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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Kathryn x
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Name: Kathryn Dow
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: Nottingham UK

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Join Date: April 19th 2012

Exclamation This is real now. - March 25th 2013, 08:51 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Uuuugh. I don't know where to start with this one.. So many things. God, ok... I'll just say it and then explain. My parents want me to be sectioned. I have another post before this that probably explain this more but in a nutshell, my mum and stepdad read a diary I keep. That's the VERY basic description of what happened but yeah. So they read it and I think Mum called my dad and basically read it to him. I know that my dad had a schizophrenic breakdown in his 20s and was hospitalised for a month, so he kind of knows what it's like to have a mental illness. And he thinks I have one. He says that often people with mental illnesses will deny their illness so that they don't get.. I dunno.. Caught? I can't think of a better word, sorry. But I was going to do this. As soon as they mentioned sectioning I thought "that's it I'm going to just do whatever it takes to make sure this does NOT happen." But now I haven't even got that. Because this is out of my control now, I can't hide what's inside, I can't fake this anymore, especially now that they know. So mum and dad are petrified that I may hurt myself or others. I don't believe that I'm a danger to others, only to myself. Well here's the main thing: I've wanted to die for a while now. Everyday it's just an angry swarm of bees around my head that I've grown used to. And if I ask myself if I would ever commit suicide, the answer to that is I don't know. That scares me. Because I don't know if my judgement would save me, I don't know if its there anymore. And that makes me think that maybe in the long run, sectioning would be necessary. But short term wise, my college life just cave in on itself, and I don't want this to get in the way of college. But has it already? I don't know. I had a blood test last Friday. The best case scenario would be that the blood test finds a chemical imbalance, I get assessed, they find depression, I get some pills and I will deal with the rest of it myself. That will be the end of it. I will eat whatever pills they give me and be back to the normal, good person I was. This'll probably not happen. Nothing ever does happen the way its meant to in life. All the houses razors and paracetamol are locked in a box now. Specifically to stop me from using them, because I have. I'm so scared. I feel like my head is going to explode. I want this to stop. I feel like I've just rambled on. Ugh, sorry. But erm, that's what's going on at the moment. I hate this.
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Re: This is real now. - March 26th 2013, 09:40 AM

I know how you feel. A similar situation happened to me right before my 16 bday. My parents found my journal and saw some marks on my body where I had hurt myself. Which by the way is the wooooorst pain ever. I thought I was going to a psych place I wanted to run away... I hit rock bottom and I didn't really know why. Believe me there is no direction to go but up. Don't not worry - life is to sweet to carry your sorrows around at such a young age. Surround yourself with things and people who will uplift you. No matter What the reason for your depression /condition never feel like you should not be here anymore. You were created with a vision in mind. Yes life is hard and things happen that we don't understand but it is the strength and stories people like me and you who make the greatest changes in the world. It may be hard to see right now but please trust in these words. You are loved.
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Re: This is real now. - March 26th 2013, 07:54 PM

Hey Kathryn, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much right now, and I know that no one wants to be sectioned. It is done, even by professionals, as an absolute last resort and even then you would only be in long enough to make sure you could stay safe. I can see both sides of this, I have a mental illness, so I know what you mean about not wanting to get "caught" and I think that is a good word for it, it's hard to explain why. I'm also going into the counseling profession so I understand how important it is to get the help you need. If you have mental illness(es) in your immediate family you are at an increased risk and the sooner you get help for your symptoms the easier your life will be. I know it might affect college in the short term, but there are such things as medical leave and accommodations for a reason, it's better in the long term if you get the help now. I obviously can't say what exactly that help entails, but you don't have to suffer and struggle like you are.

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