Developing an ED

[Hyper]

Hey,

So... I took all this time and money and went to a program to treat my depression, anxiety and mood disorder and I cam out a lot better except - I think I walked away with an eating disorder.

I sought out treatment for mild eating dysfunction in the program I was in but since I've been out of it I've gone down the anorexic/bulimic route.

My parents don't know it but my fainting spell this past weekend was because I forced myself to vomit and lost control and fainted.

My dad is super worried about the little bits of food I've been eating and while he doesn't want me gaining weight he's been forcing me to drink one ensure a day since the fainting episode.

I hate doing it and it makes me feel like I don't want to eat anything else all day. Except I'll have a little bit of dinner - tonight so far I'm keeping dinner down because I don't want to go through the fainting thing again.

As it stands I'm a bit overweight although I've dropped a significant amount of weight in the past two months and will probably keep dropping weight like that if I keep going. So right now my ED isn't that noticeable but I'm afraid its gonna show up sooner or later and I'm not sure how I want to confront it or even if I need too.

Right now I'm comfortable perhaps a bit delusional with the auditory hallucinations and altered mind state but for the first time I feel oddly euphoric and relaxed. I also have a desire to sleep all day long but that's pretty much impossible with school and everything.

I don't know. I've dealt with mental illness since I was a child - how do I deal with THIS?

[escape♥]

Hey there. You need a hug.
Well to begin, an eating disorder is different from a mental illness. I mean it IS a mental illness in a way, but there's no medicine you can take to get rid of those horrid thoughts, or the burning desire to not be fat. I think you should see a therapist. I know you just spent alot of money on the program (Good job by the way, I'm proud you took initiaive )
But seeing a therapist would help you figure out if this really is an eating disorder or something else. I think you can get a "sliding bar" fee from some therapist, where they will lower their costs if you can't afford it, by the way. I went to see a therapist, and just having someone there i could talk to who would understand but wouldnt be emotionally attactched to you is like a god send. As for hiding it from your parents, they're going to find out at some point, and i think they would appreciate if you told them instead of them figuring it out on they're own.
Also, I don't think you can really "walk away with an eating disorder" it isn't something you can catch like a cold. It's more like a slow process of low self-esteem and body dysmorphia down the wrong path of life, but I pretty much get what your saying. I know it's hard now, but just remember that your beautiful inside and out. Life is too short to spend it slowly dying.
Please, stay strong. <3 PM me anytime if you need anything or just wanna talk.
Hugs
~paula

[Coexist.]

Hey Danielle,

First of all, I'm glad you're here admitting you have a problem. It can be a scary thing admitting your disordered tendencies but as your mental illnesses, you deserve help for your eating disorder.

Are you still seeing a therapist because of your mental illnesses? I think these habits are something you really need to bring up with them in order to be able to get help. Whether or not you are overweight or not does not change the fact that the habits you are engaging in are extremely unhealthy and can ultimately take your life.

As you have already experienced, eating disorders take an extreme toll on your body, your fainting being one of the mild symptoms, some of the others can include completely organ failure and rupturing your esophagus, so your father has the right to be worried. You also need to be more honest with your parents. They do care, whether or not you think so or not, and they want the best for you, so I might start by talking to them and then bring it up with your therapist for a more call-to-action.

Hope that helped a bit, keep us updated on your recovery, and never be afraid to reach out.