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WanderingTomato Offline
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I am scared of myself. - November 20th 2009, 11:37 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't know what to do with myself.
Most of the time I am normal. Most of the time I have only teenage angst over college and relationships and crap.
Then I have these moods.
I go eighty miles an hour on back roads. I cut myself to watch the blood seep. I drink and drive myself around my development. It is all I can do to keep from going on the road. I need an adrenaline rush anyway possible. I lie to make people more false. I take seven or eight caffeine pills at a time so I break into a cold sweat and need to throw up.
I just jumped off my roof and was not harmed, much to my dismay. Soccer is my life and a broken leg would only make me miserable for months.
I have never felt guilt, but I think this is because I haven't done anything horrible. I want to test this theory on nights like these.
I am afraid that I will do something irreversible in one of these moods. I am afraid one day I will direct it on someone else.
...
I hate myself like this.
   
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Re: I am scared of myself. - November 21st 2009, 12:11 AM

Please say something. I think I'm dangerous, I think I'm a freak.
   
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Re: I am scared of myself. - November 21st 2009, 12:41 AM

Hey, don't hurt yourself. You don't want to, so don't. Focus on the good things and don't focus on hurting yourself anymore. Focus on soccer since you like it so much. I love soccer too. And i dearly do love it. It has given me strength at times i needed it much. Focus on good things.
   
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Re: I am scared of myself. - November 21st 2009, 01:05 AM

Hey there,
Sounds like you are going through some really tough times. Have you thought about talking to someone? I know it may sound a bit intimidating now but you can slowly work up to it. It is definately very helpful once you find the right person to talk to. Also, try and find other alternatives to do when you are feeling this way. There is a huge list of alternatives to self harm in this sticky and they may help you with other things you turn to in your life. They are not just for self harm. Hang in there. Please also check out these other stickies which can help you out when you may be feeling upset:
First Aid Information
Self Harm Resources
If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to let me know.
Take care,
Alessa


Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
   
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Re: I am scared of myself. - November 21st 2009, 03:17 AM

I do talk to a counselor, but it is about a depression that I have basically beaten and the SH I used to cope. I don't use SH to cope anymore, I like the blood. I don't understand, I am on top of the world 95% of the time. I am truly, genuinely happy which is a big thing for me. I am afraid to talk to my counselor about this, I don't want to tell her the places my mind has gone. I don't want my parents to know how screwed up I am. I feel so helpless after these periods. I can't stand feeling helpless. I want to cry about all the shit I did, but soon enough I am on top of the world again.
   
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Re: I am scared of myself. - November 21st 2009, 03:25 AM

Remember, it's ok to tell your counselor about these periods. He/She is there to help. You can let him/her know that you feel this way not very often but it ruins you for a while. I'm sure they would be willing to help you out in finding ways to cope. Your parents won't think you are screwed up. It's better to get help from others than suffer through this. It may be hard but it will definately help get rid of some of these times. Hang in there.


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Re: I am scared of myself. - November 24th 2009, 05:39 AM

I wish I could just believe you because I know that is what I should do.
Thanks for your support.
   
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Question Re: I am scared of myself. - November 24th 2009, 07:24 AM

Hi,

Um i wonder when this first started? Did something happen that made you harm yourself so much?
i think you should consider telling your counsellor about this, because as you said, it would be awful if you turned to someone else and did it, you could get yourself in trouble. It also would be awful if the end result wasnt just a broken leg or a bit of blood...anything could happen to you

plz get some sort of help...

Last edited by emma01; November 24th 2009 at 07:25 AM. Reason: didnt see the above post which answered my own question...oops!
   
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