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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
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Name: Lea
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what the hell can i do? - June 1st 2010, 04:19 PM

Why do these health proffesionals not listen?
I told then i cut and they dont care...
Honestly i feel like im going mad. and if i just feel mad, but not actually insane, then well. im still not 'right' am i?
I stare at things alot, my eyes glaze over, and i day dream. about hanging myself, or slitting my wrists, or Oding.
I do this alot, when im asleep aswell.
I have rage that just bursts out of me from nowehere, other times, i feel so mellow and laid back, and uncaring about things around me that i feel like i coulld easliy never move again.
then all of a sudden im moving, twitchy, and it noticaable.
It take me ages to sleep, and then it takes me hours to wake up.
i hate who i am, i hate people around me.
i gret anxious about people being near me, and what they could potentionally do.
yes iv had threapy before i know i have major trust issues, and problems with change
im scared of gettin better, but at the same time i feel so much worse
like something else is taking over the depression...
i feel i should b locked up. but i want to die
but what if i just explode and i take someone down with me?
i dont feel normal, i feel totally helpless about this situation, but there is no-one else to help me either

'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy

This depression is a killer...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
JackOffJill Offline
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Re: what the hell can i do? - June 1st 2010, 09:02 PM

Im really sorry that talking to a professional isnt really helping you out much. I can relate to that. I have had some horrible therapists in the past- I had one woman tell me that I was too far gone for her to help me. And that was an intensive outpatient therapy group, so needless to say I felt like crap because the next step up from that is inpatient therapy and being hospitalized.
I can relate to a LOT of what you are saying about how you are feeling- like the trouble sleeping, the twitching, the rage outbursts, the anxiety around people, feeling like you should be locked up. Even though I have come a long ways from where I was 4 years ago, I still feel like I dont belong in the real world- I feel like I should be locked up because Im not safe to be allowed in this world. I feel like Im too crazy and messed up and that locking me away is the only solution. Is that how you feel?

I also completely understand your fear of getting better. Thats where I am right now. Like I have gotten to a point where I feel like this is how I am going to be for the rest of my life even though I hate it. I feel like there is nothing better for me out there. And Im afraid to get better because if I do, then who will I be? Ive been like this for too many years. Is that part of your fear- not knowing who you will be, how you will act, who will stick by you when you change? I found a quote that I feel explains the fear of getting better. "People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar" -Thich Nhat Hanh. Is that how you feel?
I wish that there is something that I could say that could help you. But besides telling you that you are not alone, Im not sure what I can say because of the fact that I am in the same boat. I want to believe that there is a certain point that we will both reach that will allow us to push beyond the fear to be able to change. Im sorry that Im not much help....but if you ever want to talk- please feel free to PM me anytime.

"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person." -Gerard Way
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