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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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A Broken Person... - November 20th 2016, 11:59 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I feel completely lost and out of hope in my life. It seems as though I'm always causing problems when I don't want to, I'm constantly annoying other people, I'm disobedient, and more. I can't believe that it all had to come down to this at 14 years old... Possible Asperger's, and possible depression, poor attitude, it's all driving me to the verge of craziness.

I've always been lying recently, whether I want to avoid trouble, I don't want to talk to someone, or if I just feel too lazy or sarcastic to tell the truth. I also recite quotes from my favorite sources of media. The most recent being is me repeating something with the word 'n***a' while a Black teenager was around (I'm Caucasian), and a month later, on a day I said 'this work is like slave labor' (without thinking) and 'you're a gangster, man', he told, and I got off on the enamel on my teeth from being suspended from school since I was a bundle of tears. Then when I came home, I lied about it, and I told the truth two days later, only to be scolded and have my privileges (PC, 3DS, Nerf blasters, wallet) all taken away for a week. I developed horrible inner racism that I struggled with fighting. I cry thinking about it. It's mostly gone, but I don't want to be this way over one incident.

I've also been struggling with sexual deviancy since I was 13. It all started with me going to non-sexual roleplay chatrooms, and then I finally started feeling sexual (I'm not sure of my orientation, I think I'm pansexual with a lean towards feminine things) and joined some sexual roleplay chatrooms. I masturbated on a near daily basis, and now I'm signed up on F-List, which is a website I legally shouldn't be on for another 4 years. I'm here, fantasizing about fictional characters, anthromorphs, children even, I'm also becoming much less social, and I feel I've lost friends over my school behavior. I really need to stop my repeating of these things, my overall impulsiveness, and all. Feeling pretty similar to this Demoman (Team Fortress 2) quote, albeit with different problems :

Quote:
"...I got a manky eye... I'm a Black, Scottish, cyclops... *sniffle* They got more feckin' sea monsters in the giant Lochett Ness than they got the likes of me..."
Now, certain things (getting a 78 in math, scoring low on a test, a hurtful online comment, etc.) will trigger a bad reaction inside my mind. It triggers what I think is a sporadic depression, where I'll have feelings of worthlessness, temper tantrums, a delayed reaction time, an inability to focus and thoughts of self-harm and suicide. I've never attempted but I think I might soon if I don't get any help. That's all I'm here for. Not here for people to scold me, just here for help and reassurance that I can change... I simply want to rid myself of this spiraling inner monster that is slowly consuming me and my potential mark on this world. I don't know what I'm good at since I'm sure I'm mostly sedentary (on my computer/PS4/television) and I need all the help I can get.

#Bummed

EDIT: I've never told my parents about how I feel or my deviancy.

Last edited by Nessie2; November 21st 2016 at 12:00 AM. Reason: note
   
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Re: A Broken Person... - November 22nd 2016, 07:11 PM

Hey there,

I think that you should consider talking to your parents about what is going on and see if you can get in with a doctor to try and find coping skills for everything you are dealing with. I know getting in with a doctor might seem scaring but therapy can be a great way to deal with things like this.

If you need anything feel free to message me.


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Re: A Broken Person... - November 23rd 2016, 12:47 AM

I might try, but my biggest fear is being scolded for being bi/sexually deviant/wanting to kill myself or being dismissed with a 'stop dwelling on the past' or a 'you're just making it all up, stop sucking'.

Not to mention I also have very bad anger and stress control, especially when I see overwhelming work in class.
   
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Re: A Broken Person... - November 23rd 2016, 11:04 AM

It sounds like you have a lot of complicated things going on for you, and that it is affecting your life greatly. It's good that you have reached out to us though, as I know it can be daunting at times.

I do agree with the previous response though that it sounds like a good idea to talk to your parents about how you are feeling and what's going on for you.

It can seem daunting, and I understand that it's natural to worry about what can happen if you don't get a supportive reaction. Firstly, try not to worry about it. You shouldn't get scolded for who you are. Secondly, if that does unfortunately happen, don't lose hope. Talk to someone else that you can trust such as a teacher, school counsellor or doctor. Keep reaching out to others, so that you can get the help and support you need.

Even though you may have bad anger with overwhelming work in class, your teachers should be understanding that this is likely linked to your Aspergers. Are your teachers aware of your Aspergers and how it might be affecting you in school? They should have a plan in place for you so that they can try to meet your needs.


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Re: A Broken Person... - November 28th 2016, 01:15 AM

I must admit that I'm terrified of the idea of telling my parents about my issues, since both of us want me to forget about it and be racism-free. I'd also love to see their reaction to me coming out as bi (dad has joked about gays before, and I think he said he doesn't want the kids to be gay), telling them I'm sexually deviant and role play on F-list despite being underaged, etc.

I'm much more likely to seek help from school counsellors, and I really hope I can be referred to the hospital without my parents' knowledge or permission. But now, I need more answers from you guys. I feel you scraped over some of the key elements of my post and just focused on my depression/suicidal thoughts (though Celyn does mention my Asperger's)
   
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Re: A Broken Person... - November 28th 2016, 11:29 AM

If you don't feel that your parents are safe to talk to, then I think approaching your school counsellor would be a good alternative. You can always ask your school counsellor what their policies are regarding things like consent and confidentiality. In some cases, parents do not need to be informed that their child is seeking counselling, but other times, if you are at a serious risk of harming yourself or others, confidentiality will be broken. The sexually deviant thoughts that you have are just thoughts- you don't have to act on them, and so long as you don't act on them, then I do believe that with the right support and help, you will be able to change.


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Re: A Broken Person... - November 28th 2016, 11:53 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celyn View Post
The sexually deviant thoughts that you have are just thoughts- you don't have to act on them, and so long as you don't act on them, then I do believe that with the right support and help, you will be able to change.
I can't act on 99.9% of the thoughts, since they're tied to a website about roleplay.
   
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Re: A Broken Person... - November 29th 2016, 10:26 AM

There's nothing wrong with role play, so long as you realise it's not real. If you're concerned about the use of the role playing sites and your thoughts, it may be worthwhile looking into cutting down the amount of time you spend role playing. Either way, it sounds like it might help being able to talk to your school counsellor about this.


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