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Joedeadlyunna Offline
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Critical Moment in Life - April 25th 2014, 02:10 PM

As a 17 year old boy I'm absolutely plagued by troubles, its a longish story so hold on tight.

For the last few years I've been struggling with what I think may be depression and bipolar. I try to avoid self diagnosing, as I haven't been to a medical professional yet. Recently I thought it'd cleared itself up, but I was wrong. I'm going to try outline some things because I don't really know where to start.

I've always felt suicidal, I did try to take my own life with an overdose of a certain medication 2 years back, the guilt that riddled me was horrific, I did lie to the hospital psychologist and doctors, and told them that it was an accident trying to maximize the fat burning properties of the medication, so that I could leave and give my parents temporary relief. They still do not know that it was an attempt on my life.

Some days I feel great, on these days the thought of suicide does cross my mind, but I can brush it off and usually think "why would I even do that", this seems to be what is normal for most. Bad days, more often than not, have my emotions turning on me within, say, 30 minutes of feeling ok. In these phases I feel at a loss, I plan suicides, suicide notes, every bad thought floods my mind, and usually I bear through it, and wake up the next day feeling indifferent. A stint with existential nihilism (which I think a lot of teens encounter) was a major driving force behind this, and I still hold these beliefs dear, albeit not as dear as I once did.

Again, I don't want to self diagnose, but I suspect that I self medicate myself with drugs. Admittedly, I abuse everything I can get my hands on, which surprisingly is quite a lot, by 15 I had tried things from weed to cocaine, uppers, downers, psychedelics and in the past 2 years that list has extended. I had quite an addiction to codeine for a while, most days I would take a fair amount and just pass out on the floor watching TV. This happened for near on 3 months non stop. I have always smoked marijuana, I fear this may be a major part of the problem, but alas I cannot stop myself. I have lost many, many friends due to being high all the time and becoming someone that people just don't want to associate with, and I cannot blame them.

I did not complete year 12 in high school, dropping out to attend TAFE, where I failed both courses I tried. I have never held a job longer than 6 months, but mind you, the only jobs I have had were at McDonalds and a grocery store. I do work casually with my father. I absolutely detest driving, and as such am at least a year behind getting my license.

My real issue however, is that I have gotten myself into applying for the armed forces and my interview is in 3 weeks. There is a drug test, and by now, with the amount of marijuana I have smoked I'm sure to fail. I cannot bear the thought of facing my parents and friends (a miniscule amount) with this, the utter shame I will feel is gut wrenching. I do not know how to approach my parents about seeing a GP with these issues, because there will be only one course of action from that, and that will undoubtedly bar me from military acceptance. Even as I type this, the feeling that there really is no hope envelops me. Please, I need help, I need someone to tell me what to do, because my abhorrent lack of motivation to get anything done is killing me.
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Anastasiana Offline
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Re: Critical Moment in Life - April 26th 2014, 06:59 AM

Well, if you need someone to tell you what to do, the military will definitely do that. Do you know what branch you'd like to go into?(assuming you're in the usa).

From what it sounds like to me, I wouldn't go with Bi-polar because that usually include mania. Depression sounds likely. I used to heavily use marijuana and my depression was actually worse during my heavy use because I used it as an avoidance method.

Three weeks might be enough time for the MJ to leave your system. Drink lots of fluids, and start exercising daily. It's stored in your fat cells, so there's a chance it can happen. Doing your own research on the subject would be useful as well.

As for the depression and suicide. Well, that's always a tough thing to deal with. When you reach that point of hopelessness, there is only so much that can help you.

It may help for you to start a journal for during and after a depressive episode. It will help you to find triggers. And while you're doing that, also find other things besides drugs(or anything that keeps your mind from thinking clearly) that you find relaxing or calming. And when you think you might be triggered, use those things.
For me, it's music. I recently invested in a good pair of headphones that greatly improved my enjoyment of music so it's really become my way of escape. I set up different playlists that start out very emotional and slowly switches over to more happy music, and my mood follows it.

Hopefully you can find a similar method to help you. Best of luck, and feel free to share more if you need more advice.
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