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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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i don't know what's bothering me - November 25th 2017, 09:02 AM

i've decided that i should start seeing a counselor again. there have been a couple months of just this pent up emotion and i don't know how else to manage it. i'm starting to feel like i didn't learn much in my rape counseling, which is terrible because my counselor was wonderful and she obviously helped me find some happiness for quite a long time.

but now i think it's different emotion that i'm dealing with. i feel like i'm really messed up in the head, maybe to the point where i perceive things differently. i think it's also affecting me because this is the first time in a long time where i haven't had one, specific, designated person who i go to tell everything to. my old best friend went to college super far away, she feels dead to me now. my online best friend is like a stranger now, and i can barely manage to get through a conversation with him anymore. and my two "closest" friends, who are a cringey couple, just criticize my struggles now in order to stroke their pathetic ego.

so i'm going to call my school's mental health services and make an appointment with one of their counselors soon. my biggest problem though is that i can't figure out what i'm supposed to tell the counselor. when i was working with my rape counselor, i had a good idea of how every session would go, what i was struggling with, and what i needed to talk about that day.
but now... what it honestly feels like is this:
before i saw my rape counselor, so much stuff had happened and added up to just become this huge mess. much like when i was younger and wouldn't brush my hair for days on end. it would get messier and messier until it was a huge, tangled mess and my mom had to cut it.
but my rape counselor sifted through all the problems that had added up, and in a sense she brushed the tangles out.
but now, it feels like when i promised my mom i would never let my hair get that tangled again, yet it still happened again. and all my problems have just piled up and i don't know where to start anymore.

i'm hoping that the counselor will just ask the right questions at first, and maybe i can even talk to him/her about how i don't know what's wrong... but i'm still just nervous. i think it's just because i feel awkward about not knowing why i'm even going there?
i know the things that have happened to me, and i know how much stress i've been under lately. but i feel like i'm terrible at expressing how i feel, and it's really hard for me to even read myself sometimes. so i don't know what i'm going to tell the counselor.
i don't just want to rattle off a bunch of tragedies about my life and hope he or she can fix them. i don't think those tragedies are the main problem. but if they're not the problem, then i don't know what is.

(i want to write down what i'm feeling, but the funny thing is that... when i'm feeling something bad, i'll try to identify it so that i can write about it. but when i finally sit down and try to write it out, i just lose it. like i can't put my finger on what exactly it is that i'm feeling. )


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you

Last edited by Jess~; November 25th 2017 at 07:40 PM.
   
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organizedchaos Offline
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Re: i don't know what's bothering me - November 25th 2017, 09:13 PM

Hey Jess!

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. I used to have the exact same problem, and it was a horrible and confusing time for me. It's such a weird and awkward feeling not be able to tell what is going on in your own head and life. For me it started when my life started spiraling out of control in middle school. Up until then the only problems I'd ever had was occasionally being sick, so I had no experience dealing with mental health. I just bottled it all up, and never knew where/who/how/what to talk about my feelings because I could never even tell what I was feeling let alone why. Finally one day I felt like I was going to explode and asked my Mom to see a counselor. It was thanks to that amazing woman I learned how to stop and really think about the emotions I was feeling and try to match them up to events that had happened recently in order to figure out what was bothering me. It took a few months, and even now a couple years later I still struggle every now and then with what I'm feeling, but life is hard so I doubt it's even possible to know what you're feeling all the time lol. I'm sure your counselor will be able to help you, but until then here's a little thing my counselor taught me that helps a lot.

So before you go to bed just lay on the floor of your room on your back (like you're going to make a snow angel), and just think about everything that happened that day (especially stressful events) and then let it go with a deep breath. It's like emotions training, and it forced me to really think about my problems and feelings instead of brushing them off because they were difficult to think about. That was probably my biggest problem, bottling everything up.

I hope this helps, and that your counselor will be able to help you even more! If you ever need to talk you can PM me!
   
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Re: i don't know what's bothering me - December 7th 2017, 08:43 AM

Hello Jess

Perhaps its a mix of a lot of emotions.. oftentimes when we're dealing with more than one thing at a time , we can't tell what we're dealing with because there's so much going on.. its enough to make a lot of people think that they are going crazy.. but the fact is that you are not crazy. Maybe you should try to deal with these thoughts one at a time : Maybe try to relax and lie down in bed , and then maybe perhaps try not to think of anything and just relax ... and then when something comes into your mind, deal with it and think about it logically. It's a mental exercise that might help ya to deal with your thoughts one at a time without making it too hard on you. Perhaps you are thinking about dealing with the skeletons in your closet.. but in this case, something tells me that its the mental pain and stress , or the shame associated with your past which makes it a brick wall that is hard to deal with.

It will also help to write down your thoughts and how frequently they occur in a diary : Like for example :

1. I'm thinking of twirling my hair (5 times )
2. He's so hot ( 1 time )
3. Let's not think about my past anymore ( 6 times )

Because the frequency of which you think of each particular issue or topic might very well determine what's affecting you the most.. Deal with what ails you most first and then deal with what comes after that one by one. We humans aren't equipped to deal with a hundred things at once , we're equipped to deal with one thing at a time.

So relax and make a mental note of what's going on. It'll be okay.. be sure to report to your counselor bout your thoughts so that you will get some pointers about how to deal with what's going on.

Just my two cents, hope it helped!

Much kindness and warmth,
Darren


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

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As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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