Making up memories? (abuse related)

[Le bonheur*]

Yeah, it sounds weird but I have a legitimate question..

I was looking through my journal from when I was 11 years old. I never once mentioned anything bad happening to me and that was around the time that I was raped/molested. I seemed like the happiest person alive.. Normal 11 year old.

However, I know for a fact that I was molested. I'm just not 100% sure about the rape/physical abuse from my mom's [ex]boyfriend. Is it possible that I just hid my feelings from myself, my journal? Is it possible that I felt too scared to write it.. or is it possible that as I grew up, I just made it up and believed it myself?

I feel like I'm being stupid or overdramatic.. I just need some answers...



To sum it up:

• Is it possible I made up traumatic events growing up without realizing it?
• Why did I seem so happy if something so traumatic happened?
• What do I do if I did make it up, unintentionally?

I feel really stupid and I feel like this makes absolutely no sense but I'd appreciate some support and/or some answers.

[Incompris]

It's not that unusual for children going through traumatic things to pretend like nothing is happening for multiple reasons. Maybe you were scared if you wrote down what was going on you'd get in trouble, or you'd get your abuser in trouble. Maybe you were trying to ignore what was going on, and your journal was your happy place and in your happy place bad things don't happen. Who knows.

You can make stuff up and over time start to believe it as a real memory, or have someone else tell you something that happened that never did happen but you will suddenly remember it as a real memory. It's called misinformation or suggested memories. However that usually is memories from before you were 3, which is why memories from before a person is three are not exactly trusted 100% in court. Since this happened when you were 11 they more than likely are not made up.

Don't feel stupid. It's confusing for anyone to try and figure out why they did what they did after-the-fact.

[Iris. ♥]

Honestly, I don't believe you "made up" the memories. You were so young at the time. It's natural that your brain would try to block out the memories, to protect itself. In that case, you wouldn't have written about it in your journal because your brain would have stopped those memories from coming forward.

If it turns out the memories aren't real, don't feel stupid. It's not your fault. It's like gossip. Weird analogy, right? Basically, the story gets bigger and bigger, and the details keep changing. I doubt that that's what happened, since you were 11 at the time. But, it is still possible.

[Akito]

As written, I don't think it's unusual for someone going through traumatic events to pretend as though nothing is happening. I also think it's possible you could have made up memories, but I don't think it's likely, considering that your young age at the time.

I don't think you should feel stupid, either. It's a natural, reasonable worry, not a result or consequence of stupidity (or stupidity itself). Nor do I think you should feel overdramatic. This is important to you, a real worry, and therefore important enough to discuss here.

As for why you should have seemed so happy if something traumatic happened, here's an example of the reverse. Shakespeare wrote many of his great, tragic plays (including Hamlet, King Lear, Othello, and Macbeth) during a period of his life in which one supposed he would have been extremely happy. A writer's writing does not always match up to the feelings or events that are present in the writer's life, nor does it have to match up for those feelings or events to be true.

I hope this helps. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you'd like to chat; I'm always up for it. : )