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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
yoloyoloyolo Offline
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I think I'm nuts... - November 28th 2010, 06:06 AM

This is gonna be a bit of a long thing, so... If you take the time to read it, thanks.

I have an addiction. And not to substances. I don't drink anymore than the average 19 year old. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't cut.

I lie. A lot. I've known this since Grade 10. I'm in second year university now. That's 4 years that I've been lying compulsively, and I can't help it. It's tearing me apart. Things will leave my mouth that I know aren't true. And I'll keep going. I'll build it up with more lies, making the stories grander, more impressive. Or sometimes, I'll just lie about unnecessary things.

Sometimes, I think about the world, and how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things, and it makes me sad. I'm a 19 year old boy who's going to live til he's, maybe, 90. Then I'm going to die, and it's all going to end. The earth has been around for billions of years, why do I matter? It depresses me, and I try to think of ways to make myself more impressive, like I matter more than the next person.

Why is this so important? Shouldn't I be happy with the person I am? I'm a talented drummer. I'm going to make something of myself as a musician (and as a teacher, as I'm in teacher's college right now). I get good grades, I work hard, and I run my own business. Shouldn't that be enough?

No, I have to build up those things. I've toured with the Foo Fighters. I quit a job so I could record with Esthero. Those are just some of the lies that I've told.

I lie about stupid things. I went to a party, got shit-faced, and threw a guy into a pool. Why would that matter to anyone?

The point is, I understand that the lying is unnecessary.

I've hit bottom. I can't count the number of people I can truly call friends on one hand. The number of people I've hurt with my lies... Well, let's just say that there aren't enough fingers between all my Facebook friends to count that number of people.

Why can't I stop? I've tried, so hard. Sometimes, I'll just go home and beat my head against the wall, hoping to kill whatever is making me do these things. Everyday, I start to hate myself more and more for what I do to people. And the people around me are starting to get fed up with it. I wish I could explain to them how badly I want to stop. I wish I could stop. I try to stop.

I think it's causing other problems. I have anger issues. I'll get so mad that I punch walls, rip doors off their hinges. I'll smash guitars, break drum heads, and snap drum sticks. I'm lucky that I haven't had the sh*t kicked out of me, or broken my knuckles hitting walls.

I'm desperate. I've hit rock bottom. There's no way I can possibly sink any lower. How can I stop?


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"Let us be loving, hopeful, and optimistic, and we will change the world." - Jack Layton
   
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Re: I think I'm nuts... - November 28th 2010, 03:31 PM

You should try to reach out to those who have been hurt by your lies. An apology could mean the world to them, and it will help in mending your own issues. Confessing a lie is so hard to do, but it will be rewarding in the long run. You will feel better about yourself.

Also, reach out for help! There's a chance you have an underlying mental condition, which would help to explain your behaviors. I have had my own issues with lying, and therapy and talking it out with others has helped me more than I could ever explain. When you feel yourself starting to lie or getting angry, take a step back. Take a breath. Is it really something that needs to be said at all? Is it going to hurt someone? That isn't something you will be great at your first try, or even your first 20 tries. Just keep working at it though, it's a wonderful strategy. Also, I like to focus my attention in positive ways, namely by volunteering. Helping others while also helping yourself, it is a wonderful thing. It will also be a truth you can tell people, and they're sure to admire you for it.

You are so far from insignificant. Things will get better!
Feel free to private message me anytime<3
   
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Re: I think I'm nuts... - November 29th 2010, 02:33 AM

The thing is, it's gotten to the point where I've apologized for the lies so many times, and then kept lying, that no believes that I'm trying anymore. Which hurts more than anything, because no one can see how hard I'm working at it.

Even worse, the fact that I'm a liar is spreading, and people won't even talk to me anymore because of it. The hole just keeps getting dug deeper and deeper.


Follow on Twitter @Thomas_TGT

TUMBLR: http://thomasdlesnick.tumblr.com
FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/thomas.lesnick

I play in a new band called "The Gentlemen Thieves"
www.thegentlementhieves.com

YouTube: http://youtube.com/user/drumminggod91

"Let us be loving, hopeful, and optimistic, and we will change the world." - Jack Layton
   
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