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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jude Offline
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Age: 25
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What Do I Do? - August 21st 2009, 04:13 AM

When I was young I was a very, very "special child"..
I was born almost 2 months premature (7 month pregnancy) and had a 4 day birthing process until I was cesareaned. I wouldn't make noises, and I would always stay in my crib by myself, or somewhere with the dog. (according to my mother). I rarely slept (maybe up to 6 hours each day) and would just lay in the crib the entire day, ignoring any contact with mum. After my parents tried teaching me to walk, or speak, I would just sit there. Eventually I learned to walk from my dog (I would grab onto his tail, he would walk away and I wouldn't let go; so I started walking behind him) without even ever crawling before. It wasn't until I got even somewhat active did I first start showing weird behaviour. I would apparently just cling to certain things for a long time, like I wouldn't leave a tissue or something. Whenever I could I would always build things (like stacking) and even if they'd fall down I would just be neutral. I wouldn't talk until I was 7, which is when I started talking fluent English (the language my father always spoke) and Russian and German (what my mother typically spoke) without even really being taught directly. Though I didn't talk before I was exceptionally good at grammar school maths and science, then when I was 7 my grades suddenly became C's then to F's. Now from what I remember I always had an issue paying attention, I'd just drift off in the morning of class and wake up minutes before the bell rang. Later in the year, my dog (who I grew strongly too, the one who taught me how to walk) died of age. While I still had another dog and a cat I stopped talking again for mostly the rest of the year as I still failed in classes. When I was 8 I went into puberty, and had my first panic attack and things went generally downhill. At 13 my father died on the 24th of December, which is when I denounced Christianity (seeing as that I failed numerous times in caring of other minor animals such as mice, I started believing that it was God to blame for cursing me or something). Soon after my other dog died, earlier before that one of my cats. From 6th and 7th grade is when the hell began for me. I found out I couldn't learn music notes, and couldn't play any instrument. I started writing backwards, misplacing words and sometimes even upside down without noticing, but only when I wrote on paper. I still spaced out and I started to go paranoid as kids got rough. I failed grades 4-7 by now, and about 6 relationships with girls. During the summer I started to loose interest in things in general, what I used to find fun was still interesting, but boring. In the 8th grade I was scared of everyone, I couldn't trust anyone, and still can't. I lost all the friends I once had, and now I can't even keep a conversation going with someone. In 6 days I'm going into High School, and I just know its going to be shit. I've already tried killing myself 5 times, and failed 5 times. I went to a therapist by order of the school and I couldn't tell him anything because I couldn't trust him, and I was too paranoid and depressed to say anything too. I feel like I've lost care in life, if I lose something important I just don't care any more. I still haven't even fully grasped that any of my pets or my father actually died, and at night I feel like I know that they're in the house. I walk around and I just know they're there, I don't see them or anything, but I hear them and know. I'm constantly scared and worried about nothing and everything, while I don't even care about them at the same time. I stopped having panic attacks a while ago but now it just feels like I'm having a long continuous one each day. I'm not even sure why I'm saying this online, I mean I know I need help but I don't want help too, so maybe I'm just asking what can I do when I can't help myself?
   
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Mad Mel Offline
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Re: What Do I Do? - August 24th 2009, 07:20 AM

I'm so sorry about your father and your pets, Jude.

Is there any way you could talk to your mother about maybe transferring you to an online high school? They move at your own pace and everything's on the computer. That way if you found yourself losing attention you could take a ten minute break and come back to it. Also you wouldn't have to deal with writing letters backwards.

I think you should go back to your therapist. It's hard trusting them at first, I know. But they're sworn to secrecy and won't think any less of you. What you've talked about reminds me of some of the symptoms of Autism, but of course I am not qualified to make that judgement.
A therapist really could help you with your panic attacks, paranoia, and depression.

It's not your fault that your animals passed away either. Sadly that's just a part of life. But I'm sure that your animals were the happiest, loved, and well-taken care of animals around.

Again, all I can really suggest is talking to your mother or a therapist. It's scary giving someone trust, this I know. But I also know that it can be worth it if you get some relief out of the deal. If you're feeling suicidal, please call a hotline or talk to one of the admins on the site or your mother or teacher. PM me anytime to talk about anything, or just to rant.
Your life is too precious to be thrown away Jude.
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