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tranquility Offline
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hopelessness - March 27th 2017, 10:27 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

my dissociative identity disorder has gotten so bad that i don't know what to do. i have one very strong identity that is literally sociopathic, and he is telling me to do very bad things. i know i desperately need help, but i can't get it. for one, my family can't afford it, and for two, i know that if i tell my family about this they will be devastated. i have always been the shining hope for my family. i am the youngest, i'm smart, i have a few talents, and i've always been expected to do great things. my disorders are so strong that that will probably never happen.

seeing as i am unable to get help, suicide is my only other option. i will not contribute to this earth. i don't want to live like this, but i don't have the means to make it better. even if i just sit in my room under my mother's care for eternity, i will probably go even more insane and kill people.

i am going crazy, and i need help. please.
   
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Re: hopelessness - March 28th 2017, 06:19 PM

Sorry to hear that your dissociative disorder has gotten bad. I don't know what that is like, but even if one identity is telling you to do bad things, you don't have to listen or act on what that identity is telling you.

Getting help is a good idea and I'm sorry to hear that your family can't afford it. I do still think it's worth telling your family about what you are experiencing though. They may be upset at what you are struggling with, but mostly because they care about you. You sound like a very talented and strong person and that's something your disorder can't ever take away from you. It is possible to live a life worth living with mental health issues and still succeed.

Suicide is not your only option. Maybe you would like to check out resources and hotlines for mental health here and here as well as resources and hotlines for depression and suicide also available here and here. You may also want to look around for organisations/charities in your area that can provide help with DID or free/low cost counselling, or counsellors that can offer the same for those that may not be able to afford the full price.

I'm sure you have a lot to offer and many things ranging from learning to working can be done at home, if that's how you feel. I'm not sure if it will help at all, but have you tried grounding exercises? Things like paying attention to your surroundings such as listing things that you can see, smell, tough, hear etc. and really focusing on those things. You can also ground yourself by wiggling your hands and feet, perhaps running cold water over your hands and paying attention to how you breath and the sensations of these feelings. Repeating the date, your name and where you are can also help. We also have a grounding kit article that you may want to check out. Grounding exercises aim to make you feel more present rather than dissociative, so you may want to try finding things that help you, rather than letting the dissociative identities take over.

Remember that there is always hope


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