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Delusional? - November 14th 2010, 12:54 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So... I feel like there's something living in my head. The thing is, I can't tell if it's real or not. It taunts me and insults me constantly and tells me it doesn't matter if I believe in it or not; it's still in control. Sometimes I feel like it controls me and makes me do things I don't want to, like cutting. Others, it teases me by paralyzing me so that I can't move no matter how hard I try. If I try to get rid of it by getting help for my depression, it makes me hurt myself, or it makes me sick. It doesn't have a name, but it's definitely male. It does have an appearance. It looks like a china doll wearing one of those priest hats that the pope wears, and it has no body. I don't know if it's just my mind playing tricks on me, though. I mean, it could be my conscience, right? But at the same time, I can't dismiss the possibility of its existence. I'm not really sure what to think about it. I know you aren't doctors and can't diagnose me, but does this sound like schizophrenia or something similar?
   
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Re: Delusional? - November 14th 2010, 03:56 AM

Hey Se-se,

I don't know much about schitzophrenia, but I think you really should seek the help of a professional for this. It sounds like it could be schitzophrenia, but I'm not fully sure because I don't know all the symptoms of it and I myself have never experienced this. I can imagine it's really hard to fight off what's telling you to hurt yourself and that it's in control, but it's not in control, you have to try your best to go against it, keep telling yourself that it's not true, what it's saying isn't true and gain control of it, take over yourself from it. I believe that is going to be an extremely hard thing to do and that without help and learning the right ways to cope with this and fight it, it could get worse for you if you keep thinking it's in control and it keeps telling you that it is in control and making you do the things you do to yourself.
I really hope I have helped, like I said, I don't know much about this sort of thing, so sorry if what I said wasn't helpful, just know that if you ever want to talk about anything, I'll be here if you need someone. Good luck with this.


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Re: Delusional? - November 14th 2010, 09:12 AM

From what you've said, it's sound like a delusion AND hallucination.
It does sound like a psychotic disorder, possibly schizophrenia but one thing that differentiates schizophrenia from other psychotic disorders, Cluster A (and some B) personality disorders are how long it has lasted and are there times when it is not present or is it always present in any situation for a very long time? It's not accurate to guess it's schizophrenia, rather schizophrenia-spectrum disorders or psychotic disorders covers most of the possibilities.

Ignoring the issue of time, it MAY be a psychotic disorder because it does fulfill the first (and most well-known) criteria. Another criteria is whether it impairs your functioning at school, work, other social interactions and if it's observable to others that your behaviour is different because of it. As always, it cannot be due to general medical conditions or any substance/medication. Are there any effects on your mood and emotional functioning?


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Re: Delusional? - November 14th 2010, 06:51 PM

I know it's going to be hard to fight back. I guess that's what I have to do, though, if I want to get rid of it. I'm seeing a counselor, and she's referred me to a psychiatrist who won't be available for another month at least.

Anyway, to answer some of the questions:

1. Though I haven't always heard the thing's voice, I've experienced a lot of other things that don't seem quite normal to me. I've always been paranoid about being controlled by a mental parasite. I used to think my school was run by mind-controlling aliens. I'm also very paranoid about being spied on, watched, and having my thoughts listened in on. I have random days where I'm afraid people are going to hurt me. I can't stand school assemblies because I'm afraid they're trying to round us up and kill us. I also have frequent nightmares involving authority figures, especially doctors, performing strange tests on me and injecting me with needles/darts. Don't know if that's relevant, though.

2. There are times when it's not present. Most of the time, I don't hear it because it blends so easily with my conscience. But then I think that these thoughts can't possibly be mine, and that's when the freaking out starts. Sometimes it seems to "go into hiding" for a few weeks, but I think that's its way of trying to catch me off-guard if I'm fighting back too much. Or it just likes to screw around with me and make me think I'm getting better.

3. I wouldn't know whether it's observable to others or if I show any signs of it. I'm assuming that I don't. I feel like it doesn't want people to know about it, so I have to act as normal as possible, and I'm not supposed to tell people about it. I have a feeling I'm going to be punished for writing this.

I really hope it's not a psychotic disorder. It's so confusing; by acknowledging that it could be a disorder, I'm saying it's not real, but I feel like maybe that's just what it wants me to think. So I don't know, I'm really confused about this. It's not that I don't know what's real and what isn't real. I know that there's no such thing as mind-controlling parasites. But I still can't help but feel like that's its way of tricking me into thinking it isn't real, which shows that I actually DO think it's real. I don't know. I think I'm just rambling now. Sorry.

Last edited by LittleFish; November 14th 2010 at 07:07 PM.
   
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Re: Delusional? - November 14th 2010, 09:30 PM

I've looked at your profile, and maybe your mind has just become too carried away with your imagination?

Either way, only a professional will be able to tell you for sure.


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Re: Delusional? - November 14th 2010, 09:43 PM

I don't know. The thing on my profile is entirely metaphorical, just a way of saying that people who feel different and alone might not be so alone after all, even if they are a bit strange. Everyone feels like an alien from time to time. But I think there might be some truth to what you've said. I know that I have a vivid imagination. I also believe that all things are possible. It could be that my understanding of what's likely to be real versus what's actually real is a bit off. I'm not certain. Either way, the thing feels too real, and that's what bothers me. I feel like I should be able to dismiss the possibility entirely, but I can't shake the paranoia.
   
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Re: Delusional? - November 14th 2010, 09:48 PM

Well, whether this is caused by a mental illness, or an overactive imagination, a psychologist (or someone similar) would be able to help you.

No matter what happens to be at fault, you still need help, and hopefully you'll get it.


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Re: Delusional? - November 14th 2010, 09:51 PM

Okay. I know I need to get help. It's just very frustrating because I'm not certain that when the time comes I'll be able to talk about it. Can I tell a psychiatrist that, or write a note or something? I'm worried that I'm going to freeze up and not be able to move or speak.
   
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Re: Delusional? - November 15th 2010, 02:20 AM

Hey Se-Se,

I think you could do that, write them a note, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to do that. If you explain to them that you have trouble explaining in words how you feel and what's going on, then they should let you write out how you are feeling and if you freeze up and can't say anything, they should be able to help you with that.


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Re: Delusional? - November 15th 2010, 05:00 AM

You can probably write a note. When I saw a counselor at college, I kinda did hand motions showing I wanted paper, and faintly asked if I could write things down, he was fine with it. I wrote out my whole end of the conversation because I wasn't comfortable at all.

It's always worth a try.


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Re: Delusional? - November 29th 2010, 04:32 PM

Sounds like it could be Psychosis? Have you looked into that?


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