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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
hestina22 Offline

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I don't know what to title this... - September 18th 2017, 09:11 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I feel so sad. I always feel bad but for the past few days I've felt much worse.
I have been crying myself to sleep and just crying. During this weekend I would just start crying and pretend to need the bathroom so I could cry.
I keep thinking about binging and hoping that that could make me feel better, but I don't believe it will. I just want to escape all of these problems.

The highlight of my life is sleep. When I'm asleep I don't have to worry about anything and am okay. When I wake up in the morning, everything comes back to me and hits me, and I realise that I may never be happy and it makes me so sad.

I am also thinking about restricting. Idk...yesterday I watched Madison Beer's music video, and she is soo pretty wtf and it made me wonder "why aren't I like that? Why aren't I beautiful?" Which made me cry again. I actually am not fat...I am not boasting, just saying. So if I restrict I will get underweight quickly and I don't want that. I just want some part in my own life. Some control.

I know I should move on from it, but it still hurts when I think about the boy I like telling me to fuck off. I feel that he said it to me because he knows I am worthless and ugly, and so he knew he could. I am sure he wouldn't have said it to the other girls in my year, because they are beautiful and I am not. If one of the other girls in my year liked him he would probably be happy and treat them well, and his friends wouldn't make fun of them.

I can't stop thinking about things that have happened. My crush's friends have left the school now, so I don't have to worry about them anymore. The boy who used to call me ugly...doesn't anymore. I guess he knows I'm in the 6th form now so probably feel weird picking on an older girl. My mum isn't so mean anymore (although yesterday she did start shouting at me as soon as I woke up...for no reason and told me I look like a man...), so I guess I should be okay. My triggers aren't so much anymore, it's just my mum really.
But still I feel so so so ugly. I look in the mirror and begin to cry because I am just so yuck.

This one other time I was walking with my friend and she was wearing make up and stuff so looked pretty. Thing is she is just naturally pretty anyway.
Anyway, I remember we walked past my crush's friends and one of them said "you look peng." They did not laugh and say it sarcastically, they meant it because she did and is.
Whereas with me, they would say "she's so peng" and laugh like idiots and say "oh yeah she's in the top 2" and laugh again and when I think of that it crushes me. I am ugly and they were making fun of me because of it. Laughing at me. I think once I even saw my crush laughing with them.

I'm sorry this thread is so long, I just have a lot to say and no one to talk to. This is the only place I can come and release my feelings. (Thank you to everyone here who helps me and is so kind).

I don't know what I want here, just to let this all out.

"Every Experience Is A Gift from The Universe"


Last edited by hestina22; September 18th 2017 at 09:38 AM. Reason: So many spelling errors...oh dear
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del677 Offline
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Re: I don't know what to title this... - September 20th 2017, 09:41 AM

Thank you for writing. I really appreciate your story. I also relate to it.

It brought back memories of when I was the same way, when sleep was my only refuge.

The description certainly sounds like a classic case of clinical depression, which is a medical problem, caused by an imbalance of -- sorry my medical knowledge peters out about here, but it's definitely a medical hormones out of balance or something chemical out of balance in the body, which affects the mind, or the chemical imbalance is in the brain, I'm not sure, I just know from my personal experience that the symptoms are exactly what you describe.

And your 16, your at that age where this medical problem often start. And if parents and people you know aren't aware of this type of problem, they won't realize you need to see a doctor, because it's totally treatable.

It may be low thyroid, or something else. Doctors can check for a few things. If it's one of those things, they treat it. If not, then it's one of those things they don't have a lab test for yet, so they just start trying different medications that have been known to help other people in the past, and keep trying different medications until they find the one that works for you. Then it's like not having the flu anymore. It's still you, only you're not feeling so awful sick anymore, which is hard to describe if you've been this way for a long time, but it's pretty much you, only it no longer hurts to be alive, and everything is fine again.

(Well that's the best I can describe my experience. It's still me, I just don't cry all the time anymore, and it seems like the whole world has changed, except I'm pretty sure it didn't. I'm pretty sure the problem was not with the picture, the problem was with the camera. Fix me and the picture of the world looks a lot better.)

That feeling of being ugly, it'll just not be there anymore. (It's hard to explain it any better.)

It's not a rational, logical thought; it's a feeling. You said you weren't fat, (and even if you were, fat people are often super happy people, which really throws a monkey wrench in the idea that fat=unhappy. It's likely the other way around: unhappy=I think I'm fat. unhappy=I think I'm ugly. Well the brain is unhappy, so it's going to think hard to find a reason to explain why it's unhappy. It'll settle on anything remotely plausible, even if it's totally wrong. The idea unhappy=I need to go see a doctor isn't one that most people know, but that's the problem and the answer right there. It really has nothing to do with your weight or your looks, it has everything to do with chemical imbalance and hormones and stuff I don't know about.)

Certainly having those other things happen don't help. Sorry that one boy told you to f off. That wasn't very nice at all! Seriously, boys just adore women, any women who has a vagina, they just go gaga over them, and can't stop thinking about them, all of them, including you. Boys are secretly thinking about you in a very positive way right now, wishing, yearning, desiring, wanting desperately to get to know you. But they don't know how, so some pretend they don't want to (see the Aesop fable of the fox and the grapes. The fox can't reach the grapes, so the fox decides to say he didn't want the grapes.)

Depression makes one very vulnerable to any criticism, no matter how slight, seems like an avalanche. Well the brain is trying to come up with an explanation why it feels so bad, so it's amplify anything that will help makes sense of the senseless bad feeling.

It really is a senseless bad feeling for no reason whatsoever! It's just there! Because the body chemistry is out of whack. Brain's just not smart enough, or wired to comprehend that's the problem. So it looks elsewhere for a reason, and usually find something it can blame. And it seems so real! But it's not! And every time I only realize that when I'm feeling well in hindsight.

Bless you. I hope you can see a doctor and get better soon. 16 is a really hard age for this to happen. And it's actually very common. Just not very well known by non-doctors. (Psychiatrist doctors specialize in treating this. They don't talk much. If you want a talk-therapist see a psychologist. They can be helpful too. But you can't talk your way out of a medical problem. They might be able to offer some ideas on how to cope while the doctor works on getting you well.) Oh and there may be a support group nearby. Meeting other people who also have or have had similar problems can be very reassuring. They can help you through it because they've been there themselves. (Like me, which is why I come here to offer hope to others now that I've been through it myself.)

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
hestina22 Offline

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Re: I don't know what to title this... - September 20th 2017, 12:52 PM

thank you very much del677 for the useful advice. I will consider what you have said. Thank you.

"Every Experience Is A Gift from The Universe"

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