl who will love me for who I am. I have low self esteem. I tell my mom these things, and she says "you scare me" and walks away. She loves me, but she doesn't want to bother with the trouble. My head is always going, and going and going and fucking GOING! It never stops! God dammit! I'm sorry for the language... I do good about keeping everything concealed inside in public, and everywhere. But once in a while I snap and become a completely different person. I just want love, love, love, love, love, love! I will never have a best friend, or a wife! I know i know! I can't stop myself from telling me this. I haven't even told my therapist this. They would send my to a home. Which might be good, but I dont know. My mom can't handle anything I say. She threatens to send me away to a home, so I be quiet. She does love me, just in a weird mom & son way. I dont do drugs, so don't think that. I do have meds, but I can never remember what they do. Also when I read words they vibrate and give me a headache. I can never remember stuff im learning in school. I never have showed my true self... EVER. I have snapped a few times, and laughed, but never my true self. I try to act like regular people. I'm not smart, but when it comes to people I know them. I analyze them, their emotions, body language, the way they talk, everything. I understand people, but in a weird way, not in a social sense but a weird internal sense. Im told im a lot more mature than most 8th graders, which I believe, but thats not necessarily a good thing. It means I get along with adults, not 14 year olds. Which has been a benefit sometimes, but mostly an inconvenience. I like regular things too, like video games, the walking dead, and anime. I do have weird obsessions, like I always crave sex, I always need to look at something bright, and i need to have my music wherever I go. I obsess over wanting a woman to love me and kids. Its more of an obsessive dream. I dont even enjoy sleeping, I always have nightmares. All I want is someone to love me, that would make things so much easier. But in real life NO ONE will except me for who I am (what I wrote in this thread) I know no one will probably read this since its really ridiculously long. I know no one can help, but I needed to get this off my chest. I'm not violent, im very soft, so dont think im a harm to other people. Thank you for reading. Have a nice day.
   
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Re: cleanin' out my head is impossible - November 30th 2012, 06:34 AM

Hello, Austin! Welcome to TeenHelp. =)

I think a lot of people can relate to what you're sharing with us. Who doesn't want to love, and be loved in return? Who doesn't want to have friends? Who (among 14-year-old boys) DOESN'T want to have sex? Frankly, some of what you're feeling is completely normal, and nothing to be ashamed about. You want things that many people want, and your emotions are typical ones (especially at this stage in your development). I'm not trying to diminish the intensity of what you're feeling - I'm just trying to show you that you're not "crazy" for thinking and feeling this way.

Now, I couldn't help but notice that you're 14 and live in Iowa. Unless there's something you're not telling us, there is NO WAY your mom could "send you away" for the things you're describing. That would be abandonment. If you're actively suicidal, you could be hospitalized; however, your mom would not be able to abandon you for that. She would need to remain an active source of support throughout the entire process - after all, you ARE her child. I'm so sorry if you feel she hasn't "been there" for you. Is there someone else you can talk to? Since you seem to relate better to adults, why not talk to a teacher or school counselor?






   
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