My health

[Gemma.]

I have been on anti depressants now for virtually a year. I have had depression for 2 and half years for definite but i think i have actually had it for 6 and half years now. I cant actually remember ever being happy or knowing what its like to have people who support you.
I have been bullied for almost 14 years. At the moment i wouldnt class it as bullying compared to what i am used to though. I can remember having a knife (plastic) held up against my throat when i was 5 at school, and i can still see this as a picture in mind. I think about all the people who have bullied me most nights and end up crying myself to sleep. At any one time i could have 30 or so people bullying me, it would be mental emotion, verbal and physical bullying with people plotting to kill me because they thought it was funny.
The best i could ever understand about why this has happened is because i am too quiet. But in reality im not that quiet and i dont believe this is a suitable answer anyhow to why people have bullied me.
I have alot of issues at home too.
Basically i just want someone to look after me and genuinely like me. And to be accepted and respected and to find my place in the world more than anything. I have no idea why i am posting on here but im just wondering what sort of comments i may get.

[Choose]

Originally Posted by Gemma.

Basically i just want someone to look after me and genuinely like me. And to be accepted and respected and to find my place in the world more than anything. I have no idea why i am posting on here but im just wondering what sort of comments i may get.

I am not sure what kind of comments you want.

Something to be said is that you are not the only person here that is going through such thoughts. I personally find solace when I am not alone in how I think or feel, as it kind of eases the burden I am put under.

It's okay to feel depressed because of being bullied, family issues, whatever the case may be but the fact that you recognize it is just another step towards things getting better. Most people have difficulties being respected and finding their place in the world, but if you look forward to it in a positive light, you are more likely to succeed in my opinion.

Keep your chin up! If you need to talk about anything, feel free to let me know.

[Bridghid]

Depression is a very common illness. Besides the anti-depressants, have you tried anything else that helps? It's hard to be positive, but it can help. Your outlook on life can help you succeed through anything.

This site is amazing in that it enables people to talk with those who have had similar experiences and are here to listen. I'm here to listen if you need someone to talk to.

[Gemma.]

No, im not sure what sort of comments i wanted either. In some ways i like the idea of someone being able to tell me why all these things have happened to me and also tell me how to sort it so im better again. Thinking about this does make me feel better but i know im not going to find anyone to give me those answers :L
Other than anti-depressants i have tried; counselling (which has been happening now for around 2 and half years but with 5 different counsellors) i have tried self help books, websites, all sorts
Thanks for commenting even if you didnt know what to say

[Bridghid]

Keep trying and keep your chin up. It must be difficult to continue to see counsellors, and look through self help books and websites. Try and stay positive - I believe that an optimistic or positive outlook will help you, even if it's hard to do.

PM me if you would like to talk more!

[Gemma.]

Thanks alot

[minniemouseprincess]

For one thing, im sorry Gemma=( I know though that on here, there will always be supportive people. Its essential for us to help and offer advice to anyone who may ask for it. I'm always around if you need someone to talk to as well or if you'd just like a new friend=) I can somewhat relate to what you posted. I have had what I believe is a mild form of depression during my teen years and I def. have other friends who have depression. I have very interesting friends and have pretty much heard every story that could ever be told by now lol. You are def. not alone and should never feel alone. The bullying stories sound terrible=( Im sorry that that stuff happened to you=( Nbody should bully you for any reason. Being too quiet is not an excuse. I'm sure you are a very wonderful girl. You deserve better than those fools.

[Gemma.]

Thankyou for replying to this. I appreciate it very much

[Gemma.]

I have noticed that around a year and a half ago i found a lump and genuinely wanted it to be cancer so i could die from it. I was actually crying myself to sleep in the hope it would be cancer, and reading horoscopes and praying that god would let me have cancer...i dont even believe in god haha.
I told my friend this yesterday and she was like, thats so sad. It didnt seem like she understood but she said that she was glad i hadnt died. I dont know whether to believe this, it was also said by text. I almost want her to just come up and give me a hue hug, but i know she wont and i know i cant really say anything about it because it will make me look wierd. Last night i thought more about it and feel that sometimes i still think about cancer as a good thing :/

[Bridghid]

I am certainly glad you didn't die Gemma. I can understand the desire to have cancer though. It is more tangible than to have cancer, and be given the support of family and friends, than deal with emotions. Texting is a hard method of communication since it can be hard to understand what the other person means. I think your friend wants to help you, just doesn't know how. Asking for a hug isn't a bad idea, it wouldn't make you look weird at all. Stay strong, you can do anything!

Feel free to PM me if you would like.

[Gemma.]

I'm not sure how to let her know how to help me, if that makes sense haha any ideas?

[Bridghid]

It makes perfect sense. You can try calling her on the phone, or meeting for a cup of tea or coffee. Or if you don't feel comfortable starting that way, try sending a letter or email. If you feel more comfortable with a letter/email as it is easier to break the ice as it were, then just remember to explain clearly as she won't have body language or speech inflections to help her understand what you are trying to say.

However you choose to talk to her (or someone else if you would rather talk to someone else you trust), be open and honest. They may have a difficult time understanding at first and have questions. Talk about what you feel ready to talk about, and you may not get through it all at first.

Does that help?

[Gemma.]

It does in some ways. I find it hard with her, as she doesnt understand so much, but its really the only friend i have so i cant be too picky. I dont know how i feel or how best to help me, other than sitting with me 24/7 and just holding me all the time, but obviously thats not possible. I will definitely find it harder to speak to her, or anyone even, maybe those other ways may be better

[Bridghid]

Give it a try when you feel ready. I think that talking to someone and knowing that you aren't alone will help. Talking is a big step, and takes a lot of courage - which you have. If you want some help with what to talk about or write, or how to phrase something, please feel free to message me. I'm here to help.

[Burgundy4]

Dear Gemma,
I agree with all these posts- including Julia's. You will always get support on here. Sometimes telling people you KNOW personally about your feelings can be really daunting. You said that you were worried about seeming weird to your friend though and it seems as though maybe that's holding you back from asking for some help. I think perhaps pulling her to one side and asking if she has a minute might be a good idea. You could just tell her that you are feeling very low at the moment and you'd like to be able to talk it through with her. I'm sure your friend would appreciate how tough it was for you to say that to her. What do you think?

I'm very sorry to hear you're feeling unhappy. I can assure you that you are not weird for feeling any of these things. I don't know if you have heard before that bullies are actually terribly insecure people themselves and so try to offload this feeling onto others, which is just a horrible thing to do and I really hope you're not having too much of a tough time with them at the moment. I would be happy to hear more about your feelings either on here or on a private message.

[Gemma.]

I know bullies are supposed to be insecure, and ive tried for many years to sympathise and maybe use that to help understand why they bully me. But to be honest i can never work out why and i dont really care if they are insecure because of some of the things they have done. That sounds really bad but i cant help it.
I guess the biggest problem is knowing what to say. Wording it isnt so much the issue, just knowing it the first place :L

[Burgundy4]

Yup got it. Doesn't sound bad at all- nobody has the right to make anybody else feel the way that it sounds like they've made you feel. I mean that you should not feel any less of a person OR look to yourself as to why it is happening. It is they who are the problem and not you.
Ah, right. What did you think of the idea of an e-mail or text message that Bridghid suggested? That might be an easier way to approach the topic, because you can go straight into it and not have the stress of how to approach it. What do you think?

[Gemma.]

I sent a text to her saying; ' i know you wanna help me, but tbh i kave no idea how to help myself so you know :P' she replied with 'Haha okay its alright'
She said she doesnt mind helping, but that kinda says to me that she doesnt really want to that much and more that she is helping because she feels she has to? Am i being paranoid?

[Bridghid]

Honestly, I just think she doesn't know what to say or do to help you. Like I said earlier, text message is a hard method of communication to understand as the subtext we naturally read is not there. Could you give her some suggestions of how she could help you? Like give you a hug, text you for no reason to check up on you, etc? Maybe that will help to break the ice as it were.

[Gemma.]

Okay, how would i do that though? Like how would i word it? Thanks for replying so far

[Bridghid]

You can ask (if you see her during the day) for her to give you a hug randomly. Or to send you a text or call you once a day if she doesn't see you, just to see how you are doing. Those are just some ideas. If you know of other ways that she can support you, then talk to her about those as well. Work together as a team to figure out what works for both of you and go from there. Does that make sense?

[Gemma.]

That's so simple yet so difficult all at the same time. But i'll give it a go Thanks so much for your advice

[Bridghid]

It is tough, I won't fib about that. You can do it though. You can do anything you put your mind to. Good luck! Let me know if you need anything else.

[Gemma.]

I will, i appreciate this alot